NO LAUGHING!!!

There was a little girl....and she had a little curl .....right in the middle of her forehead....when she was good she was very, very good...and when she was bad!!!!!!!

Mum, Dad, baby sister and me....Singapore 1960ish

Now do you see an old woman or a young lady?

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY

Jo, the lady who is presiding over Mick's service was lovely. The first thing she asked was whether we had any photos of Mick; I think it was lovely that she wanted to be able to picture Mick when we were talking about him. The photos we showed her really showed the sort of fun loving, family man Mick was. There was a lot of ooohing and ahhhing when she saw some of Mick with the grandchildren especially the one of him with Melissa at only 4 hours old! And we proved Mick's sporting abilities with the photo of him doing a headstand.....
She really laughed at this shot of Mick playing Pictionary; it reminded us of the time Mick was trying to draw a coconut........let's just say that it rather resembled a ladies private parts!!!!!

She stayed for a full two hours; we chatted about the actual service itself; the readings and the music and other details. Some of the grandchildren will light a candle as the service starts and as a single photo of Mick would not do him justice we are going to make up a collage to stand at the front of the chapel. Although Manda and I shed a few tears as we talked we were mainly laughing, with Jo joining in, as we described Mick and some of his antics....and I told her all about my blogfriends and how wonderful you all are. I'm pretty sure Jo will do Mick proud. She will phone me on Friday and read to me what she will say herself; just in case I want any adjustments made. I had one nice surprise...the plugs of geraniums I'd ordered online turned up...it seems to be the way at the moment that when something "difficult" has happened, something nice follows......(I whispered a quiet Thank You to Mick).

This afternoon has been an endless stream of phone hanging on and filling in forms. It's got to the stage that I've had to bring the kitchen table into the living room so that I can keep the paperwork in order. I have to do piles, done piles, to mail piles, to phone piles, to email piles etc etc. Any one fancy a job as a secretary? The pay is lousy but the food is good!!!!!

Every now and then I gazed longingly at the sun in the garden......but these jobs have to be done sometime...and as I've still lots left to do.... I'm glad at least I've made a start!

Leanne was back at work today as the children are all back at school. She didn't feel up to facing customers so her boss at Argos let her work in the stock room all day. She said everyone at work has been very kind. Sadly the local "yobos" around her way are not so nice and during one of their "stone fights" two of her windows were smashed. She could have done without that! She has "sorted" her hours so that she can pop over tomorrow while the children are at school; Ron and Brenda are coming for a couple of hours too....I suddenly realised about an hour ago that I'd not even thought what to give them for lunch. I quickly threw together a cheesecake, a can of tinned cherries over it and it'll do as a dessert. I think the savoury may have to be good old fashioned Bread and Cheese...a bit of chutney on the plate and I can call it a Ploughman's Lunch!!!
I did have a quick 10 minutes in the garden as the sun was going down......and now I must download some more forms which I have to fill in....it'll save me waiting for them to be posted to me. I must also run off a few Donation Forms for the Clatterbridge Campaign; I promised Ron I'd give him some tomorrow...............................then I must get myself some beauty sleep...being another year older tomorrow I think I need it!!!!!...............LOL

MONDAY MORNING BLUES

A bit "jittery" this morning and I didn't sleep too well. This morning the lady who is taking Mick's funeral service is coming to the house to learn a little about Mick. I keep jotting things down on scraps of paper; how do you put the Essence of Mick in just a few words??? I could write a book about him..even a blog...LOL.

I think the most important thing I want to convey is what a happy, cheerful man Mick has always been. There was always a song and a smile on his lips. He was always so generous too...Jenner by name "Generous" by nature. If he only had £4 in his pocket and someone needed a fiver...he would give them his £4 and borrow a £1 to help them out.

