THERE ARE A MILLION STORIES IN THE NAKED CITY...CONTINUUM.

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

2010-06-07T05:40:00.003+01:00

I didn't expect to be posting here again but wanted all my blog pals who haven't caught up with me on Facebook to be able to share in some special news. Over 3 years ago I wrote this post: http://ruth-boofie.blogspot.com/2007/01/art-art-wherefore-art-thou-art.html. Yesterday thanks to an anonymous commenter I found this.............http://www.henryliamward.com/mediumscale.html ....you can also see another painting of my darling Mick if you click 'further works'.

Sometimes miracles do happen!

HERE ENDETH..................

2007-09-18T11:14:00.000+01:00

This will be my last tale of woe on this blog. I'm leaving it open ...it may be of some help or even a warning to the those who are going through a similar situation....but I'll make no further posts after this. Even this is a struggle to write as it serves as a reminder of the less positive part of my life but in fairness to all those dear friends who wonder how things are going on in what can only be called the more "private" part of my life...here goes.

I had a short meeting with the CAB today. In their words "The feedback from my creditors has not been favourable". This has surprised them as they have had so many clients in the past whose income has been far higher than mine and whose debts have been far worse and have been successfully resolved. I guess it's sign of the times. I had gone to the CAB for help before I had accumulated any arrears at all but now 5 months down the line the situation is getting worse and worse..extra charges, constant phone calls and now the threat of debt collectors knocking at my door. I have one more appointmentment with the CAB next Friday (unfortunately the only one I can get and will mean missing a day at college) when I shall discuss the subject of Bankruptcy; barring that the only suggestion they can make is to see if some other agency can help......I can't go back to the beginning again....I don't have the strength.

I've finally relented and am taking anti-depressants prescribed by Doctor. I'd resisted this as to my mind no tablet will fill the void in my heart, increase my income or decrease my outgoings; but I really want to be positive about the college course I'm on and if in some way they will help me to focus on my studies and for a short while pop into another brain compartment my worries...well I guess it's worth a try.

Mick and I made so many good friends through this blog...and I know most of you also read Me, My Life, My Garden.....I hope you'll continue to join me there. My posts there MAY become less frequent as MAY my blogvisiting but I know you'll all understand how important this course is to me and that studying MUST come before Blogging.

“Remember today, for it is the beginning of always.

Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold.

Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.”

A FEW QUESTIONS

2007-09-05T21:35:00.000+01:00

QUESTION ONE

How can a member of Mick's side of the family who all the time Mick was ill only came to see him once....and since his funeral has not phoned, written or in any way enquired after my welfare.... send me an email (still with no "how are things with you").....asking for a donation for the charity fun run they are doing?

QUESTION TWO

How do I get rid of this horrible feeling that I'm really mean as I'm not sending them anything?

QUESTION THREE

How can our local bus company suddenly decide to no longer sell return fare tickets...this means the cost of a journey to town and back rises from £1.30 to £2.00...an increase of almost 50%

QUESTION 4

Is it just a coincidence that our local shop has raised the price of milk from £1.19 to £1.38 (almost 20%) just when the bus price has risen.....knowing many people will not be able to afford to travel into town (where the prices are cheaper) anymore?

QUESTION 5

Why won't the Government deem Bereavement Allowance a "qualifiable" benefit?

.......remember how it didn't allow me to have free dental treatment or prescriptions despite my only receiving £58 per week.....well when I went to pay for the College Course it also didn't qualify me for the concessionary cost. (Luckily as I get reduced Council Tax Charges because of my low income I have been able to pay less for the course...still a week and a halfs income though!)

QUESTION 6

Why is it when we have the weight of the world on our SHOULDERS we like to get it off our CHESTS?

'How do you know so much about everything?' was asked of a very wise and intelligent man; and the answer was 'By never being afraid or ashamed to ask questions as to anything of which I was ignorant.'

~John Abbott~

TURNING MY BACK ON LADY LUCK

2007-08-31T11:14:00.000+01:00

I don't write here much about how I'm feeling it's just all too depressing and I do my best to switch off and think about something else when the "Blues" hit; as they invariably do. Today though I got extra upset...and why?...because I cancelled our Lottery Subscription. Yes I know it sounds silly and it had to be done..I really can't afford it anymore...but it was as though I was losing another memory and turning my back on a chance to live one of our dreams. The chances of winning the lottery are VERY remote but in the past, for a few moments each Wednesday and Saturday night Mick and I could dream...till the WRONG numbers came up that is! We never really expected to become fully fledged millionaires...we just wanted enough to buy a small cottage with plenty of land, start up a nursery and help the family. I still each week as the numbers are drawn hear Mick's voice in my head saying "I'm just a Jenner; but win me a tenner!" and remember well all our "fantasy" talks about what we'd do if we won. But as I say, it had to be done. I'm hoping to get a place on a Higher Education Teaching, Humanities and Social Sciences course...even with concessions for my low income I've got to pay out quite a wodge...and I've not yet had permission from my landlady to have a water meter installed so still forking out a sixth of my income on my water bill.

I have a meeting on Tuesday to find out what the course entails. I'm really nervous but have to do something to give me more options when I try to find a job. I'm hoping that it will also give me the chance to meet new people and learn to interact with the public again. I may even have a few conversations about things that DON'T upset me. At the moment most of my chats with the outside world are with the DHSS, doctors, CAB or debt collectors.........not particularly enjoyable. I just hope everyone's as friendly as they are in Blogworld.

Now I just need to FORGET our lottery numbers the way I forget where I've put my glasses!!!!!!!

“Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; This is good luck”
~Buddha~

BLOGGING FOR ROSE

2007-08-25T07:06:00.000+01:00

As many of you know I have in my own small way tried to raise money and awareness for the Clatterbridge Cancer Centre and endeavoured to help Talj and Andrew towards their goal of £5000. You may have taken part in my "100 comments" or the Easter Egg Hunt yourselves. For that I thank you. Thanks to friends and relatives a further amount was raised at Mick's funeral and I was fortunate enough to meet Talj and Andi themselves when Talj came to stay with me for a few days. Even the Grand National played it's party...what an exciting day that was!

Well the day of the Britball Run has finally dawned.....Talj has worked so hard in preparation for this and I wish both she and Andi well over the next three gruelling days. May they have sunshine and laughter and NOT GET LOST!!!!!

ROSE EMMA McGILL
26th January 1984 – 11th November 2006

Today Rose’s Father, Andrew, and his best friend, Natalya, are setting off on a 3 day, 1,000 mile fundraising event in memory of Rose.

Right from the start it has been their intention to use their fundraising activities as a way of sharing Rose and her beautiful smile with all who read about her.

Rose was an up and coming designer and was featured at the New Designers Exhibition in London in June 2006. Sadly, that same month the family was devastated when Rose was diagnosed with a Grade 4 malignant brain tumour. Following surgery to remove the tumour treatment was started straight away and on 26th October 2006 Rose graduated with honours from Liverpool Hope University. Just two weeks later Rose was admitted to hospital and sadly passed away on 11th November 2006.

As Andrew and Natalya navigate around the UK, bloggers across the world are coming together to help them share Rose’s story and her wonderful smile.

Please click on these words if you'd like to read more about the Britball Event

2007-08-10T18:29:00.000+01:00

After worrying all week about the appointment today it turned out to be nothing at all. All they wanted to know was whether I could drive a car and what my last job was so that it could be entered on the DHSS computer for future reference.. Even I got through those questions with no trouble and was out again within minutes.

I hear on the news that two more Suffolk based members of our military forces have been killed in the last few days (one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan). Once again my problems seem insignificant compared to grief of their families. At least Mick was safe and secure in my arms as he said farewell to this life.

On a brighter note; today was the wedding day of Mick's niece Sarah......may she and Ben have many long years of happiness ahead of them.

"Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal."

~Louis K. Anspacher~

MY NEW MANTRA

2007-08-09T06:41:00.000+01:00

One of my dearest friends Icarus is writing his Flames of Eden blog as an open but personal diary in which he is relating the events of his life that brought him to his present tenuous position. In his latest post he quoted from Tennyson's "Ulysses" and emailed me telling me to take special note of these words,

"Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'

We are not now that strength which, in old days,

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and NOT TO YIELD!".

A much longer mantra than "Força" but words that I must remember. I had to go to the doctors on Monday; it was a locum and so I had to try an explain my "problems" at the moment.....it was a difficult visit....having to speak to a stranger about how I'm feeling brought me to tears...however my "weakness" (for want of a better word) actually did me a favour as she signed me off from work for a further 4 months. Hopefully this will take the pressure off of me for an appointment I have tomorrow. I have been summoned by our local Job Centre to discuss arrangements for my finding a job......even though I'm signed off from work I still have to attend or they say they will cease my Bereavement Benefit......I know that whatever my resolve I'm going to end up in tears and am already feeling quite sick at the thought of sitting discussing my future with yet another stranger. It's ironic really; because I am signed off from work I should be able to receive Incapacity Benefit which would increase my current income of £58 ....however because I was caring for Mick the National Insurance contributions I was credited as a Carer were at the lower rate which means I don't qualify. I know I'm lucky to live in a country where ANY financial help is available but I'm saddened to think that Carer's are being penalised for CARING!

2007-08-04T07:44:00.000+01:00

I've not posted on this blog for quite a while; I wish I could say it's because I'm not ranting or crying. Sadly that's not the reason. Time isn't healing at the moment and I've had some really down days. Having a couple of days out this week has helped but last week was terrible and I think I almost hit rock bottom and cried continuously for 3 days.....at one stage I didn't think I was going to pull myself out of it, but I did, so must be grateful for that. At the moment I find it so much easier to hide behind the general life on my Garden Blog......I have to try and focus on as much of the positive side of my life even if it's just something as simple a new flower in bloom. I try not to think about Mick in relation to the last two years...that wasn't MY Mick.....I just long so much for things to be normal again....but I know they never will. Even just writing that last sentence I feel my emotions welling up inside....where once it helped to share the pain I don't think I can go that route anymore. I've thought about closing this blog completely but can't bring myself to do it. If nothing else it serves as a reminder to me of the "strength" I once had.................a part of me died when I lost Mick......I have to make that part live again.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death"

REFLECTION

2007-07-19T18:35:00.000+01:00

Three of my dearest blogpals Denise , Dot and Libby have given me this award. I'm putting it on this blog because this is the one on which I have shared so much of my precious time with Mick and in part I feel this award belongs to him as much as to me.

These are the stipulations for granting the award:
It is called The Blogger Reflection Award.
Why?

The reason for the title is because this award should make you reflect upon bloggers who have been an encouragement, a source of love, impacted you in some way, and have been a Godly example to you. Bloggers who when you reflect on them you get a sense of pride and joy... of knowing them and being blessed by them.This award is for the best-of-the-best so consider who you pick, carefully.This award should not be given to just anyone.

For two reasons I'm not tagging anyone to pass this award on to.

1. I have specifically stated that I'm not doing any tagging for a while; it would be wrong of me to tag on this one when I have turned down tagging to other Bloggers.

2. There is no way I could make a choice and decide who to give this award to. Each of my blogpals for so many different reasons fit the criteria above; each has played their own part in making an impact on my life.........some with their words of encouragement, some with their sharing of their own lives, some with their help and wisdom............some just by being there and listening.....................

If when you read this a name of one of your own blogpals sprang to your mind please feel free to pass the award to them.

“I love the man that can smile in trouble,

that can gather strength from distress,

and grow brave by reflection”
~Thomas Paine~

2007-07-17T21:13:00.000+01:00

Where did Ruth go? Do you remember her back pre 6th April; she was the one who took everything in her stride; always the strong one; never faltering or shedding a tear; she always managed to cope no matter how tough the situation; the one you could turn to solve a problem. Where did she go?

I hated going to the appointment today. I hated seeing in black and white the expenses outweigh the income. I hated being out of control. I hated the fact that I blubbed in front of a stranger. I hated having to accept defeat. I hated having no choice.

The CAB lady was brilliant. So kind and understanding but when push comes to shove even she can't work miracles. I've got to accept that there is no way I can pay some of my creditors off. The good news...I haven't got to tell them...the CAB will see to that. I won't go into the "this, that and the other"........but I was in there for two hours.

There's a few things I have to look into like changing Internet Providers and having a water meter installed; then it's a case of seeing what happens and trying to pull my life back together.

Força

GETTING THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE

2007-07-16T09:58:00.000+01:00

After my moans of last night and before my computer went into switch off mode I managed to vist a few blogs. One of them spoke about a friend who had lost their 18 year old daughter....certainly made me look at my problems in a different light!

Another was Shaz's .....and my tears soon changed to laughter as I watched the video on her latest post; sadly it's now been removed from YouTube so I'm fortunate to have had that moment of laughter.

I think Serendipity was trying to give me a wake up call........................

“If there are no miracles then we need to find another word for the existence of life – the existence of you and me – on earth. Call it a gift from spirit (God or god in whatever form works for you), serendipity, happenstance or plain good fortune. I invite you to look at your life as if it were a miracle. To treat your life in any other way seems to me to be a terrible waste of your unique presence on this planet.”

~Robert White~

JUST GETTING THINGS OUT OF MY SYSTEM

2007-07-15T20:44:00.000+01:00

I've my next appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau on Tuesday. Now that I know for sure what my income is I've got to take them my Expenditure Form.... I've hopefully decreased my gas and electricity costs as much as I can though it takes as much electricity to light a room for 1 person as it does for 2 and the winters will seem so much colder without someone to snuggle up to. My Orange mobile contract is finished next month so that will help but I'm really hoping they don't tell me I'll have to get rid of my landline as well. My blogging is my social life and all the time my PC keeps limping along I want to limp along too...LOL

I'm trying to not let it get me down though....I'm trying to think of it as a challenge and remembering *Mr Micawbers advice.................well at least some of the time I feel like that but I do have my moments...too many of them...but the "in between" times...when I switch off the "sad" side of my brain and manage not to THINK......those are the times I'm OK. Had a horrible moment in town last week when someone I knew in passing didn't know about Mick......then of course they wanted the details......I just couldn't talk about it, made my apologies and walked away. Had a good sob in the public loos; not the most pleasant of places....and just came home.

I don't think about the ill Mick; I just remember the good times; I guess in a way that makes it worse as the good times were just SO GOOD!

Each post I do on this blog I think will be the last......it's my rant, moan and cry blog now...and I keep thinking "Right that's the last post...no more feeling sorry for myself"...but deep down I know I'll keep coming back here for a while. I keep telling myself..."BUCK UP....there's MILLIONS of people in this world who have terrible lives; including some of my blog pals"............but sometimes my heart just won't listen!!!!.........and yes I do get those "Is it all worth it?" moments......but then I think about how angry Mick would be with me thinking like that. It's just so difficult at the moment as I never know from minute to minute which way my emotions are going to turn.

Well if you've got this far through my moaning..... thanks for listening.......I feel much better now

*Mr. Micawber (Charles Dickens' David Copperfield):
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.

THIRD TIME LUCKY

2007-07-09T21:03:00.000+01:00

Gledwood has kindly nominated this blog for another Thinking Blogger Award..that makes 3 here now so I'm really chuffed........thanks Gleds.

I'm having problems staying on line for too long so this and the tag on my Bee's Eye View blog will have to be my last tag/memes for a while. I'm having to limit my pc time to half hour stints or my PC switches itself off which is making it hard for me to visit you all AND write my posts as well.

Now I have to do some presenting.....hopefully I'll be able to get round to all your comment boxes and let you know you've been nominated before I'm offline again!!!!! I hope the following will accept the award and pass it on to 5 more blogs.

A GIFT FROM THE HEART

2007-07-08T19:58:00.000+01:00

The heart is the body's pump; some people have a lot of heart and thanks to someone in Blogland with an extra big heart I now have a pond pump up and running far sooner than I thought I'd be able to. You see I received a "begging letter"...... begging me to allow this person to make a gift of the pump in honour of Mick and his memory. As much as I want to manage for myself this was a gesture I felt it would be wrong to turn down; I could tell the joy the giver would receive by my acceptance. To that special person I give my thanks. Our garden; Mick's and my Paradise on Earth now SOUNDS right again.

Another special someone gave me a hand with the installation; Manda came and helped; the cable is tucked away safely out of sight behind here........

and here..........So click the off switch of the music in the sidebar; click and play the video below and listen ....................

Mick and Ruth's garden is singing again...................... and so is my heart.

LITTLE THINGS HURT A LOT

2007-07-05T19:48:00.000+01:00

So the pond pump's broken...................no big deal in the great scheme of things.................................there are catastrophic events happening all over the world.........................what does a silly little thing like a pond pump matter compared to all the sadness I've heard on the news!
So why have I spent over an hour bawling my eyes out?????????????
Because in the "old days"...we would have jumped in the car; up to the garden centre; bought a new one; spent half the day digging up the old cable and putting in the new one; ~~probably~~ definitely had a few Brandy and cokes while we did it; would have giggled and laughed like school kids even if we cocked something up....................and "Job Jobbed!"

now the thoughts are; how to get to the garden centre?; how to dig up the garden and lay a new cable on my own?; will the fish be OK until I can do it (it'll have to wait until next week)?......the water's like green pea soup...it's never been this bad before.....the fish are part of the Mick & Ruth Story......Mick dreamt we built a pond and the next day we did........so many evenings we spent watching the fish and putting the world to rights.............so many memories..................

now so many tears.............................

YOU WON'T SEE THIS OFTEN!

2007-07-03T15:23:00.000+01:00

As you probably know by now I HATE having my photo taken; it probably stems back to my childhood...when I asked my mum why wasn't I pretty she said "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear".....so what you are about to see is very rare! This photo was taken by one of the teacher's when I went on the school trip......when Manda saw it she asked the teacher to scan it and give her a copy....she made one for me too...so for one post only!!!!!

ONCE UPON A WEEKEND

2007-07-01T20:33:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time weekends were so much fun; really early mornings; tea in bed; a Telegraph crossword to do; sharing knowledge; Mick reading the clues; working out anagrams; such laughs; a hug and kiss (sometimes more!); showering together; projects to plan; the full English breakfast; compliments..best fried bread in town; a trip out; where shall we go; jump in the car; see where the road takes us; whatever we do, wherever we go will be fun; so much laughter; maybe stay in; gardening to do; a brandy and coke...just one or two; put the joint in the oven; a game of cards...loser washes up!; more fun; much music; much singing; always laughing; compliments...best roast potatoes in town; after dinner dozes; a cuppa; more laughter; evening sits in the garden; such a great day; perfect contentment; anything on tv?;hugs on the sofa; starting to yawn; time for bed; snuggles; more hugs and kisses; believing tomorrow will be such fun too.....................

those were the days.....................................

A POST ABOUT POST

2007-06-30T08:52:00.000+01:00

I received a letter from the Income Support Office; this is part of it;

as I've received two letters from them already stating when I claimed and have filled in a form stating why I am asking for it to be back dated.....isn't this a bit of a waste of time and money?

I also received a letter from the Tax Office...this wanted information as (quote)

"you are getting a pension, approaching state retirement age or a woman approaching 65"

eermmm...did I fall in a time warp???
I'm only 55!!!... a few years to go yet. Not that I'd mind retiring...would save me the inevitable job hunting I'll have to face at some point.

DAISY

2007-06-29T08:33:00.000+01:00

Today is a sad day for many Bloggers; some of them I know, others are strangers to me.....but today they will be united in grief as the funeral of DAISY takes place. Dear Denise will be reading the eulogy she has written. I didn't know Daisy personally but have felt the grief of so many of my blogpals to whom she was an inspiration and dear friend. It made me realise how important our blogfriendships are; the support I have received via my comment box since I first went online has been inmeasurable and has seen me through moments of deepest despair. Rather than leave a comment here you may like to visit Denise's blog and read her post or visit Our Thoughts For Daisy where so many moving tributes have been posted.

So at 10.20 (UK time) when Daisy's funeral begins I hope you'll all join me in a moment of quiet reflection; not only for Daisy, her family and friends....but also for all our own blogfriends, past, present and future and remember;

BLOGSTRANGERS ARE JUST BLOGRIENDS YOU HAVEN'T MET

PLUSES AND MINUSES

2007-06-27T09:11:00.000+01:00

Over the last couple of days a few positive things have happened....they may only be small things but every plus is a bonus at the moment.
My certificate for help with health costs has come through...far quicker than I expected. This means I can now make an appointment at the dentist and also my next prescription that is due for my blood pressure tablets will be free of charge.
I've had a letter from one of Mick's Credit Card companies closing his account.
My gas company ( who estimated my bill last quarter) have read my meter and have sent me a bill showing I'm in CREDIT!!! Ya...hoo!!!
My weekly Bereavement payment came into my bank OK....(I'd really been expecting it wouldn't)
I'm going to Leanne's for the day on Thursday...she needs more gardening help and some lessons on Blogger......looking forward to that.
Manda's school have asked if I'll help with another school trip next Monday...after needlessly dreading the last one...this time I'm looking forward to it.

A few minuses
The weather!!!

Still having these sudden bouts of tears. I got really upset the other day....Mick's side of the family did little to support us when Mick was ill and to be honest (except for Lynn of course) have done nothing since. There is one member who phones every few weeks but the predominant question seems to be "Have you got a job yet".....I guess because people turned away when Mick was ill they don't understand how hard the last few years were. My "job" (for want of a better word) then was 24/7, no days off, evenings out or holidays like they had...I NEED this break now.....plus it's not easy around here to find a job at the best of times. I guess they don't have the depth of relationship that Mick and I had ......we were like one person and my world has been torn apart by losing him...they don't seem to realise the grief I am going through. I can't just "dust myself off" and carry on as though nothing has happened.

I also had a bad moment last night.......Kirsty (grand daughter) and her friend were hit by a car. She seems to be OK, just shaken up; luckily the car wasn't going too fast. I don't know what the rights and wrongs of the situation were; it sounds as though Kirsty and R may not have been looking properly when they crossed the road and the car suddenly appeared.....it really upset me though thinking of the "might have beens". I was rather perturbed too that the driver just wound down his window and asked the girls if they were OK and then drove off.

So pluses and minuses...ups and downs......

“The world is but a perpetual see-saw.”
~Michel de Montaigne~

UPDATE

Writing this post has really helped and I've taken the bull by the horns and spoken to the family member concerned....(you'll never know how difficult that was....I'll easily speak up for someone else but not so good at speaking up for myself). They understand now how insensitive their questions were and so hopefully I won't be put in this situation again.

ROCKIN' ALL OVER BLOGWORLD

2007-06-24T07:43:00.000+01:00

Amazing Gracie on her Echoes Of Grace Blog has presented me with an award

Gracie and I have only recently started exchanging comments although we have often passed in other blogger's comment boxes. I think the thing that drew me to her blog was when I happened upon her profile in which she says......

Tap-dancing through life on two left feet without a compass; laughing, crying and holding hands with others who find themselves in the same place!

Now for the dilemma...I have to present this award to 5 other bloggers.....the dilemma being "ONLY 5".................Three of the one's I've chosen are "new to me" blogs that I've found recently....I'm taking a chance as they may not "do" this sort of thing but they are all blogs which have caught my eye over the last few weeks and I KNOW I'll be visiting again. The last two are "old friends".......(I can hear them both saying now...Hey Ruth, less of the OLD...lol)...the word "rock" can have many meanings but in their case they really are "*rocks" themselves.

*rocks....something or someone dependable and supportive, especially in times of trouble.

JMB......NOBODY IMPORTANT

MAGS......IT'S ABOUT TIME

SKEET......SKEET'S STUFF

AUDREY......FORCA

DENISE......MRS NESBITT'S PLACE

THE DRINKS ARE ON ME!

2007-06-22T13:44:00.000+01:00

Yippee!!!....I checked my bank account this morning and the Bereavement Allowance has gone in...after taking off the Carers Allowanace I received for 8 weeks the total amounted to £261.00. Admittedly there's not much of that left now after paying for that very expensive bottle of wine you're all drinking (LOL); doing some of this......

and paying the "must have" bills that had mounted up...water, electric, gas and phone. It was getting pretty touch and go whether or not I'd still be in blogland next week.....no phone = no internet!!! As I'll definitely be having no social life I really want to try and stay online so I'm classing the phone line as a necessity to keep me sane. I don't actually use the phone much for calls...the majority of actual calls have been to all the government agencies with all the hours of "hanging on". I also have a mobile phone; this was a necessity when Mick was alive but it's something that will have to go.....unfortunately I'm stuck in a contract until August but after that I'll go PAY AS YOU GO.

Now that I know exactly where I stand and know that (hopefully) the £58 will be coming in every week I can make an appointment at the C.A.B. and work out some sort of offer to make to the credit card companies. I think I need a crystal ball to see what will happen there.........

THEY ASKED THE RIGHT PERSON!

2007-06-21T18:03:00.000+01:00

I received a letter and leaflet through the mail last week from the Office for National Statistics. This is a government department responsible for collecting information on almost all aspects of life in the UK. You know the kind of thing....62% of the UK watch Big Brother or 90% of all households have pets. I often read these sorts of figures in the National Press and thought....I wonder where they get those figures from, no one's ever asked me! Well now I know and they have! I was a little worried at first....not being good with strangers but thought it a good exercise to help me with dealing with the problem. Well would you believe it...today the chap came...and what was the basis of the survey......

LOCAL PUBLIC TRANSPORT AND THE DISABLED!!!!!!!!.

They picked an expert out of the hat when they chose me! I have no complaints about the Interviewer, he was a really pleasant and VERY polite. In fact my only complaint is that there was no category worse than "VERY POOR" in answer to the questions!

Another bit of news...I've finally received a letter from the Bereavement Office confirming the amount I will receive. It will be £58.46 (except for the first 8 weeks when they reduce it because I received Carer's Allowance).......so at least I have it in writing now and Babergh District Council have immediately confirmed that I won't have to pay rent or council tax. Phew..............three cheers for B.D.C. for their quick and efficient response.

Only one problem ..........still no actual money from the Bereavement Benefits Office....but then it's ONLY been 11 WEEKS .......

SCHOOL'S OUT

2007-06-19T17:48:00.000+01:00

You were all correct with your comments to my last post. I had a lovely time. The children were great; really well behaved but not so good that they were boring...LOL Some of the children are classed as having "behavioural problems" but when I got home I had to ask Manda which ones they were as I couldn't spot any exceptional misbehaviour....I guess the day out of school suited these children. The members of staff were nice too so I honestly needn't have worried and would definitely do it again. We didn't mention to the children, for a while, my relationship to Manda and at one point Manda asked the children if they knew who I might be related to. They said "She looks a bit like you".....(sorry about that Manda!)......and when she said that I was her Mum they said I couldn't be because I looked to young!!! Bless them.....I could have forgiven them anything after that. I did feel sorry for them though...we were walking for almost 6 hours (save for a short lunch break) and as they all had to carry their own rucksacks,coats and lunch boxes plus clipboards and pencils they were all so tired by the end of the day.....I know I was. Because of the nature of political correctness and can dos and can't dos I can't actually print any photos of the children but here are a few photos of some of the things we saw today. I guess these should really be on my M.M.L.M.G. blog but I posted about the school trip on this blog so only right that I end it here.

15th century Salter's Hall...made of wattle and daub

The Mill Hotel....so named because it used to be a mill! The water wheel can still be seen turning, enclosed in glass, inside the hotels restaurant.
The mummified remains of a cat; originally buried alive to protect the mill from witches and warlocks. It was rediscovered in 1971 and bad luck follows if it is removed from the hotel. In 1999 it was removed and the road outside exploded, the manager's office flooded several times and the person who removed the cat met with an accident. All returned to normal when the cat was replaced.
The ramp that Nicole helped to make was put to good use by one of the pupils who has to use a wheelchair.

Gargoyle waterspout on St Gregory's Church. Simon Theobald a.k.a "Simon of Sudbury" (Archbishop of Canterbury 1375 - 1381)was born at Sudbury. He was beheaded during The Peasants Revolt. His body was afterwards buried in Canterbury Cathedral, though his head (after being taken down from London Bridge where it was piked) is still kept in St Gregory's Church.
The Leper's Altar; lepers from the nearby colony were not allowed in the church and this altar was built outside....communion was taken via the (now bricked up) window.
Memorial to US troops...486th Bombardment Group (H)
Memorial to troops killed in World Wars I and II...one of the children insisted that his father served in World War I....?????

Outside the old Gaol...now the Tourist information centre and museum. A well and cell are still to be seen in the cellar. The road it is in is called Gaol Lane.....when the children were asked what important building was situated in Gaol Lane the resounding answers were...the public toilets and Toymaster!!!!
This Cockerel used to stand on the top of St Peter's Church in the marketplace...it had to be removed during the war when the tower was lowered to allow for planes taking off from the nearby airfield.
Thomas Gainsborough...Sudbury's famous son. A Statue of him stands on Market Hill and there is also a museum dedicated to him.
Sudbury is also famous for its silk mills. The material for Princess Di's wedding dress was made here.
This beacon is one of many; lit to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the defeat of the Spanish Armada

One of the highlights of the day...swan and cygnets.

Didn't the children learn a lot today? I was quite chuffed as the teacher told Manda I did really well with children and she thought I must have worked in a school before!!! Ermmmm......6 weeks holiday in the Summer...now there's an idea!

SCHOOL DAYS

2007-06-19T07:19:00.000+01:00

I'm going out today and really feeling nervous. I'm a shy person at the best of times and my experiences of the last few weeks ...in the CAB and Doctor's waiting rooms ....when I've felt sheer terror coming on when surrounded by strangers have made matters worse. The silly thing is that most of the "strangers" today will be children! Manda's class are going for a historical walking tour of Sudbury....

Market Hill circa 1948

Manda told me about this and I thought it sounded really interesting; especially as part of the journey would be near the Meadows and the Croft...a bit of nature thrown in! The school has had terrible difficulties finding parent-helpers for the trip so Manda wondered if I'd like to go along with them. Part of me longed to but the thought of being with all those teachers and children who I didn't know filled me with dread. What if I can't handle it or start getting upset?....I really wouldn't want to let Manda down. I've said "YES" though...for one thing we'll be out in the open air so that "walls closing in" feeling shouldn't occur....plus at least the majority of strangers will be children ..... I'm sure their inquisitive good humour will make me smile.

So my packed lunch is ready and I've got my fingers crossed for good weather......

WISH ME LUCK!

2007-06-18T07:50:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was such a difficult day; so many tears were shed. I felt such a terrible mother; I just wanted to cuddle the girls, wipe away their tears and make everything better. The cuddles and tear wiping were no problem but there is no way I can bring their Dad back. I think it shocked us all how lost and alone we all felt. We miss Mick everyday...why should yesterday seem any worse? For once even my "stiff upper lip" and "brave face" failed me.....I couldn't control my own grief so was poweless to help them with theirs. We tried to keep telling ourselves that Mick would be upset to see us so upset...and imagined what he would be saying to us. We managed some smiles but there were so many tears.

I feel like I failed yesterday..........................sorry girls......love Mum XXX

2007-06-17T23:09:00.000+01:00

I think CROW'S FEET ANONYMOUS says it all.

MY FOREVER LOVE

2007-06-16T21:22:00.000+01:00

Moments of success and material things bring me a momentary joy but none can compare with the memories of your smile, your touch and the moments we shared...you are with me always.
You gave me strength when I needed it most and gave me the precious gift of loving me just as I am.
Your love and friendship remained constant no matter what hardships the world threw at us.
As long as I had you I had everything I needed in life.
You were my strength, my best friend, my soul mate, my hero...........

Tomorrow is Father's Day....the first special "YOU" day without you..............

HOPE

2007-06-14T16:03:00.000+01:00

I thought I'd ring the Bereavement Allowance office again today to see if there was any news yet as to when/if I might receive some money. "It's with the decision makers" I was told......"but you said that on the 6th" says I. "Oh I'll just check again" I'm told...."Oh yes it's been granted but it may take a few days and you will get £58.46 per week" "But I was told I'd get £87p.w." says I.

It seems that as Mick passed away 11 days before my 55th birthday I'm not entitled to the full quota. This means that my income is below the magic "£59" that the government says I should live on so I would have been entitled to Income Support since April, not had to pay Council Tax nor would I have to pay for prescriptions or dental charges. The amount of Income Support I would receive would only be about 50p per week but at least it would be a qualifying benefit and would entitle me to the aforesaid freebies.

I spoke to the Income Support Office and explained the last 9 weeks and the person I spoke to was really kind.....Income Support cannot be claimed unless you are unable (due to medical circumstances) to work. She suggested I go to my doctor and see if he will retrospectively declare me unfit for work over the last 2 months. I really didn't want to see our doctor; the one who "cared" for Mick and who called me liar on my doorstep so I asked the surgery if there was another doctor I could see. I fully expected to be told I could have an appointment next week (you have to book being ill in advance around here) but surprise of surprises she gave me an appointment for 11.20 this morning. The appointments were running late so I was in the waiting room quite a while....once again I started to feel that "panic attack" coming on, my eyes were pricking with tears and I really thought I was going to have to leave. I'm glad I managed to sit it out because the doctor I saw was really nice and so sympathetic......I'm sure my bursting into tears as I entered his room showed him the state I was in. Blubbing I explained what the person from Income Support had said and he immediately agreed that there was no way I would have been able to go to interviews or work over the last few weeks and gave me the Sick Note I needed.

So all in all it's been a difficult day but at least if the Income Support is allowed I won't have to pay for my next lot of Blood Pressure tablets and who knows MAYBE in a few days that £58.46p.w. will start coming through.

When push comes to shove my predicament is nothing compared to that of Madeleine McCann's family. I've just been catching up with the news and I'm praying that the anonymous letter that has been received is a hoax and that somewhere Madeline is safe. All my troubles seem insignificant when I look at the photo of this sweet little girl.

New Press Number Released: +44 203 1594389

Portuguese Police on 00351 282 405 400

Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111

International Crimestoppers on 00 44 18 83 73 13

HAIR I AM AGAIN

2007-06-13T17:34:00.000+01:00

It doesn't take much at the moment to get me down....the events of this morning...something so minor in the light of recent events...sent me to the depths of despair. I've never been a vain person...never had the looks to warrant it!....but each time I walked past a mirror today I felt desolate. I've been forcing myself to leave the house these past few months....feeling physically sick as I cross the threshold.....my rational head has made me do it...taking long walks...visiting Leanne...going to town...taking small steps...a day at a time...I cannot afford to become a recluse....but the outside world doesn't hold the same joy without Mick. I knew that this petty thing of hating my hair colour would give me further excuse to stay at home....I knew it wouldn't be right....hence the trip to the hairdresser.

Life is so strange...if I hadn't coloured my hair and felt the anguish afterwards....I would never in a lifetime have spent money on something so frivolous as a new hair-do......and now?............money well spent that has saved my soul to fight for another day. The hair Stylist (that's what they are called now) spent 15 minutes just talking to me...almost in counsellor mode. I had two choices...strip the colour off completely or have some highlights put in which would soften the existing colour. I opted for the highlights....the first option would mean spending money just to return to how I looked yesterday.

WOW what I difference now...I honestly feel and look ten years younger.....OK I still look older than I am...but that's life ........

If you're hoping for pictures........I enjoy taking photos but hate being on the receiving end....so no show I'm afraid.............. instead I'll leave you with a photo of a natural beauty..

BAD HAIR DAY

2007-06-13T10:50:00.000+01:00

I did a silly thing thing this morning; I coloured my hair. Over the last few weeks it's really been preying on my mind that I've got to compete with the "youngsters" for a job and how much I've aged over the last couple of years. So yesterday I had a "mad moment" when I was with Leanne and bought myself a hair colour...........a colour that was the same as my natural colour...before the grey set in. It only cost a few pounds and I reckoned it would be money well spent.This morning filled with hope of a "new me" emerging I did the dreadful deed.

BIG MISTAKE

What may have looked good on me when I was under 40 looks ridiculous now I'm 55! The hair colour is a wash out one...well I've washed my hair 10 times now and it still looks as bad. I now look like something out of a horror movie! I bawled my eyes out and wouldn't even answer the door to the postman!..so he left a parcel in the garage. What was in the parcel......some Solar Lights that I'd ordered months ago and were out of stock until August! My first thought at them turning up today was....this is Mick trying to cheer me up....so often something unexpectedly "nice" has happened when I've been feeling low. The more I thought about it the more I feel perhaps this is Mick telling me my hair should be LIGHTer...............so I've phoned a local hairdresser, explained the situation and have an appointment this afternoon to see if they can do any remedial work; it's going to cost me money I can ill afford (still no Bereavement Allowance news).....and for once I'm praying for rain so that I have an excuse to wear a hood for the walk down there..............wish me luck!

Memo to self......there's a lot of truth in the saying...look before you leap!

T.B.A. #2

2007-06-11T11:35:00.000+01:00

For more information as to what this is all about ...just click the award above.

PRIDE AND SADNESS

2007-06-09T20:49:00.000+01:00

I shed a few tears today....not because of anything I'd received in the post or any stress I was under....in fact it's been a wonderful day. The tears I shed were tears of pride tinged with tears of sadness. We had a lovely (LONG) walk to see the ramp that Nicole had helped build to make part of the Sudbury meadows more accessible to wheelchairs. The tears of pride were for Nicole...if you've read my Me, My Life, My Garden post "Shouting From The Ramp-Parts" you'll know why...............the tears of sadness were for Mick...how I wish he could have seen it....I just know how "chuffed" he would have been that little Nicole has grown up to be such a caring and thoughtful young woman.

I'm doing a post on M.M.L.M.G. about today when we went to see the ramp.....if you get a chance please come over and read it.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

2007-06-07T17:48:00.000+01:00

It was a long, long morning as I waited for my 2pm CAB appointment; I was filled with a sense of foreboding and feelings of panic kept looming over me. Now just a few hours later I feel 3 stone lighter and almost feel happy!....I don't think I've said that for a while.