Tomorrow will be difficult; they are coming to take the equipment and bed away....it will be good to see it all go, the bed in the living room is a constant reminder of Mick being so ill. Mick's brother is coming to visit too, it will be the first time I've seen him since Mick passed away and I'm sure it will be emotional. Tomorrow is also my birthday and I shall go with Ron to see Mick. I'll have a few minutes with Mick on my own and give him a "my" birthday hug and kiss.

It's a beautiful sunny morning though....so I'LL just run the hoover round quickly then have a sit in the garden.....that'll cheer me up..........sitting in the garden I mean; not the hoovering!!!!!

At least having a lap top I can use my PC in the garden (until the battery runs out); I don't like doing it just in case I drop it or something but it's so lovely out here and while I'm relaxed I must write about finding Mick's suit.

The Funeral Directors told us last week that Mick could wear whatever we wanted. I know he will want to look his best so it had to be his suit; the last time he wore it was in May 14th 2005. Our nephew was getting married and Mick had already been visiting the doctor for some weeks; his headaches were bad and he was having difficult walking and controlling his bladder. The doctor kept saying Mick had nothing more than an ear infection. I was worried about him doing the drive (I'm a non-driver, sad to say) and Lynn had offered to pick us up but Mick insisted that as there was nothing major wrong with him that he would drive us to her house (where we were to stay the night before the wedding). I wanted to cancel our going to the wedding but Mick said there was no way he was missing his brother's son's great day. He said "as long as I stay near a toilet I'll be ok". The drive down was worrying....Mick seemed to be unsure of the way yet previously he would have been able to do it blindfolded. He had to stop in laybys a number of times and by the time we got to Lynn's a couple of hours later he couldn't make it up the stairs to the toilet in time. My poor darling was so embarrassed. We were all worried and I was glad that Lynn was doing the actual drive to the wedding venue the next day. Poor Mick had to put up with so many snide remarks that he was "pissed" during the reception as on occasions he stumbled a little and had to be shown were the loo was because each time he visited it he couldn't remember the next time where it was; I would wait outside for him as he couldn't find his way back to where we were sitting. It was a lovely fairy tale wedding........and somehow Mick got us home safely a day later.........a month or so later when his brother brought the wedding video for us to watch Mick didn't remember any of it......................

Anyway this is the suit that Mick will be wearing on the 25th...no tie though....he hated them! On Thursday Lynn and I tried to find it; I wasn't looking forward to the task...I knew just how much seeing it would upset me. As you all know over the past 2 years our house has been somewhat rearranged....the wardrobe that it used to hang in I'd had to dismantle to make more room for extra beds for visitors. I knew exactly where it was though....or so I thought!!!!! Lynn and I went through the cupboard where I thought I'd put it but it wasn't there. I looked through boxes in the garage, boxes in the bedrooms but couldn't find it. I said to Lynn "Dad knows I'm not ready to find it yet. He'll wait till it's just me on my own."

Today I found it.....exactly where I knew it was supposed to be...........exactly where Lynn and I had been fruitlessly searching on Thursday. It was the way it was meant to be.......I hugged that suit.......I could feel Mick in my arms......I cried a lot.......it was what I needed to do.......it was what I wouldn't have allowed myself to do if I hadn't been on my own.

Thanks Darling...{{{HUGS}}}

SUNNY SUNDAY

I must apologise if after this post you find a lot of "mini posts" on my blog. As this blog is my own diary of events I want to post things as they happen, before I forget and while I've the emotion of the moment in me. I know I could just keep adding my thoughts in draft mode but that would end up as one big disjointed post......I'd rather keep each thought, moment or event separate, plus at the moment typing up too long a post makes me so emotional. Please don't feel you've got to comment on them all!!! I know you're out there.

Because I posted the about the Grand National yesterday there are a few things I've got to get down before I forget that I haven't posted them. Even some of what I'm about to say now may be a repeat of something I've posted before but I want to make sure I catch up with everything I've been meaning to say....so here goes............

Tomorrow the lady who will be taking Mick's service is coming by for a chat. Manda will be here and I have talked to Leanne and Lynn about the sort of things we would like her to say....we are all in agreement that Mick's natural happy nature is the main thing we want accentuated.