The lady I spoke to at the CAB was wonderful; during the 10 minutes of floods of tears as I explained the situation (I felt so angry at myself for that) she stayed calm, sympathetic and gradually I got back into business mode.

She seemed pleasantly surprised that I had all the paperwork she needed to see with me and we went through it all step by step. The first weight off my shoulders came when she stated that I am in no way liable for Mick's debts. As I have informed all the companies of the position that is the end of the matter as far as she is concerned. Mick has no estate save for the £100 in his account and they can fight over that with no input from me.

The CAB are going to write letters to all my creditors explaining the position and asking them to put my accounts on hold until such time as I know what income I have. IF at that time after household bills; everyday expenses and food costs I have any money left then an "offer" of payment will be made by me for them to accept or decline...but that's in the future...for now they cannot hassle me further. She gave me some identical photocopies of Authorisation Forms to fill in....she suggested I do 10...filling in my name, address, telephone number etc. on each....knowing her time was limited I suggested that I fill in one and photocopy it 9 times...she liked that idea...far quicker! Then all I had to do was quickly sign all 10.

We went through the expenditure sheet I had to fill in...she wanted to know why I hadn't put anything down for food, clothing,fares, furniture and presents. I explained that as I have no income I can't really be spending money on such things....and even if I do receive some benefits there won't be money to spare for clothes etc. It seems I have to put figures down though and over the course of the next fortnight I need to keep a record of my food expenditure to give me some idea. I had to laugh when the figure of £15 per month on clothes was mentioned......I didn't spend that much on clothes for myself over the whole of last year!!! It seems even the £6 every six weeks to have my hair trimmed can go down as an allowable expense. I'm sure there won't be much "left over", if I put all these things down, to offer to my creditors but she says not to worry......and shall I tell you something....for the first time in over 2 months I'm NOT worried. Just having everything on hold makes all the difference and I felt about 3 stone lighter as I left her office.

Another incredible thing happened when I got home...I received a phone call from the Head of Babergh District Council Customer services...it seems my blog had come up as having made mention of them and he asked would I mind speaking to him about the treatment good or bad that I had received from them. I had to be fair....as you'll see by Monday's post (and others) B.D.C. have always been courteous and sympathetic when I've spoken to them and it's not their fault that the Bereavement Payments Office is dragging their heels. In fact today I also received a letter from B.D.C. putting it in writing that they agree I've received no allowance to date and have readjusted my payments to ZERO for both my rent and council tax until such time as receive any money. Another problem solved.

Yes it's turned out a good day all round and for now I feel slightly back in control of my life.

I'M BACK ALREADY!

2007-06-05T14:13:00.000+01:00

Well I honestly didn't expect to be posting here again before Thursday after my CAB appointment.....I mean today all I had planned was a dental appointment and tomorrow I'm going over to Colchester to see Leanne (poor girl has a possible slipped disc). I really thought all would be calm for a while. The dental appointment changed all that though.
For those of you who are not from the UK let me explain about our NHS system. If you're lucky you can find a NHS dentist...you still have to pay for consultations and treatment but if you are on benefits these charges are waived (unless you want something not covered by the NHS). I am an NHS patient and my dentist (who lost a brother himself to brain cancer) has fully understood my cancelling appointments over the last 2 years despite the fact I did need a lot of work done....his last words to me back in July 2005 were "don't worry, we'll keep you on our lists..you have more important things to do caring for your husband; you don't want to waste precious time sitting in a dentists chair). So today I went along for the much postponed appointment............just one problem.......as I currently have NO income and am in receipt of NO benefits.....I don't qualify for FREE treatment! What a crazy, crazy system. Even the (£48p.w.) Carer's Allowance that I received up until Monday is not classed as a qualifying benefit. Thankfully he took pity on me and has waived his consultation fee and is putting any treatment on hold until I find out if I can get some sort of exemption certificate or qualifying benefit.

Of course this means that the next time I need my monthly prescription for my blood pressure tablets filled I will have to pay for them too. So I hot footed it down to the Job Centre to check and see if this was correct. The young lady in there was very nice and spent ages going through all the benefits trying to find something that would help me...unfortunately until I get some sort of reply re: Bereavement Allowance nothing can be done. Even she herself found it ridiculous that I have no income at all yet have to pay a portion of rent, council tax and prescription charges......she said that a lot of people come to Britain because we have such a good welfare system but that sadly as I have no children living at home I fall through the net. She has given me a form to fill in that MAY entitle me to an Exemption Certificate though it will take about 4 weeks to be processed. She also told me that if I don't receive Bereavement Allowance that I will be able to receive Job seekers allowance until I get a job....though the look on her face said it all when I told her my age. The other problem is that Job Seeker's Allowance or Income Support cannot be backdated and I cannot claim it until I know if I'm getting Bereavement Allowance.....so if they say no......well ...........(please enter seriously bad expletives here)

She did say I'd be better off in prison.......ermmmm....now where did I put that striped T-shirt and swag bag

SMALL CHANGE

2007-06-04T21:27:00.000+01:00

I'm not happy with this blog anymore; when Mick was alive even when we were having bad days I would blog and before I knew it the gloom would turn to sunshine. Lately this hasn't been happening...I don't know if it can again. I don't want to close it completely; it acts as a memorandum during my battle with the Benefits Agencies and assorted creditors....who I rang, when I rang, what I/they said etc. But I don't want it to turn into the pathetic ramblings of a miserable woman and I know I'm getting lower and lower each day.....Hopefully at some point I'll turn the corner. At the moment I'm seeking the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel"; trying desperately to actually look forward to something........I'm searching in my own Pandora's Box...trying to find HOPE but at the moment it's alluding me. I know I can still laugh...I've read quite a few blogpals posts lately that have made me laugh out loud...but the laughter soon fades...snuffed out by the sorrow within me.

I've been doing daily posts for a long time now; each day with Mick was precious..............I'm posting today about my calls to B.D.C. and the benefits office and I'll probably post about the CAB appointment on Thursday.....but there will be days in between...days like yesterday when I've been gardening, walking, reading, taking photographs....these are days that belong on my M.M.L.M.G. blog....all that would be left for this blog is the emotional turmoil I'm going through....no fun to read and no fun to write. So from now on my regular posts will be on my "garden" blog and I'll just stick to "business" here..............

Well that's the theory...only time will tell if it works in practice.

Right now to the phone calls; by some miracle it only took 15 minutes to speak to Babergh District Council about the Rent and Council Tax I've been told I have to pay...the lady I spoke to was very nice, she is deferring the decision for now....once/IF I do get the £87p.w. Bereavement Allowance I'll have to make the payments up but at least for now they won't be attempting to take Direct Debits out of my bank account...which would result in non-payment due to insufficient funds AND a hefty great bank charge because payment was refused!

The Bereavement Allowance Office wasn't a lot of help...they agree that my Carer's Allowance has now ceased but my paperwork is with the "DECISION MAKER'S" and so they are unable to tell me WHEN or IF I will receive any money. They did say I should get a decision SOON but were unable to define exactly when SOON would be.

I'm still unable to get any further re the £109 in Mick's bank account....the Bank has a "back-log" it seems and so as yet are unable to help re: WHEN/IF/HOW I can gain access to that.

I've filled the form in that I received from one of Mick's Credit Card Companies...there is a long list of things they need to know re: ASSETS...stocks and shares, motor vehicle, property and the such like..the only thing that was relevant was that £109 in his bank account..........that was rather outweighed by the figure I had to put in the LIABILITIES column...which included Funeral Expenses.

To end this post on a bright note...Jenny finished her Triathlon on Saturday... I was so pleased for her. This week is going to be an energetic week for another couple of blogpals too.....Julie (CG) who is a regular commenter/supporter on my blogs is doing her Race For Life on Wednesday evening (can't believe they do an evening run in Chester...that's when I'd be wanting to put my feet up!) and AuntieNoo is doing hers on Saturday...bet they're glad I won't be there videoing there "warm-ups" like I did with Kim!

I saw this on Claire's Blog and just had to have one myself......please feel free to share it.....

2007-06-03T23:59:00.000+01:00

Akelamula tagged me for THE LINK TRAIN meme; it's rather long so I've put it on one of my other blogs......you'll find it HERE.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET WORSE

2007-06-03T13:08:00.000+01:00

The end of that tether is getting nearer.....I had two letters yesterday that left me shell-shocked and resulted in me spending the whole morning in tears. The first was a letter telling me that the £415 Carer's Allowance I'd been paid was wrong....it seems that they have overpaid me £215 and they want that back! As that is all the benefit I've received since Mick's death it means my income for the last eight weeks is £25 per week. As if that wasn't enough I also received a letter from the Housing and Council Tax Benefit Office......they have reassessed my position and have now decided that I have to pay £35 per week towards rent and £9.63 per week towards Council Tax. If there's a mathematical genius reading this can they tell me how out of £25 I'm supposed to find £44.63....it's not going to happen. I really don't know how much longer I can carry on like this...it's all just getting too much. Even the paperwork I did for the CAB is wrong now. It's all such a mess. Even if I sell everything I own and go bankrupt I'm still never going to be able to manage on MINUS £20 a week.

Half of the problem I think is that they are still assuming I'm getting Bereavement Allowance...the £87 a week they keep telling me I'm getting.....BUT I'M NOT..........

I've emailed my Landlady to explain the situation as they are also going to reclaim from her the money that they now think I should have paid. What a mess......hopefully she will be more patient than the relative who asked me the other day if I'd got a job yet. Give me a chance please!.......I cared for Mick for two years almost and saved the government a fortune in Hospice costs.....I think I can be a "drain on society for" a bit longer!.............at least until everything is sorted out.

And of course to make matters worse the letters arrived on a Saturday when the offices are closed so I couldn't even ring them and plead my case! Instead I've got to stew until Monday morning when I (hopefully) can get to speak to someone.......I hope so because that's the day that even the (aforementioned) Carer's Allowance stops!!!

I can't explain to you how down I felt; I think if there had been a cliff nearby I would have jumped... I felt really sorry for Manda...she popped in and this time I couldn't "hide" my tears.....usually when things get on top of me I may rant and rave but try not to let anyone "see" just how much it is upsetting me. Luckily she wasn't busy (or at least she said she wasn't) and we went out for a walk by the river. It did me good as even the garden was feeling oppressive...we must of been out for a couple of hours....at least that's what my feet told me!!! The one blessing of living where we do is that it is easy to escape to the countryside even without a car.

To be honest without Manda's company, the walk and Akamula's hilarious post I don't think I'd be smiling now.

FROM WORSE TO BETTER

2007-06-02T20:30:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was a difficult day; I got up ready to battle the world...well some more boxes and a cupboard actually...all went well until I found Mick's old paint stained working jacket...tears, memories.....head battled heart...heart battled head......four times it went into the the "throw away" pile...I mean what good is it to anyone?...even a charity shop wouldn't want it the state that it's in....but I want it......it's back in the cupboard now .....I can use it myself when I'm working in the garden in the winter.............

The problem with episodes like this when I get so upset is that I can't shake it off...it stays with me all day..................just the slightest thing can start me off and I'm in floods of tears......

Once again though fate/serendipity stepped in. As you must know by now I'm an avid gardener......last year (not knowing what this year would bring) instead of having to worry about planting begonia seeds and having the trouble of caring for them I'd ordered some ready grown plants for delivery in May. Thursday I'd phoned the company because I'd still not received them...I was told they would be here next week......so what happens...I'm down, depressed and there's a knock on the door....the begonia plants had arrived!!!....TODAY not next week! So sun shining and heart uplifted I had a fabulous garden day....pausing only to sunbathe, take photos and read...in the garden of course!

So often this has happened...I've been at my lowest and something comes along to cheer me up...I always murmur my thanks to Mick....I really feel he's trying to get me through.............and as the sunset last night I ended the day with a happier heart..............

HAVE YOU TIME FOR A CLICK?

2007-06-01T17:27:00.000+01:00

On Saturday one of my blogpals Jenny is taking part in the Pawling Triathlon. Jenny admits herself that she is not a natural athelete but over the last year has diligently spurred herself on knowing that she is raising money for an excellent cause, a Care Car for her local community. Please pop over today and wish her the best of luck for tomorrow.......just click on the picture below.....

THE AMERICAN CONNECTION

2007-05-31T10:15:00.000+01:00

In my hurry to upload my photos from yesterday, although I mentioned that there were American connections to Bury St Edmunds, I forgot to mention the web page that may be of interest to some of you. Just click on the flag below.

If you're from Jamestown, Virginia and are celebrating the 400th anniversary founding you may be interested in this site...click HERE

Even Sudbury has links with America....Nicole had been learning about it school;

In 1630 John Winthrop from the Suffolk village of Groton near Sudbury emigrated to take charge of the Massachusetts Company. He founded the city of Boston and became the first Governor of the State of Massachusetts. He has been described as the "Father of New England" and is buried in the Kings Chapel, Boston. His son John became first Governor of Connecticut and a major city in this state is named after the ancestral home, Groton. It was another Sudbury man, Thomas Davies, who set the lantern in the tower of Old North Church, Boston, giving the signal to Paul Revere to make his famous ride.

***************************************************************************

Thanks to all those who have wished me well for my CAB appointment. It WAS definitely for today.....I know because they have just phoned and cancelled it! The advisor I was due to see has called in sick so they have rescheduled my appointment for next Thursday 7th. Maybe by then I will have some idea whether or not I will be getting the Bereavement Allowance....still no news......my Carer's Allowance ends on the 4th June but I still have to pay my share of Council Tax and Rent. On the bright side at least I have all the paperwork ready for the CAB now so I won't have that job hanging over my head.

I COME TO PRAISE BURY, SAYS HER!

2007-05-30T23:59:00.000+01:00

What a FANTASTIC day! We left home at 8.30am and didn't get home until 6.30pm. The weather compared to the last few days was kind to us.......all of the morning was dry...there was a little rain while we were in Pizza Hut and the rest of the afternoon was drizzling but not enough to dampen our spirits. I went a bit camera crazy...somehow I took over 100 photos!!! Don't panic I'm not posting them all here......... but if you have time to spare please drop by my Picasa web album and take a look. Just click on the album below.

Bury St Edmunds Day Trip

Apologies if I've not visited your blogs but I've had some paperwork to sort out since I've been home. Do you remember the Citizens Advice Bureau appointment I had for Friday 31st May.......well Friday isn't the 31st...tomorrow is!!! Being home too late to phone them to confirm whether it's Friday or the 31st that's correct, I've had to assume that the appointment is tomorrow and quickly get all the paperwork prepared that I thought I had all day tomorrow to do.

I'm now very tired, my feet ache....but I've had a fabulous day........................and if you're wondering about the little fellow at the beginning of this post........well I have always loved Buddahs and Manda & co bought me this one today as a good luck, keepsake, memory of today.

DAY TRIPPER

2007-05-30T23:29:00.000+01:00

Going out on a family outing today to Bury St Edmunds with Manda & co. Fingers crossed for fine weather!

ONE WORD TAG

2007-05-29T23:53:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged by Talj to answer these questions in one word

1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket
2. Relationship? Lonely
3. Your hair? Grey
4. Work? Pending
5. Your sister? Miriam
6. Your favorite thing? Garden
7. Your dream last night? Wistful
8. Your favorite drink? Brandy
9. Your dream car? Andi's
10. The room you’re in? Lounge
11. Your shoes? Flip-flops
12. Your fears? Tomorrow
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Debtfree
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Lynn
15. What you’re not good at? Socialising
16. Muffin? Blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? Nursery
18. Where you grew up? Europe
19. The last thing you did? Contemplated
20. What are you wearing? Woollens
21. What aren’t you wearing? Perfume
22. Your pet? Imaginary
23. Your computer? Lifeline
24. Your life? Changing
25. Your mood? Improving
26. Missing? MICK
27. What are you thinking about right now? MICK
28. Your car? None
29. Your kitchen? Homely
30. Your summer? Hopeful
31. Your favorite color? Blue
32. When is the last time you laughed? Today
33. Last time you cried? Today
34. School? Great
35. Love? Forever

It's diffiult to know who to tag....many of the usual ~~victims~~ willing volunteers have already been tagged.....but if someone else hasn't already caught you...I tag
Claire...it will give her an excuse to break from her studies
Shaz ...because she's got a special blog for this kind of thing...update just realise you've already been tagged ...anyone out there fancy a go??????
Sylvia ....because every one of her "I'm getting old" posts I agree with

HAPPY BLOG BIRTHDAY

2007-05-29T00:01:00.000+01:00

"Time it was and what a time it was...A time of innocence; a time for confidences. Long ago it must be; I have a photograph. Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you........" (Photograph ~Icarus~ Words~Paul Simon~)

In the beginning of There Are A Million Stories a special blogger came into the life of Mick and Ruth; how he chanced upon my blog I do not know ...maybe fate decreed it......maybe it was a fortunate case of serendipity.....however it happened he has been a true friend and his support both in my comment box and in his regular emails has meant more to me than words alone can ever express.

I had many wonderful emails and comments from so many blogfriends around the world when Mick passed away; I have printed them all out and often I read them when I feel alone and in need of comfort. There is one though written by Icarus (Stewart) that I keep in my bedside cabinet; this is the one I turn to in the dark hours when I cannot sleep; one paragraph shines through and I hear Mick's voice in the words.........

At the end, as it approached, he (Mick) gave you all his love and gratitude in the only way he could. In his passing last night, he spoke to you without words through his sleep. He said:
"Look my Darling Ruthie! It's my time now. But be reassured.
Look! I am moving on, gently and in peace. It is thanks to you and my thanks to you. We part on this earth, but only until we are reunited, when the time comes. We part in the full knowledge that we remain bound forever in the best love and at peace with each other.
You see how peaceful I am and you must know that I am content and ready. However sad I am to leave you, there is no choice and I will have what you most want for me - my full repair.
I love you and need only your well-being, your fortitude, that you continue to be the woman that the whole world has seen - an impeccable human emerald, ruby, angel who knows no other way than to give for love."
Maybe not in those words, my sweet, broken sister, but his message shines clear to me.

Despite the misfortunes and troubles that have pervaded his own life, a heavy workload and the taking of the woes of so many of his friends on his own back he has still continued to give me comfort and support.........so

Happy 1st Blogbirthday "TIME AND A WORD"

may you continue from strength to strength

(or should that be...... from Força to Força)

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW......IT'S RAINING!

2007-05-28T18:04:00.000+01:00

I've had trouble today picking up/sending emails and getting blogs/comment boxes to load. In the end I decided to try going in via BT Yahoo...I don't usual use it because of the (disgustingly lewd) SPAM in the spam box..OUTLOOK seems to have a way of throwing that back so that I never receive it. Any way, after desperately trying to remember my password, in I went.......my old home page loaded first and there in front of me were my "stars"..........

You might find that your brain is hanging out in the slow lane today, dear Aries. Gradually it may even be creeping over to the breakdown lane. You might find that it is harder to make your quick, witty, rebuttals to the conversations at hand. Take your time and make sure you choose your words very carefully. Communicating with others might be a bit like pulling teeth.

Now if I change the word brain to computer it's spot on I reckon!!!........... Hey I heard that...what do you mean "leave it as brain!"......lol

Putting that to one side, today has been a thoroughly wet, cold, miserable day weatherwise. I feel so sorry for all the families who have gone on holiday for the Half term week or had planned BBQ's. I heard on our local news that one Scout troop had been washed out of their camping trip and had to come home early....so disappointing. That said I decided I wouldn't let the weather get me down too much...I did a bit of "kitchen gardening"...cleared up the mess from that! Listened to music, tried a few more macros, did some reading, even watched an afternoon film (not usually a daytime TV watcher)......the film I watched was "The Parent Trap" and yes I bawled at the happy ending.

So all in all, a bit of a "mish mash" day...nothing exciting but better than sitting in a Bank Holiday Monday traffic Jam!!!!

SUN?..DAY

2007-05-27T17:21:00.000+01:00

Lynn has just text...she is safely home now. She has been an absolute angel running me about here and there. She even helped Leanne out by taking her to Tesco's so she could do some shopping.....as the weather has been awful today Leanne was so pleased not to be hobbling home on foot, laden with shopping bags. We listened to Mel (6) who has joined her school choir singing "Any Dream Will Do" and heard how well her reading is coming along. It only seems a short while ago that she learning her alphabet......time flies past.....and #1 grandson Phil has just left school!!!! ...was it really that long ago when this photo was taken........Lynn and I both bought Leanne a tray of plants as she has developed a case of Green Fingers...she has painted her fence panels and dug out a border along one side of her garden. Sadly I forgot to take my third eye (my camera) with me to Colchester so no photos I'm afraid....though the weather today has been awful...torrential rain and any photo would have just looked like this one that I took through the window a moment ago.......After I've eaten this evening I intend to treat myself to a "pamper night"...a candlelit bath, soft music (Lynn bought me a lovely "music and nature sounds" CD), perhaps a hair colour (I'm sure I've one upstairs somewhere); then maybe a manicure and some nail polish.......to bring back the "WOMAN" in me.

EARLY RISER

2007-05-27T06:21:00.000+01:00

A brief early riser post; Lynn arrived safe and sound yesterday. It was a day of hugs, laughing, food shopping, compost buying, laughing, food, dozing, (cheap) plant buying, laughing, more food, a little wine, full stomachs, laughing, TV watching while chatting, laughing, yawning, bed.

I did have one short episode when I left the girls for a while to go upstairs for a bit of Mick and me time....usually I go about my daily business chatting to Mick out loud...I'm know Lynn, Manda and Nicole would have understood it and not thought I was "going off my rocker" but I prefer my "chats" to be private. Today Lynn and I are going to Colchester to see Leanne.....it will be a much easier and quicker journey by car than public transport.

I don't know why some of my photos yesterday turned into "red cross boxes" not a blogproblem I've had for a while, I've reloaded the kitten ones so hopefully they can now be seen. I did try a little blogaround late last night but my pc was running very slow and couldn't get into any comment boxes...a case of "I could see, but not be heard"....hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend..............

MAKING ALLOWANCES

2007-05-25T19:57:00.000+01:00

HURRAH!!! I have finally got the documentation re; my carers allowance that was due. Why it took so long I will never know........the original excuse was that it was not in the system that Mick had died. Well if it was not in the system then why did they stop my money!!! As it is the allowance ends at the beginning of June. Still at least I've now been able to send proof of income for those 8 weeks to the Council Tax Offices...as that income is only £46 per week, for those 2 months I should be excluded from paying Council Tax. Still no news of the Bereavement Allowance ...I hope that comes through before my Carers Allowance runs out.
Lynn is coming tomorrow....it will be good to see her.....I shall be taking advantage of her and her car to go to the garden centre and get some compost. I have so many plants struggling in tiny pots waiting to go into baskets and troughs.

Manda popped in after school to celebrate the start of the Half Term holiday......in years gone past it was always tradition that she would come round when a holiday started and have a drink or three with Mick and I. It wasn't the same today...we both missed him so much. We did look ahead to a few "outings"...next week we are going out for the day and during the Summer Holidays we plan to have a "sightseeing" day in London

and also a day at the beach!.......maybe Walton or Brightlingsea...oh how I love the seaside!
I've also heard from Leanne that there will be a new addition to the family in a few weeks.....isn't he the cutest kitten.....he is too young to leave his mum at the moment but in 3 weeks time he will go to live with Leanne & co. I must admit when Leanne sent these photos to my phone the thought crossed my mind how nice it would be to have a cat....but it would be a bit unfair of me to have a cat and then keep shooing it off the garden!

I did do a little more spring cleaning today.... I sat in the garden and sorted out my photo folders!......LOL

I may not do a post tomorrow....Manda and Nicole are coming round tomorrow night to see Lynn and I (Chris will be at training) so there's a "girly" evening in store...maybe even a wee dram...have a good weekend all!!!

HAD A FUNNY TURN

2007-05-24T19:59:00.000+01:00

After I published my post this morning I went into the kitchen and had a really funny turn......I got the urge to CLEAN!!!! Not just general dusting and vacuuming.....nothing as simple as that....no I went into a full scale "Flash in a bowl, boiling water, rubber gloves" kitchen tiles, walls, doors cleaning mode! I was really worried, what was happening to me.....golly does this mean I'm suddenly going to enjoy ironing......NOOOOOOO!
Now I know I said the other day that "this wasn't me"...but honestly this is going too far! I have my Miss Haversham street cred to think about!!!!

Thankfully after an hour (coincidentally... when the sun came out) and without the aid of any medicinal tablets or lotions....the feeling wore off. PHEW...........................

After this the day continued quite normally. I phoned, yet again, to request some sort of paperwork re the 8 weeks Carer's Allowance that I'm due. Once again I've been promised it will be in the post.......

WATCH THIS SPACE!

I also received my gas bill (the NEXT one should be lower) and realised that it was still in Mick's name. I thought I'd better phone them and ATTEMPT to get the name changed....from past experience I just knew it was going to be lot of hassle. Anyway, I phoned up Powergen; got straight through to a person; explained the situation; was asked my full name.....HEY PRESTO...DONE!!!! My gaster has never been so flabbered! If only everything was that easy.

After lunch the weather was still really warm but cloudy so I took myself off for a nice country walk...(a few photos on Me, My Life, My Garden)...isn't it strange how I could have happily stayed out all afternoon in the countryside yet a few hours out of the house and into the town fills me dread and panic...................

ON AN EVEN KEEL

2007-05-24T06:17:00.000+01:00

Well yesterday continued on a positive note. The sun shone all day and it was so HOT! My kind of weather...... Manda and I had lunch in the garden and yesterday evening I dined "al fresco" with a nice plate of pasta.....(and the obligatory glass of red wine....lol) I'm glad I made the most of it as more rain is forecast for the Bank Holiday weekend. Tomorrow sees the end of the first half of the school's Spring Term so I hope the weather stays reasonable nice for the week. Manda & co and I are hoping to have a day out next week....maybe a trip to Bury St Edmunds....Nicole dropped by on her way home from school and when we were talking about it she said "Maybe we could have lunch in Pizza Hut"......it struck me that I've never been in a Pizza Hut!!!.....so that's a new experience to look forward to.......

I need to cling on to "things to look forward to" as at the moment I'm finding it a hard to do.

On Saturday Lynn is coming to stay for the weekend......when I think back it's been a few weeks since I saw her last so I'm sure we will have plenty to catch up on....what a difference she'll see in the garden and her Dad's Rhody is now almost in full bloom.

I've still had no paperwork come through re; benefits income so I will have to make one phone call today. I'm grateful that my backdated carer's allowance has come through but I can't proceed with anything else until I have some "official" proof of my income.

Good news (fingers crossed) on the PC problems.......I needed the protective mat that was under the computer for something else. As the base of the PC gets quite hot I'd put it there to protect the wooden desk. Well since I've moved it the PC's not switched itself off! I don't know if it's just coincidence but perhaps the mat was bouncing the heat back and my PC WAS overheating (as many of you suggested).

Right I'm off for a little blogaround and see what you've all been up to!

SHORT POST

2007-05-23T11:51:00.000+01:00

Sun's out, lounger's out, shorts are on, garden's beautiful, no bad news in the mail, no phone calls to make..........FABULOUS!!!! I've even got a little friend.....keeping an eye on me!
P.S. the steak last night was fabulous too!

Caught A Bus to the CAB

2007-05-22T17:46:00.000+01:00

I caught the bus into town this morning and went to the Citizens Advice Bureau (I spent all day yesterday trying to phone them to no avail); it didn't go well for me. I was shown into a small waiting room....too small for me to handle. There were other people waiting...more of the Million Stories. Some of them warned me that it could be a long wait...2 to 3 hours was the reckoning and even then some who had waited may not get seen. The CAB is a voluntary organisation and all the "workers" are volunteers so I have no complaints about this, I like so many others are grateful that the organisation exists; there are just too many people with too many problems who need help. I assumed they were right about the "wait" when I heard the receptionist turning newcomers away saying that there was no chance of being seen today. During the course of the first hour the room slower became smaller and smaller as I felt the walls moving in. I tried to join in the chatter but my anxiety started to rise. I felt my chest tighten, I started to cry, my head began to spin and I had to get out before I was sick. The receptionist came after me; I explained my position and apologised but I just couldn't sit there any longer. She was so sympathetic and so kind and said the chances were I wouldn't be seen today anyway. She explained that appointments were difficult to come by but has managed to squeeze me in on the 31st May and given me some forms to fill in re; probate, income, debts etc. I've never been like this before; I've had times of stress when I could so easily have panicked but have always managed to contain it and carry on regardless. This isn't like me at all. With Mick no problem ever seemed insurmountable...................................

I miss him so much.

I feel slightly more positive though knowing that on the 31st I'll be speaking to someone who knows the legalities of things. I've never been one for "running for help" but sometimes you need someone who knows "what's what".

After I'd left the CAB I took a walk through the park; somehow the communing with nature calmed me down. I've finally had the Carer's Allowance owed to me paid into the bank (still no paperwork though); that and the birthday money I have left will cover the balance of the funeral bill so that's a weight off my mind. I went to the bank to see if they could write me a cheque, as my new cheque book hasn't come through yet, but they said it will cost £10! for them to write it. My "business" head thought "But that's a sixth of my allowable income" my "carnivore" head thought "I can get 3lb of rump steak for that at the butchers".............I decided to wait a few more days and see if the cheque book turns up.

I had intended to go to the Job Centre as well but couldn't face it.....I wanted to get home....I needed to get home...................the panicky feeling was starting again.......................and I feel SAFE at home. As I put the key in the door I suddenly felt calm again....maybe there's something opiate in the scent of the Whiskey Mac by the door...........................

more likely I think it's just that home is where I feel closest to Mick.

Well my PC has done me the honour of allowing me to write this whole post without switching itself off so I think I'll hit the Publish button........also ...........you know the £10 I didn't give to the bank.......well my "carnivore" head dragged me to the butchers on my way home and so there's a lettuce to be picked, new potatoes to steam and a steak waiting to be seared................

ANTS IN MY PANTS!

2007-05-21T13:54:00.000+01:00

A little bit of poetic licence there as it should really be "MOTHS IN MY DRAWERS".......there being no further calls I could make to Benefit Agencies until I get some paperwork through the post I decided to start going through some drawers in the house and sorting them out. They are all suffering badly from the "bunged it in there" problem and were bursting at the joints. The best laid plans eh!.....what happens.....I spot this......

well the drawers were forgotten as out came the camera and Jessie (so named as her brand name is Jessops) the tripod........(this is all your fault Talj...you've got me hooked!)...........and I managed to take some of these.......before the moth flew off...so back I went to the drawer sorting and one black sack of rubbish later I was done.

I then decided that the living room needed a good polish.......that dust layer is creeping back...so armed with dusters and Mr Sheen I cleared all the ornaments and prepared to get to work.......what happens...I see this.........

so the polishing had to stop didn't it or how would I have snapped these....... I've also tried phoning the Citizen's Advice Bureau to make an appointment; I need to seek some professional advice about the money in Mick's bank account (still no answer from the bank), Mick's credit card balances and my own financial situation....unfortunately they are permanently engaged (I guess there are a lot of people with problems) and so I think I'll have to go in person and make an appointment.

While I was sorting the drawers out I found these......

a conker and a few stones....nothing exciting you may think....oh but the memories they brought back to me....mementos of the past...no longer tucked away in drawers but displayed and cherished............................

Finally thank you for all your suggestions re: my PC problem.....I'm working my way through them but no luck so far.

P(ea)C(e)

2007-05-20T16:53:00.000+01:00

PEACE
PERFECT
PEACE
That was a sneaky way of posting my Peace Lily photos wasn't it...LOL

It has been a peaceful day though. Mick & I always (unless we had visitors) liked to keep Sunday peaceful....no car washing or housework on Sundays.....only "fun" things and lots of "R&R". In the Summer we would either be in the garden or perhaps take a day trip to somewhere like Southwold...he'd sit on the beach and watch me messing about in the sea..(I love the sea). If it was Winter or the weather wasn't nice enough to get outside then it would be Cryptic Crosswords, Cribbage, Trivial Pursuits and lots of reading...with a Sunday Dinner thrown in of course! Well they'll be no more trips out or Crib games...doing a Crossword isn't the same without him........but I have had a peaceful day out in the garden and did SO much reading! I even took my PC out there for a little while and had a little blogaround until the battery ran out (by some miracle it stayed on for a whole hour without shutting down).

The remarkable thing was there was no sound at all save for the bees and the pond fountain. No children playing outside (I find this sad).....not even a lawn mower chugging away.

Yes a lovely peaceful day...............................

Talking of my PC....it still keeps shutting down ....it took me half an hour to get it to stay on so I could write this post and I find myself holding my breath hoping it won't go off again before I've finished. I've run virus checks, spyware checks, checked the cables etc etc........I even spoke to the manufacturers on Friday but they just say "it could be any of a hundred things".....

At least I've managed to get some of the stuff back on my sidebar...a lot of it was old stuff so I've left that off...and some of it I can't remember where I got it from in the beginning!

Well that's me done......BBC are starting their Chelsea Flower Show programmes tonight and I that's "must see" TV for me.

Hope you've all had peaceful days too...................

2007-05-19T19:51:00.000+01:00

ERMMMMM......don't know what's happened in my sidebar? Strange goings on! Looks like a night on the HTML for me!.................................

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL

2007-05-18T21:58:00.000+01:00

A beautifully warm, sunny day

Great comments of support and understanding from my blogpals (if you haven't seen all the messages please go into yesterdays comment box......(isn't wildlifegardener's verse lovely)

Some wonderful emails......

The granting of a loan from the Social Fund for 2/3rds of the funeral costs (I've got to repay it but at least it's interest free)

A lovely gardening day

Some reasonable (for me) success with some macro photos

Insects staying still long enough to be photographed

A scrummy Chilli (thanks Chris) and lovely few hours at Manda & co's

A wonderful walk "up the hill"

Another £20 cheque donation in Mick's memory for the Clatterbridge cancer Campaign

Despite eating so well the past few weeks standing on the scales and not having put on weight.

N.B. Just one grumble my PC is still playing up.....took me half an hour just to get it to turn on. So if I suddenly disappear at some point, or don't get enough PC"OK" time to visit your blogs...you know why.

HOW CAN "WE" BECOME "I"?

2007-05-17T17:53:00.000+01:00

I do it all the time, especially when commenting on someone's blog........we went to Cornwall (that's OK..past times)............we've got a Montana in our garden (passable...after all it was planted when Mick was here)........we need to get some more compost before we can plant up the troughs (this is the "oh dear" one....future tense). The problem is I'm not an I....I'm a WE...Mick and I have always been WE....since the day we became one there was never an I for either of us.

I'm finding it so hard.

I've tried reading some articles about "how to deal with the loss of your spouse"....one tip is..

Do something creative--writing, journaling, gardening, painting, woodworking, building, photography--to express the intense feelings.

no problems there....I think blogging covers the writing/journaling part.....and gardening and photography are second nature to me now. The trouble is ..the gardening...the greatest fun... has always been WE.......Mick would be the compost mixer, the builder, the veg man and so much more; I the planter, the flower seed sower, the dead header.....each of us had our separate tasks yet we were part of a team.....there's no "I" in "TEAM". It's not the same "fun" without him.

Then there's the paradox.......Mick's Rhododendron, Mick's Pergola, Mick's Tomatoes (weird but the lettuces were always mine, the tomatoes always Mick's). Now it will be me feeding the Rhody, me maintaining the pergola, me growing the tomatoes......but they will always be Mick's.

I feel so OLD too; pre 6th April when I woke in the morning (usually 5.30am...I've always been an early riser) I would spring out of bed, instantly awake.........now, though I still wake early, I crawl out of bed, bleary-eyed and tired. How did "spring" turn to "crawl"? Pre 6th April I could lift any weight, walk for miles......now those compost bags I threw over my shoulder feel so heavy, those legs that would carry me miles feel like jelly.

Everything around me is filled with memories....HAPPY memories.....what mathematical equation suddenly made HAPPY MEMORIES=SAD TEARS.......?????

And where did those "senior moments" come from........those "forgetful moments"........even over the last two years I never forgot anything...I was always on the ball..........this week I even forgot to put the dustbin out for collection!!! Dear, dear......................

On a lighter note; Chris brought round some Rhubarb today that one of his neighbours had given him...................I made Rhubarb Crumble for Manda & I for lunch.........naturally making an extra one for Manda to take home. Chris is making one of his infamous Chillis ready for tomorrow night. I'm going round to Manda's tomorrow evening and joining them for dinner. I can't remember the last time we (see I've done it again).....I went out to dinner. I hope the weather's fine; I may drag Manda & Nicole up to the woodland area after we've eaten.....I've been wanting to take some photos from up there.

Oh I've suddenly remembered (well done Ruth, there's hope for you yet!) something that will go well with this post.....Jeanette of Jen & Cazz's Chronicles posted it ages ago; I'm sure she won't mind me borrowing it.

My Rememberer Is Broke

My forgetter's getting better but my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering if I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room, say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain, a zero is my score.
At times I put something away where it is safe, but, see!
The person it is safest from is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone, say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better while my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy and that isn't any joke.

Right time for me to go and eat...sadly for my waistline I'm not one of those people who starves themselves when they are depressed........

BRINGING HOME THE BACON!

2007-05-16T14:12:00.000+01:00

To those of you who commented and emailed me about my post "A few more grey hairs"; I had many words of support, many words of good advice and much sharing of your own stories about your own "rides on the the DHSS merry-go-round"; I thank you for that. To the one (I stress one) emailer who said my post was (I quote);

"Nothing more than an online begging letter"

well I doubt if you'll be visiting my blog again and reading this so I won't waste my breath on you. For the rest of you this is how things possibly stand at the moment;

I have received a letter re: Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit. On the assumption that I will receive £87.30 Bereavement Allowance (this has yet to be confirmed) this means that I will have an excess income (above what the Government thinks I should live on) of £28.15. Therefore any Housing Benefit I could receive has to reduced by 65% of £28.15 and any Council Tax Benefit I could receive has to be reduced by has to be reduced by 20% of £28.15. (are you with me so far?)......