When Mick first came out of hospital and had that few weeks of functioning normally....he told us that he wanted NO flowers.....he has always been upset at funerals with flowers; the flowers die so quickly. Instead we are asking that family and friends donate to the RoseMcGill Fund...I had thought of starting a fund in Mick's name but the Clatterbidge Cancer Campaign and Rose's Fund have been so much part of our lives since I blogmet Talj that it seemed the right thing to do.....even the fact that Rose is the name of a flower seems to make it more special and I truly believe that yesterdays winnings on the Grand National show me that Mick is in agreement. We shall, of course, be placing a few momentos with Mick.....I must make sure he has a fresh packet of Runner Bean seeds (his favourite vegetable to grow) and I know the girls and grandchildren have their own special items they want him to have. I know at some point I will buy a special plant for Mick to grow in our garden; but really my keeping the garden going and looking beautiful will be my own memorial to him.

The service will not be a religious service but there will be mention of God; not because of our beliefs but because some of the things we especially want read out contain the word......

Lynn will be reading the poem that Analia wrote.

Leanne will be reading a poem Libby printed on her blog.

Kirsty wants to read the poem she wrote for her Grandad...she's only 12 and it's such a brave and wonderful thing to want to do.

Manda has written something she wants to read; I've read it and it is so moving and a fitting tribute to Mick and the wonderful Dad he has been to her.

Chris also wants to say a few words; I'm not sure what yet....it's a work in progress.

I haven't mentioned it before because I didn't want Denise to feel pressured if she couldn't do it...but last weekend she phoned me and asked if I would like her to make up some Memorial Cards to give to everyone after the funeral. It is such a lovely idea and I told her what I would like put on it and she has now sent me one to make sure I am happy with it. It is lovely...I'll post a photo of it after the 25th. She has refused to accept any payment...she says it is a labour of love......it still astounds me how wonderful all of my blogfriends are....{{{HUGS}}}

Two more things before I stop for now....the emotions are really building up.........

Mick also said when he came out of hospital that he didn't want everyone dressed in black or sombre colours...he said he'd like to think of his family and friends as a sea of colour, just like a garden of flowers.

The other thing he did during those early days was order some garden plaques......I'd almost forgotten about them...they have been tucked away in the bottom of the wardrobe for so long now. As the girls and I were all together on Thursday evening I gave them each one......my one I have placed in our garden.....the moon and stars are luminous at night .....we shall all treasure them....they are the last items that Mick actually bought himself.

Well the sun's shining so guess where I'm going...................

PIPS AT THE POST!!!!!

I've had a wonderful day in the garden today. I've "pottered" about like I've never "pottered" before. What the neighbours think I don't know as I've been chatting away to Mick all the time....OUT LOUD.....watch out for the men in white coats...LOL.

I had lots of things I was going to tell you all about today but something exciting happened and the other things can wait until tomorrow. I think the easiest and quickest way for me to relate my "exciting" story (especially as I'm starving and there's a lovely kipper waiting for me to cook) is just to copy the email I sent to Talj this afternoon.

Hi Talj
Wouldn't say anything before (in case we were losers) but Mick was a great horse racing fan. Every week he would have a 20p each way Yankee and on special races like the Gold Cup or Derby etc he would have some single bets. In his memory as today was The Grand national we chose a few horses and put them on at £1 to win. One horse I asked Lynn to do each way...their bookie wouldn't do £1 so I did £2 each way. The horse I picked especially for Mick was PHILSON....in his single bets Mick would always go by name rather than form and always picked something to do with the garden or our names or the grandchildren's names etc. Well with PHIL being our grandSON I just had to pick it and as it was a bit of an outsider I knew Mick would have done it each way. We had all decided that if any of our horses won the money would go to the Rose Tribute Fund.
Well guess what.............
PHILSON CAME 4TH AT 100-1 WHICH MEANS WE MADE £52 !!!!
This has made me so happy as I know that Mick had his hand in this and it's proof to me that he agrees with all the efforts I'm making to raise money.