This means that out of the £28.15 excess I have to pay £18.30 plus £5.63 meaning that my total income will be £87.30 less £23.93.......using fingers and toes and a calculator I reckon this means I have £63.37 per week left to live on. A fortune to many in some parts of the world I know but as my.......

Water £10.00p.w.
Telephone £12.00p.w. (this could be higher due to the countless calls to the DHSS)
Electric £10.00p.w. (this could possibly reduce now that I don't have the electric bed and hoist)
Gas £20.00p.w. (this could reduce during the Summer and I now don't need to keep the house warm for Mick)........

comes to a total of £52.00 a week before I even start paying for my mobile phone (this I think will have to go), credit card bills (I've had to use these a lot the last couple of years) and unimportant things like food and clothing I think things are going to get tough. I certainly have to find a job.......of course then I imagine I will lose all benefits and have to pay full rent and council tax. I've made a rough guesstimation that in order to pay my bills I need to bring home (after tax) £250.00 per week.......if I want to eat, clothe myself, need transport costs to get to work and buy Christmas/Birthday presents etc I'll need more. As I'd like to at least EAT I'm thinking I shall need a "take home" wage of at least £300.00 per week..

The Minimum Wage as set by the Government is currently £5.05 per hour (before tax)......as I can't see me getting a job as a Brain Surgeon or an Astronaut and knowing how poor the job market is around here I can't see me getting a job that earns more than the minimum wage; plus I have my age (55) against me.

I worked out that this means I need a job that will allow me to work over 54 hours a week (this will increase depending how much Tax I have to pay).

And pigs may fly!
This seems a good time to post The Prayer For The Stressed that WildlifeGardener left in my comment box a few days ago.........

A Prayer For The Stressed.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today
because they got on my nerves.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I tread on today
as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work...
12% Monday,23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday,
20% Thursday, and 5% Friday.
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
it takes 42 muscles to frown,
28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack
someone in the mouth!

The author wishes to state that no begging was implied in this post, though next weeks winning Lottery numbers would be nice!

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS

2007-05-15T17:32:00.000+01:00

This is where I could be todaysailing on one of these...................Last year I won this cruise; it was one of those "when we have room" sorts of prizes and last month my dates came through.It's nice to know that I won and looking at the rain outside I bet I would have enjoyed the weather. But I couldn't go....for one thing there is still all the "sorting to do"...then there's the cost (I'd need some spending money and a new bikini...LOL)........even if Mick had been here fit and well I doubt that we would have gone and left this.................

not at this time of year...... just as it's all starting to happen.................and even the gloomy weather has made way for some beautiful sunsets........................

If the holiday had been transferable then I could have given it away or even sold it.......but it wasn't........... I did ask................... and besides there's no place like

A FEW MORE GREY HAIRS

2007-05-14T23:22:00.000+01:00

I woke up this morning aching from head to toe...as I didn't actually run yesterday I can only put it down to the jolting about on the bus and the train yesterday. I certainly feel a lot older than my 55 years today and not really in the mood to prepare for today's battle with the DHSS and suchlike....but it has to be done...........(putting this to draft while I start the phone calls).........and leaving you will a little telephone music...............

I have now spent yet another morning hanging on the phone speaking to every available DHSS agency I can find trying to get someone somewhere to get the ball rolling so that I can receive the monies I am due. I am entitled to Carers Allowance for 8 weeks following Mick's death, I am entitled to Bereavement Allowance......to date I have received not a single penny since 6th April and things are starting to get awkward. One department waits on another department which waits on another department and on and on....once you get to the last department they cant do anything until the first department does.I know I should be grateful that we have a benefits system but it's just not working for me. The cost of my phone bill is mounting up in my effort to receive what is due to me.....unless something happens quickly I won't be paying that bill! The Funeral Directors (understandably)want their money, council tax,rent, gas, water, electric etc etc..the list grows day by day! I am a reasonably intelligent and patient person but even I am getting to the end of my tether.

In true Scarlett O'Hara mode ( you have probably noticed the resemblance between us...LOL).....

"Tara for now. After all, tomorrow is another day and the sun may be shining!"

GOOD THINGS COME IN THREES!

2007-05-14T23:19:00.000+01:00

It's the early hours of Monday morning...not much going on yet......if you're looking for something to pass some time I've a few suggestions;

You may like to visit my Photo A Day blog post for today; it is a three way collaboration (though my part was merely just being there!).
Or you may prefer to take a look at the Online Auction; those Makeover days and Paintballing days would be just the thing for a Stag Do or Hen Do!
Then again you may like to vist Team Smarties Headquarters; you can read all about the Britball Run; Rose's Tribute Fund; the Clatterbridge Cancer Campaign AND buy some prints of some fabulous photos!

Better still; why not do all three!

COLCHESTER UNITED

2007-05-13T20:34:00.000+01:00

What an incredible day it's been today. A day filled with pride and deep emotion. A day of raindrops and tears. A day filled with the sunshine of smiles.

Leanne and I had booked a cab for 8.30am to take us to the station. When we woke up and saw the gloomy skies we were glad we had; we didn't want to be drenched before we even got to Colchester. We didn't bother with breakfast....Saturday's supper of Victorian Sponge filled with cherries had left us both full.

The taxi arrived on time; it was a Merc so we travelled in style.......

and were at the station in minutes................. for some reason the train from Marks Tey to Colchester had been cancelled and so part of the journey to Colchester had to be made on the Rail Relief Bus

THE JOURNEY

Kim and Steve kindly picked us up from Colchester Station and off we went to Colchester Park where the race was being run. As I looked around at all the people gathered there and read all the messages pinned to their t-shirts I couldn't help but shed a few tears.. So many women touched in some way by the evil curse of Cancer. Names of Grandparents, Parents, Children, Friends..........so many different relatives....some even "FOR EVERYBODY". Each woman (some elderly, some children) felt an universal bond as they prepared to run for their loved ones. Not even the rain could dampen their spirits as they (and people like me who came to support them) united in a single thought...................in praise and memory for those who are suffering, have suffered and one day may suffer from this terrible disease that destroys the lives of so many.

THE RACE

After many hugs of pride and tears Kim went off home to have a well earned rest. Leanne and I walked through the park to town; by now the effects of that Victoria Sponge had worn off and MacDonalds was calling! We popped into a couple of shops and then caught the bus to Leanne's. VIA THE PARK TO LEANNE'S

It's only the second time I've been to Leanne's home. The first time was near Christmas 2005; when, with Mick already in a wheelchair, Leanne arranged some very costly special transport so that we could visit her. Yes we shed a few tears at this memory.............

The grandchildren arrived home and Kirsty opened the birthday presents from myself and Manda and co. and all to soon it was time for me to leave. I'd booked a cab to get me to Colchester Station for the Rail Relief Bus back to Marks Tey...the taxi was rather late and I only just made it in time!...thanks to the driver cutting a few corners and maneuvering some interesting overtaking procedures.............

THE JOURNEY HOME

Now I know some of you who are reading this are also taking part in the Race For Life in your own parts of the country during the coming months. (Yes Julie I'm thinking especially of you). I want you to know how much it means to people like me who have seen their loved ones ravaged and destroyed by Cancer. They call it the RACE for life; but it isn't a race...whether you are first or last past the finishing line; whether you run or walk; there are no losers; you are all WINNERS in my eyes.

And to help you with your training here are a few clips of Kim doing her "WARM UPS" before the race.......

Well I'm worn out myself after doing this "marathon" post so apologies if I don't blogvisit you all this evening. I'll catch up with you tomorrow..........

SUNSHINE, SHOWERS & RAINBOWS

2007-05-12T20:20:00.000+01:00

It was lovely this morning when the mail dropped through the door and there was something besides bills there! Nice surprise #1 was another £25 donation in memory of Mick for the Clatterbridge Campaign; surprise #2 some beautiful prints from Talj of some of the flowers she had taken photos of during her stay. (You can see her photo album in the side bar of Me, My life, My Garden)
The weather has been sunshine and showers but I did get a chance to do some gardening and even had a short sit in my sun lounger. It's only the second time I've sat in it since Miri and Fran bought it for me. The sun soon gave way to heavy rain again...in fact just as Leanne arrived the heavens opened...a few minutes later and she would have been drenched walking from the bus stop.
It's Kirsty's birthday today and she and her siblings are with their Dad for tonight. Kirsty had a "girly Birthday sleepover party last night"

Leanne says the last she heard of them was 4.30am this morning...........I think I was just getting up then...LOL

We've had a good dinner; I popped to the market this morning and managed to get some Jersey Royals......Mick always loved it when the first Jersey Potatoes were in the shops...those with Spring Lamb Chops and minted garden peas were his favourite Spring dinner......sweet memories.

There was a beautiful rainbow tonight; it arced right across the sky; sadly with my camera I could only get part of it

I wonder if it's a good luck omen for England in the Eurovision Song Contest tonight.......yes we will be watching it.......but only if there's nothing better on the TV....lol. It's worth watching though just to hear Terry Wogan and his comments and predictions! He certainly is the Eurovision King!

Well that's about it....Leanne & I have a taxi booked to get us to the station tomorrow in time for the train to Colchester. I really hope the weather stays fine for Kim's Race For Life. After Leanne & I have eaten some of the Victoria Sponge I've made for us to nibble this evening I reckon we should be doing some running to burn off the calories!

HAD A SMASHING DAY!

2007-05-11T21:07:00.000+01:00

It's been another mixed day weatherwise so I've been sharing my time between Drawer/Cupboard/Boxes sorting (when it's raining) and Gardening (between showers). I was glad to get some of the boxes emptied; when Talj was here and Andi had his couple of night's stay his "bedside cabinet" was boxes full of "stuff". Most stuff falls into 3 categories; don't need, do need and memories. The "memories" takes the longest to sort out and are of course the most emotional. The "do needs" I have to find a place for and the "don't needs" are dumped. I came across a lot of old crockery (no value to collectors or I would have running to eBay).....odd cups and saucers....I had a SMASHING time turning them into crocks for my plant pots.

My next step will be to go through all the boxes in the garage and also to sort out Mick's clothes......that's not a job I'm looking forward to. It has been a bit like Christmas though; finding things that I haven't seen for almost 2 years. One thing I found (goodness knows where I got it from in the beginning) was a Crystal Growing Kit..............

you have to put the rocks in distilled white vinegar, keep them warm, be very patient and wait for them to grow. Well I just happened to have some vinegar left from when I made the pickled onions last year so I thought I'd give it a go. Once they grow (hopefully) I can add some food colouring and then have some MACRO fun with my camera.

Leanne is coming to stay tomorrow night and on Sunday we will travel together to watch Kim run her Race For Life. I had spent so much time trying to find some sort of transport to get me to Colchester before 9am........where I got 9am from I don't know (a senior moment I guess)...it seems the run doesn't start until 11am!.....much easier for travelling as although there are no buses on Sunday, with the departure time being that much later, we should have no problems getting a train.

Manda and Nicole dropped by after school had finished. Nicole is quite elated as she has just spent the whole week at school sitting her S.A.T.S. Fingers crossed she has done well; the school puts a lot of pressure on the children...telling them their future depends on it........to my mind it is an assessment of how well the teacher's are teaching but as the results determine a school's position in League Tables I think it's more a case of the future of the school depends on it!

I see Blogger has a scheduled ~~outrage~~ outage at 4pm PDT; I think that's about midnight my time but just in case I'm wrong I'll post this while I can.

P(ounding) C(ranium) Woe

2007-05-10T19:51:00.000+01:00

Do you know that bit in in the opening credits of CSI when a cleaver comes down and slices a head in two?....well that's what my head's been like today. No, it's not because I've been beating my head against a brick wall after speaking to AGENCIES; I don't waste my emotions on them! It probably hasn't helped much that I was up until gone 2am this morning trying to figure out why my PC kept closing down.....not going into hibernation or anything...just suddenly switching off. It means that anything I'm doing has to be continually saved just in case it switches off and I lose the lot. I think it's some sort of "Fail Safe" programme.....a power surge or someone nasty in cyberworld trying to do things that my PC doesn't like. In a way I guess I should be grateful...better safe than sorry...but it is a pain. Anyway because of this I'm keeping my posts short until I've sorted the problem out. There's not really much to report anyway.....except for my headache of course! I've been tagged a couple of times over on Me, My Life, My Garden....I like to get these done before I forget so my "PC time" will be spent on them (as long as my computer stays awake). The weather is pretty dismal; there are a few dry, bright spells but by the time you've noticed them and started to get on with something outside it changes again.........

Well so far so good......no switch off yet so I'll risk a photo or four......

when Talj was here she took some great photos of plants in our garden...one plant.....

photo by Talj

I had really wished was in flower as I know she would have taken some brilliant shots; well it's in flower now and so she can see what I meant here are a couple of shots I took.....(not brilliant but better than they would have been without her tuition)
Till tomorrow...as long as that Cyberdemon doesn't get me......................

THE CRYING DAME

2007-05-09T23:59:00.000+01:00

I do cry....in fact I'll go further than that..........I wail. I don't think depressing thoughts all the time; it wasn't OUR way. Even at the gloomiest of times we would always find something to bring a smile to our faces. Someone at Mick's funeral said "the nights when you go to bed will be worse"...not so for me...I go to bed and go to sleep no problem...no restless nights for me. It is during the day that I have my moments.....usually something happens that just triggers it off........a Lionel Richie song on the radio; a sudden memory; potting a particular plant; sometimes just a single word will start me off. That's the good thing about having time on my own....I can let go..... When other people are around it's "stiff upper lip" time...not because they wouldn't be sympathetic....it's because only one person could ever stop me crying...just a word or a hug from him and my troubles would disappear. When I cry on my own I hear those words in my head; I feel that hug in my heart and I get through it. When I'm on my own in the house I take Mick (ashes) with me; if I'm in the living room watching TV or on the computer he sits on the table; if I'm in the garden he sits in the garden; when I go to bed he sits on the bedside cabinet; when I'm cooking he sits in the kitchen. I know I won't be doing this for ever but for now it's a comfort to me to have something to touch, something to see. Of course I wouldn't do it with other people in the house, some may find it upsetting...I understand that....but it works for me. I guess feeling the way I do with all this deep heartrending grief is why; the idiots at some of the companies I contact don't upset me; silly anonymous comments don't upset me; complaining emails from people upset by my posts or comments don't upset me...these things don't seem to hurt me anymore....I'm hurting enough already to last me my lifetime.

On Sunday Leanne's friend,Kim, is doing the Race For Life in Colchester. Last year she raced for Mick and this year she is doing the same in his memory. As long as the trains run well I'm going to Colchester to support her...........this is a copy of her personal message on her Donation Page (click on the photo above of her message last year if you'd like to visit it)

Thank you for visiting my Race for Life fundraising page. Please dig deep and sponsor me online.Events like Race for Life are an important way in which Cancer Research UK is able to fund its life-saving work into preventing, diagnosing and treating cancer. By sponsoring me now you could help more people survive cancer.Donating through this site is simple, fast and totally secure. It is also the most efficient way to sponsor me - Cancer Research UK will receive your money faster and, if you are a UK taxpayer, an extra 28% in tax will be added to your gift at no cost to you.
This year is a very poignant year, I raced last year for my Uncle who sadly died of cancer and also for Mick who is the Step-dad of my best mate Leanne, very sadly Mick passed away this month so I would like to race this year for him. He put up a strong and dignified fight and was cared for by his very brave and strong wife Ruth to whom I will also race as she was Micks angel and there are many like her who really don't get the recognition they deserve.So please sponsor me now!Many thanks for your support.

Would you believe I've only ever met her once! What a kind, caring person she is and what a true friend she has been to Leanne. I really hope I do make it on Sunday; I could go over on Saturday and stay the night with Leanne but I'm just not ready to be away from home for a night yet.

It will also be Kirsty's 13th Birthday on Saturday; she is staying with her Dad on Saturday but on Sunday I would get to see her; that's another special reason to go.

I've had a lovely day in the garden today....catching up on the time I lost Tuesday because of the rain. Mick's special Rhododendron is really starting to bloom...he would be pleased that I've managed to master his Rhody TLC.............yes.......... more tears.

“There is a sacredness in tears.

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
~Washington Irving~

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

2007-05-09T21:34:00.000+01:00

Yesterday morning had been so stressful that I decided to go into town; if the weather had been better I would have spent the afternoon gardening but as I'd had a letter from the opticians saying that my new glasses were ready I thought I'd get out and about. It's been a long time since I actually had prescription glasses and I was looking forward to being able to see properly.

So here they are opps...a bit blurry that....I'd better put them on I think..............
that's better......now I'll be able to see all the spelking mishtakes I make........................

I had to smile when I was in town when I saw this.............................

last week our Local Elections took place.......do you know I never received one single canvasser at the door or any canvassing leaflets through the letter box. To be honest I didn't actually vote for the simple reason that I wouldn't have had a clue who I was voting for; I like to have some sort of idea in a local election of a candidate's manifesto. It must be the first time in my life I've never voted........I'm not a "political animal" but I always think that if one doesn't vote then one hasn't really got any right to complain................just my view on things..........

Standing at the bus stop on the way home was really boring.........there was hardly a soul around so no chance of people watching and our local bus service is so unreliable that you daren't wander off thinking you've time to spare as the buses seem to turn up in their own time, not timetable time.

The time passed so slowly that I ended up taking photographs just to wile away the time;

errrr.......SKY

Ummmmmm...................CRACK IN PAVEMENT

ahem.......................DYING GRASS IN PAVEMENT

bet you're glad that bus came before I took anymore of these ~~boring snaps~~ photographic works of art!

THE CIRCLE OF STRIFE!

2007-05-08T14:38:00.000+01:00

Thank goodness I had the last couple of days to rest and recuperate. Today has been an absolute nightmare as I continue my quest make companies understand that Mick has passed away and to reap what I am due from Government Agencies.

One credit card company has sent a letter to Mick thanking HIM for HIS letter informing them of HIS death and asking HIM to outline how HE intends to settle his account. Due to the situation over the past couple of years I've only been paying the minimum payments so they've had plenty of interest.....I am sorely tempted to ignore it...it's not addressed to ME is it?......maybe I should just leave them to get the money out of Mick!....(how he would laugh at this).

Then there's the Government Agencies.......I think I may be breaking a record for "hanging on the phone listening to incessant music"...........my longest stint so far 25 minutes before I actually got to speak to a human. I didn't know quite how to explain this next bit without it sounding too complicated so have turned it into a very messy flow chart

Don't worry if you can't manage to read it, it's not really worth the paper it's scribbled on; basically the Pensions Dept. says that Mick's death has been verified and that they have informed the Carer's Dept.; the Carer's Dept. says that Mick's death hasn't been verified and that the Pension's Dept. hasn't informed them. This means that although I'm entitled to £48 a week for 8 weeks (no begging letters please) I'm not actually getting the money.