Happy {{{HUGS}}}
Ruth
XXXXX

Isn't that just wonderful; not that I had any doubts...but if I had...I would know now that Mick is behind me every step of the way as I endeavour to help Andi and Talj reach that magic £5000 goal.

TO YOU ALL ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY

I bottled up a bunch of hugs
To send them off to you,
Friendship hugs, hugs of love,
Even bear hugs too!
It's filled with the most special hugs,
Only the very best would do!

I hope that you'll remember this
Whenever you feel blue,
Because these special, bottled hugs
Should last the whole year through!

Just open up the bottle and take out a hug - anytime you need it!!

HOT OFF THE PRESS!

Team Smarties have opened their AUCTION ITEMS page. There are some wonderful items and more will be added. Please click on the picture below and see what's on offer so far. You've got to be quick...one item has already been sold!!!!

LAUGHTER AND TEARS

The girls have all gone home now. It's been lovely having them here; I was especially pleased that Leanne could stay over last night. It's been difficult for her not being here where we all feel Mick's presence. With three children at home and no other adult in the house she has not had a chance to truly show her grief. I'm so glad that, thanks to Chris "childsitting", she was able to come over and join myself, Lynn and Manda as we laughed and cried with our memories. We shed many, many tears but feeling Mick around us we also giggled like schoolgirls remembering so many of those special "Mick moments".

I'm looking forward to the weekend; there is so much gardening that hasn't been done yet and because it is the weekend all those official letters and phone calls I still have to make can be put on hold until offices reopen on Monday. Mick and I were just an ordinary couple, no vast savings accounts, or hundreds of stocks and shares yet the paperwork that will be involved is incredible. The registrar gave me a list of things I should do. I'm glad she did as it would probably not have crossed my mind to notify the Passport Office or the Driver's Licensing Department.

I can't believe a week has almost past; this time last week I had just finished watching the TV gardening programmes with Mick by my side..........

I was hoping to email and personally thank all the bloggers who had sent emails and left such wonderful comments over the last few days but the list would just be too long. I have emailed a few of the people who contributed to the lovely booklet that Denise had compiled:

Sylvia,

Kai,

Julie,

Sheila,

Talj

Gillian

Denise.. (I have actually spoken to on the phone a couple of times and she has the most brilliant video on her post today (13th) ....we roared with laughter!!! You must take a look.....click HERE.)

unfortunately some of them do not have an email facility on their blog so;

Scarecrow and Doc

Annie in Little Rock

Lori Schmidt

Dot

Lilymarlene

"Thank you for the wonderful words you each wrote; your kind and loving thoughts are treasured by us all."

and the same message to all of you who have emailed and commented. If I could cyberwhisk you all here on 25th April when Mick makes his final journey I would, so that I could hug each and every one of you!

There have also been two new comments from Tom on my Art, Art, wherefore art thou art? post. If you are reading this Tom I can't pick up a link from your comments so if you could email me (see my profile page) or leave your blog address I would be much obliged.

I hope you've all been casting your votes on the Easter Egg Hunt.....it's been such a success and raised £109..........now that's put another smile on my face!

THE POST WITHIN A POST

I knew this morning was going to be difficult, thanks to Chris offering to go to Leanne's to stay with the children, myself, Lynn, Leanne and Mandy were able to go to the registrars and the funeral directors as a family unit. It was the first time that I had been to the registrars since Mick and I got married... Such is the fickle hand of fate. The registrar was courteous and sympathetic but even so when I saw the word "Widow" written on the certificate the enormity of no longer being known as "Mick's wife" hit me hard. The rest of the meeting passed in a blur but the one shining light was the fact that the registrar agreed to acknowledge that Mick passed away on the 6th. Having now got the official certificate we then had to go to the funeral directors to confirm the date of Mick's funeral being the 25th April. Much form filling and name signing later Leanne and I separately went to see Mick. I know you will all understand if I do not go into details... When I left I needed to get home, back to our garden. We were all feeling rather somber but as so often happens in moments like these a small ray of sunshine was waiting for us in the form of...