BTW did any of you see the anonymous comment I got on my Ruth's Shoots blog on the 30th April..................

Anonymous said...

Hi Ruth! Ok, I'm not going to lie your website is pretty GAY! Sorry but you must have a LOT of time on your hands!

I WISH!

SOME TIME IN MY PLACE!

2007-05-07T17:08:00.000+01:00

It's rained all of the day today; this meant my "gardening hours" went out the window but I'm not complaining...the garden needs the rain so much. I found plenty of other things to do. I can now get to my freezer (it's situated in the box room) without clambering over "stuff" and can open it without moving "stuff". Much of said "stuff" is now either stored away (to be sorted on another rainy day) or THROWN!
Of course that didn't take ALL day....I did a bit of this...

and a bit of this.......................

and then I even did some of this..........................
Oh guess what the sun's just come out...so I get to do this afterall!!!

A TIME AND A PLACE

2007-05-06T17:46:00.000+01:00

The last month I've been running on sheer adrenalin; there have been so many things to do that couldn't wait and now the "can waits" are hovering between "ought to do" and "must do". I have a plan though! I can't get the house back to normal in one day so I'm going to take my time. Some things will never be the way they were....just the fact that during the course of the past 2 years I bought Mick's armchair and a computer means that two bookshelves now don't have a place in the living room. This means in turn that two bookshelves worth of books and ornaments haven't got a home. Some things may have to go....I'm not doing a "Life Laundry" there are too many memories that I need to cling on to but a lot of "stuff" is really just junk...it can go...in time.....

Until I've found a job (not looking yet) I want to try and split my day up a bit......

a few hours cleaning (yes even the cooker will get done at some point)

a few hours regaining the house

a few hours gardening (more if I can!)

a few hours on the computer (not just blogging....I've hundreds of photos to be named and filed)

a few hours bills and paperwork (yuk!)....including doing anything I can to help the Clatterbridge Campaign (not yuk!)

etc. etc.

At least a bit of everything will get done each day and along with the emotional and/or hard work I'll fit in a bit of pleasure time.

I made a start this morning. Do you remember I had demolished the two large wardrobes to make way for visitors beds resulting in my clothes (and Mick's) being in boxes for over a year; then the Friday before Talj came I bought some flat pack items which I put together.........well with Talj visiting I'd not actually got around to putting my clothes in them.......that's what I did this morning.

This afternoon I spent in the garden.....some actual gardening, some sitting, some photographing; I even had an afternoon doze!!! That'll come to a shock to the kids when they read this.......MUM having an afternoon doze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At the moment (as you can tell...lol) I'm on the computer...just for a while...then I'll make myself some dinner, watch some TV (so many things I've taped but not watched) and see how it goes from there.

Just for a while the big outside world can turn without my help......while I get my little world back on its axis.

RUNNING FOR HOME!

2007-05-05T19:17:00.000+01:00

Talj is home safe and sound. Andi turned up about 6pm last night and Manda and Nicole joined us for the farewell meal. I think I filled them up too much with the main course as there was still some of the chocolate dessert left for Manda to take over to Leanne's today (I don't think Manda was complaining!)

Andi had brought a couple of birthday presents for Talj and magnificent presents they were too!

One of those fancy photo frames that you can put your memory card in and programme to show a slide show of all of your photos

This one was a scanner; I know shell gets lots of use from this as she has some old family photos she wants to post on her blog.

Talj gave me a lovely Thank You card.......and said LOTS of nice things about me in it. After a night's sleep and a good breakfast it was time to load the car.

With all the presents she had received and the few bits and pieces

she had bought during the week (including Sudbury Sid the Gnome) there was hardly any room left in the car for plants; I did manage to squeeze two or three in though........and the good news is Mick's armchair and my Sun lounger are safe!!!!!

I had a surprise in my mail; a letter from America! I've been following Jenny's Triathlon training blog and photoblog for quite a while now and noticed she had a donation widget to raise money for a Care Car for her local community. I made a small donation and thought no more of it. How exciting to receive a thank you note!!! Coincidentally today she took part in the Sharon Classic and made it across the finishing line......you can read about it HERE.

WELL DONE JENNY!!!!

FRIDAY ALREADY??????

2007-05-04T15:44:00.000+01:00

Bit chilly today but that didn't deter "Talj The Intrepid" in her quest for the perfect photograph. After a hearty breakfast she sat in the garden snapping away to her hearts content. She was hoping for some birds to drop by but I think they must have had better things to do (well it is Spring...a young birds fancy turns to love!)..... because the garden has been a bit of a "bird free zone" today.

Manda popped in for lunch but even "T.the I." had to give in and come indoors where it was slightly warmer.
We did take a trip over to the shops though and then relaxed and watched an afternoon film (though Talj noticed some birds on the bird table and attempted to take photos through the window). Andi is arriving tonight and staying over; ready to take Talj home tomorrow....the week has really flown past and I'm sure we haven't talked about or done half of the things we intended to. One thing that has made me really happy is Talj eating so well; let's hope Andi enjoys his meal as much tonight! Manda and Nicole will be joining us (Chris is babysitting for Leanne so that she can have a girly night out for a change).....so with four of us about it should be a fun night as the food and wine flows freely.

Memo to self.........must keep my eye on Talj when she leaves and make sure that Mick's special armchair and my Sun Lounger have not been pilfered....LOL

I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

2007-05-04T06:02:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged by Blue the Spa Girl; she has been very patient waiting for these answers

1. One of your favorite dreams, that you can remember. What was it like?
I'm more inclined to remember my nightmares than my dreams. I did have one recurring dream when I was a teenager.....typical Mills and Boon stuff. I dreamt that I was a very young looking secret agent and had to go into a school undercover as a student of 16 in order to find out which of the teachers was head of a Drugs Cartel. In my dream the really dishy English teacher fancied me and I fancied him back. Of course nothing could happen because I was supposed to be a student and he was a teacher. In the end he LEFT the school as he could not bear to be near me without letting his passion loose!!! After I'd caught the Drugs Baron (don't ask me how!...in my dream that bit got left out) I was able to track him down; tell him the truth of my age and .....the next scenes have been censored by Blogger.
2. You are given a large blank canvas. What do you paint?

Ummmm...being no artist I'd probably have to transfer a "paint by numbers" scene on the canvas..a deserted tropical island I think....what fabulous plants I would find!
3. You can use one word to describe your essence. What is the one word?
One word!!!!........that's a tough one....."TRYING" (in the sense of hoping to achieve...not in the sense of a pain in the butt!!(I hope!)
4. I am giving you a plane ticket to anywhere in the world. Where are you flying? Who are you taking with you?
I'd have to sell it on eBay....I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than at home with loved ones.
5. What is your favourite song of all time. Why do you like it?
It has to be Lionel Richie's Hello....Mick and I fell in love to it......need I say more???.

NOW I HAVE TO THINK UP QUESTIONS FOR OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!....watch this space...it may take some time!!!!

CHEF'S ORDERS

2007-05-03T15:39:00.000+01:00

It's been much more overcast today and so Talj has been having some fun taking photos of our indoor plants.

I know now why I've no chance of taking the "perfect" shot...I'd never have the patience! At least indoors Talj didn't have to contend with the wind which for the last few days has been blowing each flower as she tried to focus in on it. She even set up my camera for me so that I could have a go and showed me how to zoom in further than I thought my camera could!

and despite feeling slightly more fragile today cooked Manda and I a wonderful lunch of stuffed mushrooms with a mixed green salad. After 4 days of eating my food she finally admitted today that she is a qualified CHEF!!!! NOW SHE TELLS ME!!!!! Thank goodness I didn't know before as I would never had the nerve to cook for her!

We also walked over to our local shops.........after the outing yesterday and a busy time today she actually heeded my words and had an afternoon doze.......leaving me with orders to try some close up shots of our carnivorous plants with my own camera....................mmmmmmmmmmm...well it could be worse I suppose; a shame I chopped off part of the plant!

the Venus Fly Trap's looking hungry...maybe I should have fed it some of the steak we had tonight....unfortunately for Venus we both left empty plates!and one last shot......part of the Amaryllis.

Well after those "close ups" I'm going to close up for another night..............................

BUSY BUSING

2007-05-02T20:41:00.000+01:00

Talj has now made a start on photographing the flowers in the front garden; goodness knows how many photographs she would take if it was the height of Summer when they are more than just a few flowers in bloom. It's exciting for me too seeing our plants and the insects in our garden in a whole new light. We decided, after lunch, to take a trip into town; Talj experienced the joys of Sudbury bus travelling with free tour guide (ME) as I pointed out places of ~~disinterest~~ interest. We made a few purchases; visiting Thing-me-bobs, Roys and Waitrose. We had a little "afternoon tea" in Waitrose; Cafe Latte and a Danish Pastry for me, Hot Chocolate and a Danish for Talj....they even gave us one of those "apres" mint chocolates!.....as I said to Talj "this is like having tea at Harrods around here!!!"....LOL

I cheekily snapped this photo of Talj waiting at the bus stop for the bus home

and I'm pleased to say that we and the shopping (which included a Garden Gnome!) arrived home safely..................
well except for one solitary egg!.......................and as I cooked dinner Talj relaxed in the garden catching up on some tasty recipes in my Easy Cook magazines..................
there will be no excuse for her not to cook for herself when she is home now!!!!

We are both pretty tired tonight and will be "chilling" in front of the TV. Talj has done really well; there was a lot of walking today and she coped with "Ne'er a complaint".

A "SPEC" DAY

2007-05-01T20:48:00.000+01:00

Today has been a very important and emotional day for me and the girls. Today Mick came home. After so many days of waiting I received the call from the Funeral Directors to say we could collect his ashes. It was poignant that today; the day he came home, that the first bloom started to open on his special Rhododendron. I won't say to any more...teardrops on keyboards aren't a good idea.

Today was a special day for Talj too as she celebrated her birthday. Although she was away from home the "Birthday Girl" received quite a few presents and cards as well as some cash ......

she is now the adoptive mother of Flipper the penquin...who lives in the Falklands;
she also received a "sloppy verse" Friend Cushion...(I wonder who that was from...LOL)
a Dragon Fly Solar light for her Balcony Garden

and a trio of pots to plant up her salad mixture in...... as well as cards!

Once again we've had a warm sunny day and Talj had lots of chances to take more of her wonderful photographs;

and she had plenty of Birthday hugs.....Leanne and Mel came over for the day; Manda popped in for lunch, as did my neighbour Sue......Unbeknown to Talj I'd made her a Birthday Cake........only ONE candle....it would have been bad manners to give away a lady's age!!!Manda dropped in again after work; followed closely by Nicole...........
All in all....a fairly busy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The girls all know now the "spec" gift that Talj had given me. Those of you who read my gardening blog know how much Mick and I admired Geoff Hamilton and how precious the few days we spent at Barnsdale Gardens were a few years ago. On Sunday Talj handed me a letter from herself telling me how she had been trying to think of something special that she could do for me...............

she then gave me a print out of an email from Sue (Geoff's widow) and Nick Hamilton (Geoff's son)..................to quote......

Dear Natalya
Sorry not to reply earlier but we have both been busy!
Firstly, we are sorry to hear of the passing of your special friend, Mick.
Both Sue and myself would be more than happy to have something planted at Barnsdale in memory of your friend and should you wish to have a plaque inscribed with your choiceof words to go alongside the plant that would be wonderful. we are pleased to hear that Mick managed to get to Barnsdale and hope that their rose does not grow as strongly as ours - 2 years ago it reached 7ft!
Let us know what ideas you have re a plant or tree and we can take it from there.
Don't worry if we don't reply immediately as it is now show season and we might not get to the computer every day!
Best Wishes
Nick & Sue
Barnsdale Gardens

Needless to say my tears flowed at such a precious gift.....I know how proud Mick would be to think that Geoff's wife and son would allow him the honour of being remembered in Geoff's Garden.

UPDATE: In the post today I received a further £50 for Rose's Tribute Fund. That brings the total raised so far following Mick's funeral to £455!

IT'S SOMEONES BIRTHDAY!

2007-05-01T07:47:00.000+01:00

SUN... DAY...MONDAY

2007-04-30T17:41:00.001+01:00

I received a lovely email today from the Clatterbridge Cancer Camapign...as I said in a previous post Mick's requested no flowers at his funeral.....it always saddened him that so much money was spent on flowers that would soon fade and die.....he would rather people gave money to a charity or even just had a good p*** up in his memory. The girls and I all felt the same way that if anyone wanted to donate that the money should go to the Rose's Tribute Fund. This is the letter I received;

Dear Ruth,
Thank you very much indeed for the donations totalling £405.00, given in memory of your late husband, Mick, we really appreciate your support. It was very kind of you to think of us at this difficult and sad time for you. Please pass on out thanks to your family and friends who contributed to this gift in Mick’s memory.
We are very fortunate to have many dedicated fundraisers. Local support and generosity from organisations and individuals such as you ensure that essential work and improvements at the hospital continues as fundraising efforts make considerable advances to the facilities we are able to offer our patients here.
On behalf of everyone at Clatterbridge Centre for Oncology and Clatterbridge Cancer Research Trust, I would like to thank you for your support. Hopefully your encouragement will continue and help us maintain our essential work.
Yours sincerely
Susan Higham
Clatterbridge Cancer Campaign

I know there is a little more yet to come in and so the final figure will be nearer £450.00.

We've had another fantastic day. Talj ate a good breakfast; double scrambled eggs and bacon on toast........................ we then had a walk over to our local shops and spent much of the afternoon in the garden. The weather is being really kind to us, warm, blue skiea and sunshine all day; and Talj seems to quite like my new lounger......Hmmm...glad Andi wouldn't be able to get it in his car or I may find it missing by Sunday!!!...LOL

She's been taking some wonderful "close-up" shots of many of the flowers and I've seen plants in a totally new light.

No Talj's not playing peek-a-boo...she slapping on the suncream......that's Appletiser in that glass....honest Andi!!!!! Manda popped in during her lunch hour and joined us for a cream tea (or should I say cream lunch!....homemade fruit scones with summer fruits and whipped cream).......and believe it or not she still managed to eat all her dinner. We've not had dessert yet but I'm sure the Rhubarb Pie will have gone down before the evenings over!

THE SUNDAY POST

2007-04-29T20:38:00.000+01:00

I don't know if it's the effect of having "proper" photographers around with "massive, complicated" cameras or whether it's just that I'm having such a great time but I've hardly taken any photos! This will probably please the family as they know that as soon as they see me with camera in hand that I'm having a "Blog Moment" and try to make sure they are doing nothing embarrassing!!!! I did manage a snap of Leanne trying on Talj's "boot"...she says it's really heavy and difficult to balance in!
This one is last night after dinner (and a few wines)......(OK AND a few brandy and cokes!!!), as we adjourned to the garden. Dinner went down well; I was really pleased that Talj managed to eat as much as she did. Her appetite has been quite poor...very worrying. I think the Suffolk air must be helping though as it was she who instigated the serving of Apple Pie for dessert!

This morning after a spin in Andi's FAB car; roof open, wind in my hair; smile on my face...... I cooked an English Brunch; Talj ate egg, bacon, beans, sausage, fried bread and toast! Andi (mushrooms as well on his) seemed happy too as I cleared away their two totally empty plates; he reckons it's the best B&B in town!.....LOL

Andi had to go home for the week but has promised to return on Friday; he left Talj and I with a gift; a box of chocolates each...

ROSE'S HEROES

Speaking of gifts.......look what I've been given by Talj.........................let me introduce

JESSIE THE TRIPOD

David Bailey watch out!!!...........................no more shaky hand problems for me!!!!

I also received something else VERY, VERY SPECIAL but I won't say any more about it yet. Lynn knows but I want to also tell Manda and Leanne in person....it's something really "spec" to me.

Talj has done really well getting up and downstairs to the bathroom......never a complaint although I know how difficult it must be for her. I've allowed her temporary possession of Mick's chair for the duration of her visit....would you believe she's now just eaten Jam Roly Poly and cream!!!

I hope you are still all checking out the Online Print Shop and the Online Auction Site

ALL'S WELL

2007-04-28T23:42:00.000+01:00

Very quick post tonight...just to let you all know that Talj and Andrew arived safe and sound. Great company, great weather, and (hopefully) great food (well they almost ate it all).

WORDS OF PRAISE

2007-04-27T08:50:00.000+01:00

I always like to be fair; I had a fair few moans lately and it's time I started dishing out some praise. It's been a difficult time lately and some people haven't made matters any easier for me but some have helped to make the bad times better.

First there are all of you who help me so much with your comments and emails. I was so glad that Jo heeded my words and mentioned you in the "Welcome" on Wednesday.....(see below)

Welcome and Opening Words
On behalf of Ruth and her family, I thank you for being here today for this ceremony to celebrate the life of her beloved husband, Michael Jenner, better known to you all as Mick. The family are very grateful to you all for being here to support them and they also remember those friends and family who would have liked to join us, but are not able to be here, particularly all the people on Ruth's blog who have supported her and Mick over the last months.

Then there is Jo herself. She is so friendly and immediately puts one at ease even during the most difficult of situations. In the few emails that we have exchanged she has always been so caring and considerate. What a fabulous lady. What a wonderful service. Nicole was so taken by her and the way she conducted herself that after the funeral she went and spoke to her; asking her about her "job" and expressing a desire to do the same herself when she is older. Jo's email response: I had a lovely chat with Nicole. When she gets to the point of making decisions about her life, if she is still interested in the work I do, I would seriously be more than happy to talk to her. As I said to her on Wednesday, she is unlikely to find much career guidance on this job!!
How lovely and very unusual to find such a young person interested in, or even aware of, such a job.

Jo had promised me the full transcript of the service and incredibly ( I think she must have influence over the Royal Mail!) it arrived in my mail on Thursday!! Even the bill was in a sealed envelope marked "When you are ready" a lovely touch. I've typed up Mick's Tribute from the service and posted it on my WORDS FOR MICK blog for anyone who would like to read it. Just click HERE.

My next words of praise go to the Co-op Funeral Directors in Sudbury. From the moment they came to "collect" Mick to the moment they left us after the journey home from his funeral....every member of staff has been kind, courteous and empathetic. Do you remember my post about when I received a phone call from the Funeral Directors who were worried about how to get Mick's shirt on him as his arms were so clenched.....and the lady who phoned said "We don't want to hurt him"........

**********************************

Now to my day.......I had an appointment at the opticians this morning. It was my first journey alone. It was horrible....I sat right at the back of the bus, as far away from the wheelchair friendly area as possible....too many memories there. It has been a few years since I went to the opticians....my prescription glasses broke about 14 months ago and I've been making do with off the shelf magnifying glasses. Well no wonder I've had difficulty seeing properly. It seems not only do I have some scarring on my right eye (I don't know how) but also my eye strength has changed considerably. I hadn't realised how poor the sight in my right eye had become until the optician asked me to read the top line of their chart with just one eye. It was just one big blur!!!

I also went to Argos and bought a new wardrobe and shelf set...one of those flat pack canvas ones. Because so much of the downstairs furniture and knick knacks had to go upstairs over the last couple of years, and I still needed room for beds for visitors, I had dismantled our 2 large wardrobes. I now need something to put my clothes in..they have been living in plastic crates! The box was so large I had to phone for a cab...no way would I get this on a bus!The cab driver lives near us and asked me how Mick was doing...I had to tell him...I expect that will happen a lot..................

The box had these "words of dread" written on them.........can you imagine trying to repack something .....................

that has TEN pages of instructions!!!!!........................but they were very easy to follow..........................at least that's what the manufacturer's reckon!It's all done now though...just got to put the clothes in them now!!!

Now I mustn't stay up too late tonight...tomorrow is a special day...my "SPEC" blogfriend Talj is coming to stay. She is travelling to Norfolk and then "SPEC" Andi is bringing her the rest of the way. Andi is staying tomorrow night too; and Leanne is coming over to meet them both. She missed out last time and is really looking forward to it. It's going to be FUN!!!!

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!

2007-04-26T20:15:00.000+01:00

I'M A LIAR...did you know that?????.......No??????....well neither did I until I was informed of the fact this afternoon. Admittedly I called the person who called me a liar, one too.......did that sentence make sense? It was a sort of "tit for tat" liar calling session. So who do you believe????.........you could be swayed a little when I tell you that the person who called me a liar was my doctor....a highly respected member of the medical profession (cough cough)...well how could you doubt him! OK so it's the same doctor who totally ignored Mick's symptoms putting them down to headaches and an ear infection.......and he is a member of the same surgery who for 6 months some years ago gave Mick Colefac for the pain in his stomach....that was until Mick's bowel actually burst from the cancerous growth in it resulting in peritonitis and near loss of life (Mick had part of his bowel rebuilt). Yes I know it's the first time you've heard about that.....just another of the Million Stories in MY particular naked city!!!!

But I digress.........let me just precis the happenings of this afternoon.

There was a knock on my door; the doctor was there. "Yes can I help you" I say. He wants to come in. "Errr, why? Mr Jenner is dead now" I say. He insists he wants to come in to speak to me (may I point out that I am now a woman living on her own and I had neither requested to see the doctor or been informed that he wished to visit). I insist that I don't particularly want to speak to him....why would I want to speak to a doctor of a surgery who....(see all that first bit above). He tells me none of that happened. He says as soon as he saw Mick "things" were put into motion. He says I'm a liar.

(me shouting now)......"You're the liar! If it hadn't been for a locum who immediately saw how ill Mick was we may never have even seen a specialist!"

He tells me I'm just angry. Yes I'll hold my hands up to that...I am ******* ANGRY!

He wants to come in. I express (quite loudly) my surprise that he wants to come in; he didn't seem to want to when he had a patient here!.... in fact none of the medical profession seemed to want to.....in fact none of the medical profession (doctors or nurses) had touched Mick since he came out of hospital in 2005.....I ask him to go (loudly but politely) and shut the door.

More knocking on the door....guess who???.........you've got it in one. He informs me I'm angry and a liar. I inform him I have the District Nurses notes upstairs as proof; they sign them when they visit (if they visit) and (more loudly and less politely) ask him to go.

Sometime later there was a message on my phone...it was the Hospice worker..wondering how the funeral went!!!!!

What is going on with the medical profession in England? They can almost totally ignore a dying man........until of course he's dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a lighter note I forgot to mention one of the things that we had planned yesterday. We bought some "Bubbles" and Manda labelled and decorated the packs for the grandchildren to blow when they got home, for their Grandad. It was a lovely touch...there are some left...I may have a bubble blowing session myself some time....it may be good for my blood pressure.

I was given a present today too..........Mirry and Fran had seen on my blog that my garden lounger was old and had no proper cushion and look what they went and bought me before they went home!!!

Another photo from a different angle; just in case you don't believe me ......after all I have it on good medical authority that I'm a liar!

Note and apology: Manda has just reminded she did witness the doctor touch Mick once;...... he lifted one of Mick's eyelids up.

IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES

2007-04-26T06:59:00.000+01:00

I have been overwhelmed by the emails and comments I've received for yesterday. Time is against me; I wish I could personally thank you all. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life yet was the best day I could have hoped for; I admit that my head pounded and my legs were like jelly; I was sure that they would give way as I followed Mick down the aisle. He was carried by Chris, Steve M, Steve J, Rob and Ron...the sixth bearer being one of the funeral directors. I was so proud of them all and it gave my legs strength. The weather was glorious and almost all of the congregation had heeded my plea that bright colours (like flowers in a garden) should be worn. I myself wore a red dress that Mick so loved me in. I was married in red and it seemed right that I wore red yesterday too. I placed a single Camellia from our garden on Mick's casket and placed a final kiss there too.

Jo greeted us all and Phil and Mel were so brave (being "first up") as they lit the candle of Remembrance. Kirsty read her poem; in fact she and Nicole had decided to read it together; each one reading a verse at a time. I was so proud as I know their Grandad was; they are only 12 and 13...so brave, so courageous. Lynn, Leanne, Manda and Chris all read their poems and words.....each one filled with emotion and tears....but none of them allowed Jo to "step in" and take over. Each of them made it through.......I'm so proud and I know their Dad was.

The tribute that Jo had written was perfect; I was so proud; I know Mick was too. The worst moment was as the curtains closed as the strains of Old and Wise faded. I know Mick will always be with me in my heart and his memory will live on in the hearts of so many....but the closing of the curtains seemed so "final".

Following this, Jo thanked all who had attended and gave special thanks to all my blogfriends who though unable to attend had given me so much support and strength...(you were all with me, more than you will ever realise) she then read some words that she had found, I felt she had picked them especially, they seemed so right for Mick (she says she will send me a copy). As she said the final words she looked straight at me and I mouthed a silent thank you to her.

The last music to be played was "The only way is up"....and yes, when it came to the time time in the song..........we who knew sang out loud and clear "BATSUMA"......(we had to explain afterwards to other members of the family afterwards what it was all about).

There was not a single hitch during the whole service...even the music played perfectly....as I relistened to the words of them all I knew that I had chosen them well.

Almost all of the family and friends came back to the house; the sun was still shining and the "party" spilled over to the green area at the front of the house!!!

The collage, photo album, sympathy cards, emails/comments from blogfirends and the booklet that Denise had made were looked at by all. The buffet was tucked into and there was a lot of (sensible) drinking done. Lots of laughter!!!!!

Time to eat

Fred amusing Sue and Fran with tales of yore!

The party spills out to the green

Ahhhhhhhh

Me caught posing!

Mirry, Fran and Manda catching up on old times( this one taken on Tuesday)

WORDS FOR MICK

2007-04-25T00:30:00.000+01:00

I've wanted to find a way of posting the booklet that Denise and some of my blogfriends compiled. This is the best I can do and in no way compares to the real thing. It is fitting that today should be the day to post it...the support of all my blogfriends since October 2006 has meant so much to me. I have also posted the order of service which will start at 2pm .....it is my way of having you all there beside me. Click on the photo below to view.

WORDS FOR RUTH

2007-04-24T07:14:00.000+01:00

It's going to be a busy day and so I may not have time to do a proper post..so in true TV chef manner here is one I prepared earlier. It's taken from a Birthday card sent to me by Sheila and I'd like to share it with you. It is also the birthday today of Libby's Mum....so a good day to print a birthday card verse.

We are all born to a world of change
Though we may never know why.
We grow and learn, despair, rejoice,
Wonder and laugh and cry....
And the days fly by.

And some look back with little more
Than regret and a wistful sigh
Or worry their way toward the future
Or do their best to deny
That the days fly by.

Each moment in time is a gift that comes
And goes in the blink of an eye.
We question, as always, the meaning of
life,
And "to live" is the only reply.

So I celebrate you in the
here and now-
May you live as well as life will allow,
And may your spirits be ever high
So they, too, fly.......
As the days fly by.

MICK AND I...OUR FIRST PHOTO AS A COUPLE...JULY 1989

IT'S TUESDAY TOMORROW!

2007-04-23T19:24:00.000+01:00

It's been a long, long time since I've done this;but this morning I treated myself to a cuppa in bed. Wednesday is looming too quickly now; what seemed like an age away is almost here. I'm having a bit of a mental block about days of the week. An example; On Tuesday Mirry and Fran arrive (they are booked into a B&B); On Tuesday Lynn and Steve come, staying here Tuesday and Wednesday night; Tuesday is my last chance to make sure everything is ready for Wednesday.................in my mind these three Tuesdays had been like separate days................this afternoon it suddenly hit me that not only are these three Tuesdays the SAME DAY....but also it is TOMORROW!!!........Wednesday is too close for comfort...................I won't think about it yet......I'll get back to today.
Leanne came over this morning with Melissa (a sneaky day off school). Chris stayed with Mel while Leanne and I went to see Mick. It was the first time we had seen him in his suit and in his casket. He looked so handsome but somehow I preferred it when he was on a trolley. It was more like he was just laying on a bed.......seeing him in the casket really hurt...oh how it hurt.....

Leanne and I both left the items that we were leaving with Mick for him to take with him on Wednesday. They were personal letters and photographs and of course these; Mick loved growing vegetables; we dreamt of a garden large enough for him to have a huge vegetable patch. His favourite veg were runner beans; highly productive in a small area...I couldn't let him go without any seed.

We were back home by 2.30 and Chris as well as acting as child sitter had washed up, emptied the bins AND vacuumed (Hurrah for Chris!).........he also answered the door to.......the DOCTOR! Chris said he had difficulty understanding him but gathered he had popped by to see if I needed bereavement counselling and asked when the funeral was. I must admit I was peeved to think that he would turn up with no pre-phone call....not knowing when the funeral was he could have arrived at a very inappropriate time!

Tracey, our hairdresser, has just left. Manda had a trim too......oh! I should have taken a photo....Manda NEVER has her hair cut and is inclined to usually ~~chop~~ cut it herself. I'm glad she was here; it seemed strange having Tracey here and Mick not having his hair cut too.

I've received a few more lovely emails from some of my blogfriends who due to the Easter Holidays had not visited until now and didn't know of Mick's passing. I also received a lovely card from a family who we don't know particularly well..it was a beautiful handcrafted one...I didn't even know the wife made them. I was so moved by the card....especially as even our immediate next door neighbour has sent no word or card of condolence...yet Mick had known him for 20 years.

There was also a knock on the door this afternoon. I opened it and an elderly gentleman in obvious poor health was standing there. He had read Mick's Obituary Notice in the local newspaper and had come to pay his respects and bring a card. It seems he worked with Mick as a painter and decorator years and years ago!!! It was lovely to hear his praise for Mick and his admiration for him both as a man and as a fellow workmate. He asked when the funeral was and he intends to come. He is unable to drive himself due to his own disabilities so I'm going to make sure there is a space for him in one of the cars.

Well that's all for now. Also in the post has been more paperwork for me to do but I think it will have to wait until after Wednesday. The next few days are going to be busy and fraught. I really hope I get time to do my blog...it's like a diary to me......I definitely won't have time to do a lot of blog commenting.....though I shall be on the "lurk" late at night!

I saw this quote some time ago, I don't know who wrote IT; but I think it's very apt....

“A blog is an ideal way of doing a brain dump on a daily basis of what is going on right now, the weird, the exciting and the awful things ... I also wanted to have a record for myself, just for posterity.”

MY "ME" DAY

2007-04-23T00:20:00.000+01:00

Something that I'd forgotten to mention previously was about the Tena Incontinence pads that Mick used. In the garage and upstairs in the garage I had about 6 HUGE boxes left...all boxed up and not unwrapped or anything. When Lynn phoned the delivery company to cancel the order she asked if they could pick up all the unused, unopened packets. It seems it's not financially viable for the company to collect them and said to just dump them! I couldn't believe it...when I think back to the fight I had to get Mick placed on the incontinence register....there must be other people out there who would love to have them. What a waste!!! I couldn't bring myself to just dump them so we've trying to find a home or charity who may be able to make use of them. The Red Cross across the road from us said they couldn't take them and it was starting to look as though dumped they would be. Luckily Lynn's mum-in-law has found someone who wants them so Lynn loaded them into her car yesterday and took them with her. It's surprising how much more space I have in the garage and house now.

I was up until 3am last night/Sunday morning scanning photos to make up a slide show of Mick photos for my computer...we want to have that running when we get back to the house on Wednesday. There are a lot of fun memories in those photos! I had company though,(ARACHNOPHOBICS TURN AWAY NOW!) this little fellow stayed with me the whole time!

It may have been a late night but this morning when I felt the sun shining through the bedroom window I was up like the proverbial lark and out into the garden by 7am. Feeling a bit tired tonight but in a nice way...afraid I won't be doing a blogaround though...my bed is calling!
I had a grand potter; chatted to Mick endlessly, listened to the Radio Kent gardening programme, mulled over a few things I want to sort out, talked over a few ideas. I really want to print out in a commemorative blog the comments and emails that I've received. There's no problems with publishing the comments..they are open to public view anyway in my comment box but the booklet that Denise made and the emails I want to ask the writers permission...I may need to leave out some of their own personal stuff that they've confided to me. It's a project in hand....well actually some of it I've made a start on...I just need to contact a few people first before I make it public.

Back to today.......in between pottering I had plenty of rest...my old sun lounger came out of the garage, the cushion was thrown away a long time ago but I folded an old double duvet and it's more comfortable than it was before...................

in fact it was so comfortable that part way through reading this.....I fell asleep!!!!!.......Mick was always the afternoon dozer not me!!!.......

Mauigirl remarked in my comment box yesterday that she feels closer to her father now than she did during the last year of his life when he was not himself anymore; I can relate to that. Today I have felt REALLY close to Mick...the Real Mick....not the Ill Mick.....it's been a good day with no distractions...I just did what "I" wanted to do.
It was funny because when I finally came back indoors I put the radio on again; what should be playing but another of Mick's "make up your own words" songs. I'm not sure if I've had occasion to tell you about this one before. I know I've mentioned "I believe in miracles, where's your bra you sexy thing" and "The only way is up, BATSUMA!"....this was one I hadn't thought about for a while...........

Actual Lyrics: No I can't forget this evening or your face as you were leaving
Mick Lyrics: Oh I can't forget that ceiling that I painted in Darjeeling

It certainly was a fitting end to my gardening day.

This evening, Jo, who is taking Mick's service phoned and emailed over the Tribute that she has written. She has done so well; she really listened to everything that Manda and I had told her. I only had to ask her to change a couple of words. It must be so hard to encapsulate someones whole life in just a few paragraphs but she has done really well.

Just realised it's well past midnight which means all those today's I've mentioned were now actually yesterday (Sunday)..........it also means it's St George's Day...so flying the flag!

2007-04-22T10:20:00.000+01:00

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE
RUNNING THE LONDON MARATHON TODAY

CHEATING!

2007-04-21T19:34:00.000+01:00

Had a busy morning today I went out for the longest time yet without Mick. I won't pretend it was easy; my legs were like jelly and as we entered the shops that previously I been in with Mick waves of emotion came over me and tears pricked my eyes. I had to do it though and I had Lynn, Manda, Chris and Nicole to support me. The reason for the shopping trip was to buy food for Wednesday. We aren't having one of those "pub dos".......at home and in the garden is where we all feel Mick's presence the most and that's where we want to be. Although I enjoy cooking I'm cheating and have bought in quiches, continental and British cold meats and even shop bought desserts! Manda is making one of her pasta salads and cooking sausage rolls (the kids love them) and on Tuesday we will get some nice breads and salad and it will be a "help yourself" buffet. Some wine and beers, lots of music and (hopefully) plenty of laughs....just as Mick would have wanted it.

The boot of Lynn's car was bursting with goodies......and now so are my fridge and freezer. When we arrived home I saw that one of our neighbours was busy in his garden and continuing to put up his new fence. I could do with a new one myself...maybe he could give me a hand....oh no that would be unfair...I forgot about his disability for a moment..the one that means he can't get about and has to have a free car etc off of the government.

I also cheated with lunch.......while we were in Tesco's we got some of these......and very yummy they were too!

Everyone had gone home by 4pm and I had an hour or two in the garden....planning for tomorrow. I'm having a door staying locked, phone calls vetted day.....a ME day! I'm going to spend all day in the garden (please let the weather hold) and catch up with all the potting up that needs so desperately doing..........so if you're in the neighbourhood tomorrow and hear a voice chattering away, relaying everything she's doing.....it's just me chatting to Mick as I potter. I must remember to tell him the first Clematis Montana flower is open...we always used to have a bet as to which bud would open first each year...........I won't cheat...I'll admit I was wrong this year.

WHATEVER DAY IT IS...THIS IS THE POST

2007-04-20T21:32:00.000+01:00

At last that long list of things to do and people to inform has been done! As I finally came off the phone after the last phone call....15 minutes of hang on time.....I let out a whoop of delight. I've done all I can do for the moment....it's just a case now of waiting for replies and the inevitable form filling that will follow. If I could lay on a postal strike....just to our house.... it would give me some respite.

I had two wonderful surprises today...first of all the phone rang and it was Libby! It's the first time we had spoken to each other over the phone and she sounds as good as she writes. we chatted for quite a while abut this and that and (of course) gardening. The reason for her phoning...to say how sorry she was that she wouldn't be able to be with us on Wednesday! As I said to her...the fact that she wanted to means the world to me. Surprise number two came when the post was delivered...I received a lovely birthday card from Sheila...the words on it were so perfect and when I have more time I will print them as a sidebar addition on my Photo A Day blog.

Now before I go any further I must tell you about last night....while I was having my bath that wretched corner unit in the bathroom fell down on me again.

Knowing what a ****** it is to get up again I thought I'd leave fixing it until today. Well when I'd finished with all that paperwork etc I remembered I had to fix it but thought ...the sun's shining...it can wait till later..and off I went to the garden. I started to do some potting up and needed to go to the garage for another bag of compost....as I walked through the kitchen I heard the DJ on the radio say it was Friday. Friday??? I thought...what's he on about?...it's Thursday................the light dawned...it IS FRIDAY and in a couple of hours Lynn would be here! and I'd got a bathroom that looked like a bomb site! I really don't know where the week has gone..it's one long blur.......................

We all had a lovely Chilli Fest this evening courtesy of Chris...no photos...it didn't last long enough!...and then we (Lynn, Manda, Chris, Nicole and myself) have spent a few hours going through endless photos trying to choose some for the collage we are doing of Mick for Wednesday. there were so many photos to choose from...it was a hard choice to make...I think we've managed to encapsulate the essence of Mick though.

I must ask Talj and Andrew if they can take a photograph of it so I can print some copies for the girls to keep. I find it difficult to photograph pictures with glass in...to many reflections and flash images.

As a reward for our hard work we treated ourselves to Profiteroles for supper....I had a pack of plain ones but also some Baileys flavoured ones....they were scrummy.

Well that's about it for today...memo to self ....tomorrow is Saturday!...if you have a chance this weekend pop over and have a look at the online shop and the online auction.

TRIP IN THE LIGHT ...FANTASIC

2007-04-19T20:40:00.000+01:00

Phew...aching a bit tonight. Not feeling unwell aching...just hard work aching. I spent much of this morning trying to sort out the bedrooms AGAIN!!! I know the other week I had a room all ready for Talj's visit but I didn't know then that I'd have family sleeping over before she came. Also as I've now taken up residence again in Mick's and my bedroom...sleepover space is difficult to find....and I'm not giving up our bedroom now!!! Not that the girls would even allow me too...they know how important it is to me; how close I feel to Mick there. It does mean though that on Wednesday some of the family will have to sleep downstairs. Manda is having 2 sleepers at her house so that just leaves 5 (plus me) at ours. Anyway that explains why I'm aching....all those spare beds Manda and I took out of Talj's room have now had to be put back in. But I managed it. Of course next Thursday they'll have to come out again before the weekend.....memo to self; when job hunting look into employment as a furniture remover...LOL

Leanne came over late morning...she has been granted some compassionate time off work...she travelled by bus this time......and text me to say she would be reaching Farm Foods at about 10.30. I decided to walk down and meet her. My one failing at the moment is leaving the house. In fact I've never been to Farm Foods without Mick...even when he was well. I know I've got to cope with outings on my own but I feel so lost without him with me....yet I feel fine in the house or the garden. I managed the walk down; Leanne's bus had already arrived and she was already on her way up the hill to meet me. I was puffing and panting with the DOWNhill walk; yet only a few weeks ago I could push Mick UPhill with little problem. Halfway down I realised I was even taking the slightly longer wheelchair friendly route...going slightly out of my way to find the slopes in the pavement! I made it though and Leanne and I even went shopping in Farm Foods itself. It seemed strange walking past all the things I would get for Mick as a treat and not buying them.

I had a couple of LOVELY items in the post today. The Memorial Cards that Denise has made arrived...and...excitingly...I received a letter and some beautiful photographs from my dear Blogfriend Sx who lives in Portugal. It was quite surreal to actually handle photographs that he had taken (not downloaded ones from an email) and to read words that he had actually written with his own hand......not typed. Sx has been a blogfriend of mine since the very early days of my blogging....he has in his life been through a similar situation as mine (as I have found out lately ...... many of you have) and has always seen beneath the words I write.

After lunch (Manda joined us during her lunch hour) Leanne and I set to installing some garden lights that I bought quite a while ago. Mick and I had always had a "things to do" and "places to go" list......having more lighting in the garden was one of the "things to do". The lights I had bought weren't solar lights and to install them involved drilling through the metal base of the kitchen window so we could thread the cable through to the electricity point. It's been so long since any DIY tools have been used that I had to almost clear out the whole of the understairs cupboard to find them. There was then a lot of clambering and stretching involved to position the lights. We did the job though and as Mick would have said "It was a good job jobbed"....though Leanne did stay an hour longer than she had intended but thankfully (as she was travelling by bus) her journey home was a lot quicker than it had been on Tuesday.

Well it's starting to get dark now so I'm off to have a sit in the garden and admire the new lighting......then maybe a hot bath and an early night are in order.

I know what you're thinking...what NO PHOTO.....OK then but I warn you trying to take night photos is not my forte.......

10 WAYS TO BEAT THE AFTER RANT BLUES

2007-04-18T22:26:00.000+01:00

See your daughter's face when she receives a bouquet from the school where she works

Receive a beautiful bouquet yourself from Talj and Andrew

Receive a cheer up phone call from Talj

Have Chris turn up with a surprise treat for my lunch "to cheer me up"

Receive a cheer up phone call from Denise

Receive a phone call from the Funeral Directors who are worried about how to get Mick's shirt on him as his arms are so clenched.....in the lady who phoned words "We don't want to hurt him"........what a lovely thing to say.

Read all the supportive comments in your comment box

Watch a beautiful sunset

Chill out for a few hours in front of he TV.

Slowly sip a glass of Amarula

TIME FOR A RANT

2007-04-18T09:56:00.001+01:00

Gotta get this off of my chest before I explode. This morning I thought I'd type a few letter and make a few calls to credit card companies etc. Everything was going fine until I tried to cancel Mick's Burton's store card. Mick doesn't owe anything on it at all; but I thought that it may be a good idea to let the finance company that deals with the Burton's card know...just to prevent any concerns about identity theft and also to save me receiving any mail for Mick from them in the future. After 3 minutes of button pushing and 5 minutes of ear deafening music (with the odd voice interjection informing me they were busy) I finally got to speak to what I thought was a human being. It was obvious that the speaker was American by his accent (the following no way reflects on ALL Americans...we have plenty of morons like this in the UK).....I explained the situation, gave account details, explained that although Mick owed no money I was informing them for security's sake etc etc.............................I was informed that it was not in order for me to phone them ...only Mr Jenner could phone them.....thinking he had misheard my information I repeated my explanation that Mr Jenner had passed away on 6th April...still no joy....he had to speak to Mr Jenner........I then tried changing my wording..may be to an American the words "passed away" don't convey death.........I (still trying to remain calm) informed him that Mr Jenner was dead.........still no joy........I then got to shouting mode!!!!.....I shouted at the top of my voice "MR JENNER IS DEAD!".....no joy...he told me he had to speak to Mr Jenner as I had no authorisation to speak on his behalf.........I then screamed at the top of my voice "MR JENNER IS DEAD...D-E-A-D....AS IN DECEASED...D-E-C-E-A-S-E-D!!!" Still this moronic tw*t of a person insisted on speaking to Mr Jenner. I made a suggestion....would he like to take my phone number...give it to his credit control department...and maybe ask them to PHONE MR JENNER ABOUT HIS ACCOUNT......this seemed to pacify him...he took my number and said someone will phone Mr Jenner in the next few days. Hopefully when someone does phone they may have a modicum of common sense.

Rant over......I feel better now.....especially as when I was typing that last sentence the beautiful flowers were delivered from Talj and Andi. As always something nice just when I need it most. I don't think I can handle making anymore phone calls for a while......I think I'll spend a bit of time in the garden before I continue with the arduous task.

MICK'S-ED EMOTIONS

2007-04-17T20:21:00.000+01:00

The chaps came and took all the equipment and the bed away today...I felt a little tearful but reminded myself that they were taking away memories of the "Ill Mick" not my "Real Mick". The living room looked huge with the bed gone and Manda and I set about moving my "office" area to nearer the window. She and Chris had bought me two presents that came in very handy...

and the area was soon looking like home.As you can see I received lots of cards...some were from blogfriends!..and I've been "tipped the wink" that more may be on their way!!!!!

My friend, Sue, bought me a lovely mug...I'll use it when she pops over for a cuppaand Leanne and co bought me a pair of "stone" solar lights; they will look lovely by the pond.

Ron (Mick's brother) and Brenda (his wife) arrived about noon; had some lunch; listened to my tales of my blog friends and looked at the booklet Denise and friends had made and then at 2pm we went to see Mick. I went in last...I like to be the last to see him....and did find it difficult to leave him again. I took in the clothes he will wear and told him how smart he will look. I told him about my day so far and stole many a birthday kiss. Three times I hesitated at the door and went back to steal one more...................

We popped into Roys to buy a clip frame for the collage of Mick we are going to make. This will be at the front of the chapel for the whole of the service. Leanne had to quickly catch the train home after that. Melissa had Country Dancing after school and had to be picked up at 4.15. As per usual the public transport system let her down; her train was delayed and she didn't get home until 5pm. Thank goodness she was able to contact Mel's friend's Mum who picked Mel up for her. In fact Ron and Brenda got home quicker by car to Swanley (67 miles) than Leanne did to Colchester (16 miles).

When Manda and I returned home we found we had just missed a delivery of flowers from Talj and Andi. Once again when I was feeling a little sad something came along to cheer me up! Manda phoned the company and they will redeliver in the morning.

When Nicole came home from school, she and Chris came round to join Manda and I. Nicole bought me a thermometer for the garden...very handy especially as tonight frost has been forecast!

They also surprised me with a Birthday Cake.....kindly they omitted to put on the other 53 candles....LOL

So it was a day of mixed emotions.......this time last year I wondered if I would see Mick again on my next birthday. This year there is no "wondering"...this year I know that next year I won't see him. I'll FEEL him though................

Now I can't end this post like that...I'll be crying into my coffee cup. You remember that photo of me when I was a little girl on my earlier post. Well I have some footage of me and a few toddler friends singing....I'm being very brave and allowing you to see it......now only look if you want to...remember I was only little and the word "poo" is mentioned...I add that warning for the delicate of stomach. Click HERE.

NO LAUGHING!!!

2007-04-17T01:09:00.000+01:00

There was a little girl....and she had a little curl .....right in the middle of her forehead....when she was good she was very, very good...and when she was bad!!!!!!!

Mum, Dad, baby sister and me....Singapore 1960ish

Now do you see an old woman or a young lady?

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY

2007-04-16T23:13:00.000+01:00

Jo, the lady who is presiding over Mick's service was lovely. The first thing she asked was whether we had any photos of Mick; I think it was lovely that she wanted to be able to picture Mick when we were talking about him. The photos we showed her really showed the sort of fun loving, family man Mick was. There was a lot of ooohing and ahhhing when she saw some of Mick with the grandchildren especially the one of him with Melissa at only 4 hours old! And we proved Mick's sporting abilities with the photo of him doing a headstand.....
She really laughed at this shot of Mick playing Pictionary; it reminded us of the time Mick was trying to draw a coconut........let's just say that it rather resembled a ladies private parts!!!!!

She stayed for a full two hours; we chatted about the actual service itself; the readings and the music and other details. Some of the grandchildren will light a candle as the service starts and as a single photo of Mick would not do him justice we are going to make up a collage to stand at the front of the chapel. Although Manda and I shed a few tears as we talked we were mainly laughing, with Jo joining in, as we described Mick and some of his antics....and I told her all about my blogfriends and how wonderful you all are. I'm pretty sure Jo will do Mick proud. She will phone me on Friday and read to me what she will say herself; just in case I want any adjustments made. I had one nice surprise...the plugs of geraniums I'd ordered online turned up...it seems to be the way at the moment that when something "difficult" has happened, something nice follows......(I whispered a quiet Thank You to Mick).

This afternoon has been an endless stream of phone hanging on and filling in forms. It's got to the stage that I've had to bring the kitchen table into the living room so that I can keep the paperwork in order. I have to do piles, done piles, to mail piles, to phone piles, to email piles etc etc. Any one fancy a job as a secretary? The pay is lousy but the food is good!!!!!

Every now and then I gazed longingly at the sun in the garden......but these jobs have to be done sometime...and as I've still lots left to do.... I'm glad at least I've made a start!

Leanne was back at work today as the children are all back at school. She didn't feel up to facing customers so her boss at Argos let her work in the stock room all day. She said everyone at work has been very kind. Sadly the local "yobos" around her way are not so nice and during one of their "stone fights" two of her windows were smashed. She could have done without that! She has "sorted" her hours so that she can pop over tomorrow while the children are at school; Ron and Brenda are coming for a couple of hours too....I suddenly realised about an hour ago that I'd not even thought what to give them for lunch. I quickly threw together a cheesecake, a can of tinned cherries over it and it'll do as a dessert. I think the savoury may have to be good old fashioned Bread and Cheese...a bit of chutney on the plate and I can call it a Ploughman's Lunch!!!
I did have a quick 10 minutes in the garden as the sun was going down......and now I must download some more forms which I have to fill in....it'll save me waiting for them to be posted to me. I must also run off a few Donation Forms for the Clatterbridge Campaign; I promised Ron I'd give him some tomorrow...............................then I must get myself some beauty sleep...being another year older tomorrow I think I need it!!!!!...............LOL

MONDAY MORNING BLUES

2007-04-16T07:10:00.000+01:00

A bit "jittery" this morning and I didn't sleep too well. This morning the lady who is taking Mick's funeral service is coming to the house to learn a little about Mick. I keep jotting things down on scraps of paper; how do you put the Essence of Mick in just a few words??? I could write a book about him..even a blog...LOL.

I think the most important thing I want to convey is what a happy, cheerful man Mick has always been. There was always a song and a smile on his lips. He was always so generous too...Jenner by name "Generous" by nature. If he only had £4 in his pocket and someone needed a fiver...he would give them his £4 and borrow a £1 to help them out.

Tomorrow will be difficult; they are coming to take the equipment and bed away....it will be good to see it all go, the bed in the living room is a constant reminder of Mick being so ill. Mick's brother is coming to visit too, it will be the first time I've seen him since Mick passed away and I'm sure it will be emotional. Tomorrow is also my birthday and I shall go with Ron to see Mick. I'll have a few minutes with Mick on my own and give him a "my" birthday hug and kiss.

It's a beautiful sunny morning though....so I'LL just run the hoover round quickly then have a sit in the garden.....that'll cheer me up..........sitting in the garden I mean; not the hoovering!!!!!

2007-04-15T21:19:00.000+01:00

At least having a lap top I can use my PC in the garden (until the battery runs out); I don't like doing it just in case I drop it or something but it's so lovely out here and while I'm relaxed I must write about finding Mick's suit.

The Funeral Directors told us last week that Mick could wear whatever we wanted. I know he will want to look his best so it had to be his suit; the last time he wore it was in May 14th 2005. Our nephew was getting married and Mick had already been visiting the doctor for some weeks; his headaches were bad and he was having difficult walking and controlling his bladder. The doctor kept saying Mick had nothing more than an ear infection. I was worried about him doing the drive (I'm a non-driver, sad to say) and Lynn had offered to pick us up but Mick insisted that as there was nothing major wrong with him that he would drive us to her house (where we were to stay the night before the wedding). I wanted to cancel our going to the wedding but Mick said there was no way he was missing his brother's son's great day. He said "as long as I stay near a toilet I'll be ok". The drive down was worrying....Mick seemed to be unsure of the way yet previously he would have been able to do it blindfolded. He had to stop in laybys a number of times and by the time we got to Lynn's a couple of hours later he couldn't make it up the stairs to the toilet in time. My poor darling was so embarrassed. We were all worried and I was glad that Lynn was doing the actual drive to the wedding venue the next day. Poor Mick had to put up with so many snide remarks that he was "pissed" during the reception as on occasions he stumbled a little and had to be shown were the loo was because each time he visited it he couldn't remember the next time where it was; I would wait outside for him as he couldn't find his way back to where we were sitting. It was a lovely fairy tale wedding........and somehow Mick got us home safely a day later.........a month or so later when his brother brought the wedding video for us to watch Mick didn't remember any of it......................

Anyway this is the suit that Mick will be wearing on the 25th...no tie though....he hated them! On Thursday Lynn and I tried to find it; I wasn't looking forward to the task...I knew just how much seeing it would upset me. As you all know over the past 2 years our house has been somewhat rearranged....the wardrobe that it used to hang in I'd had to dismantle to make more room for extra beds for visitors. I knew exactly where it was though....or so I thought!!!!! Lynn and I went through the cupboard where I thought I'd put it but it wasn't there. I looked through boxes in the garage, boxes in the bedrooms but couldn't find it. I said to Lynn "Dad knows I'm not ready to find it yet. He'll wait till it's just me on my own."

Today I found it.....exactly where I knew it was supposed to be...........exactly where Lynn and I had been fruitlessly searching on Thursday. It was the way it was meant to be.......I hugged that suit.......I could feel Mick in my arms......I cried a lot.......it was what I needed to do.......it was what I wouldn't have allowed myself to do if I hadn't been on my own.

Thanks Darling...{{{HUGS}}}

SUNNY SUNDAY

2007-04-15T20:54:00.000+01:00

I must apologise if after this post you find a lot of "mini posts" on my blog. As this blog is my own diary of events I want to post things as they happen, before I forget and while I've the emotion of the moment in me. I know I could just keep adding my thoughts in draft mode but that would end up as one big disjointed post......I'd rather keep each thought, moment or event separate, plus at the moment typing up too long a post makes me so emotional. Please don't feel you've got to comment on them all!!! I know you're out there.

Because I posted the about the Grand National yesterday there are a few things I've got to get down before I forget that I haven't posted them. Even some of what I'm about to say now may be a repeat of something I've posted before but I want to make sure I catch up with everything I've been meaning to say....so here goes............

Tomorrow the lady who will be taking Mick's service is coming by for a chat. Manda will be here and I have talked to Leanne and Lynn about the sort of things we would like her to say....we are all in agreement that Mick's natural happy nature is the main thing we want accentuated.

When Mick first came out of hospital and had that few weeks of functioning normally....he told us that he wanted NO flowers.....he has always been upset at funerals with flowers; the flowers die so quickly. Instead we are asking that family and friends donate to the RoseMcGill Fund...I had thought of starting a fund in Mick's name but the Clatterbidge Cancer Campaign and Rose's Fund have been so much part of our lives since I blogmet Talj that it seemed the right thing to do.....even the fact that Rose is the name of a flower seems to make it more special and I truly believe that yesterdays winnings on the Grand National show me that Mick is in agreement. We shall, of course, be placing a few momentos with Mick.....I must make sure he has a fresh packet of Runner Bean seeds (his favourite vegetable to grow) and I know the girls and grandchildren have their own special items they want him to have. I know at some point I will buy a special plant for Mick to grow in our garden; but really my keeping the garden going and looking beautiful will be my own memorial to him.

The service will not be a religious service but there will be mention of God; not because of our beliefs but because some of the things we especially want read out contain the word......

Lynn will be reading the poem that Analia wrote.

Leanne will be reading a poem Libby printed on her blog.

Kirsty wants to read the poem she wrote for her Grandad...she's only 12 and it's such a brave and wonderful thing to want to do.

Manda has written something she wants to read; I've read it and it is so moving and a fitting tribute to Mick and the wonderful Dad he has been to her.

Chris also wants to say a few words; I'm not sure what yet....it's a work in progress.

I haven't mentioned it before because I didn't want Denise to feel pressured if she couldn't do it...but last weekend she phoned me and asked if I would like her to make up some Memorial Cards to give to everyone after the funeral. It is such a lovely idea and I told her what I would like put on it and she has now sent me one to make sure I am happy with it. It is lovely...I'll post a photo of it after the 25th. She has refused to accept any payment...she says it is a labour of love......it still astounds me how wonderful all of my blogfriends are....{{{HUGS}}}

Two more things before I stop for now....the emotions are really building up.........

Mick also said when he came out of hospital that he didn't want everyone dressed in black or sombre colours...he said he'd like to think of his family and friends as a sea of colour, just like a garden of flowers.

The other thing he did during those early days was order some garden plaques......I'd almost forgotten about them...they have been tucked away in the bottom of the wardrobe for so long now. As the girls and I were all together on Thursday evening I gave them each one......my one I have placed in our garden.....the moon and stars are luminous at night .....we shall all treasure them....they are the last items that Mick actually bought himself.

Well the sun's shining so guess where I'm going...................