Lynn, Leanne and Mandy taking over this post for a while to say a huge thank you for all the heart felt messages in this special gift which came at a time that we needed them most; it is a gift we shall treasure forever. It makes us all proud to know how much Dad's life touched so many others. There are not enough words to say how grateful we are that Mum has the love and support of so many wonderful people. Even though we have never met you personally it is nice to know that there are special, amazing, thoughtful bloggers that care so much. Mum has printed out all the emails and comments that she has received which we have all read and have been deeply moved by. Ourselves and Mum have spent an afternoon full of tears and laughter reminiscing about Dad and all our fantastic memories of an always happy, everloving, devoted Father.

Right it is me back again, I must tell you about the fun evening I have had watching Leanne's endeavours to solve the last clue of the Easter Hunt Challenge.

INTENSE CONCENTRATION

With some help from her two sisters she managed to "crack" the code. With great "eggs-citement" Leanne "scrambled" her answers off to Claire. She was "boiling" with glee. I have been very good and did not let her "poach" any answers off of me... Hopefully there are enough eggs jokes there and you go off home and finish the Easter Egg Hunt just to keep me quiet...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

N.H.S. (No Heart Service)

Well we got the Death Certificate...the powers that be have decided that Mick passed away on the 7th April despite the fact WE know and the Doctor who verified knows it was the 6th. It seems because of the fact we had to wait for over 2 hours before the Doctor came to see Mick and by then it was the early hours Saturday morning, that as far as his records are concerned that is the day he died. We are all very upset at this; we all felt that Mick had decided when it should be and waited until the end of a very special, happy family day...waited until the children had gone home...waited until he and I had our few special hours together. What ever the certificate says as far as we are concerned and what I shall tell anyone who asks is that the date of Mick's last journey was GOOD FRIDAY 6TH APRIL 2007. It upset me deeply; it felt as though that special day and special moment had been stolen from us by bureaucracy.

What made it worse was the insensitivity of our doctor when he phoned to tell me the certificate was ready. He told me to come to the surgery and pick it up and then said "Where's the BODY". Even just typing it brings tears to my eyes. There are a hundred ways he could have asked,...who's taking care of your husband?....which funeral director have you chosen?.....I'm sure you can think of another 98 ways without being so brutal and cruel. This is the same doctor who when Mick had terrible headaches, started to become incontinent, couldn't walk in a straight line without guidance, couldn't see clearly and felt permanently giddy told us that Mick had an ear infection....and continued to treat him for this despite continuous weekly appointments at his surgery. What a callous, cold blooded apology for a human being our doctor is.

My stress levels are rising and rising. I want to grieve and cry but I am so damned angry!!!!! I could accept feeling angry at losing Mick...that would be natural...a natural process of grief and loss; but my whole being is being eaten away by the anger I feel at this so called doctor and the whole of our local NHS.

It was so nice when Steve (Lynn's hubby) turned up, although the poor man must have thought he'd turned up into a war zone as Lynn and I were so stressed out......his big "man" cuddle made us both feel a lot better.

Still at least now we have been able to make an appointment with the registrar and the funeral directors for tomorrow and so by the end of Thursday we should feel a lot calmer as the NHS should by then be totally out of the system...providing of course that TWO doctors DO go to the funeral directors and grant permission for a cremation!!!!! It seems they have to certify that no "foul play" has taken place.....I think the only foul play involved was that done by the NHS!!!!

To help lower my stress levels and hopefully my blood pressure...the rate we are going I'll be needing to increase my own dosage!!!.......we went to a garden centre. One of my blogfriends, Julie, had sent me a lovely card which included some Garden Gift Vouchers so that I could buy something special for the garden....isn't that such a lovely thing to do!!!!!

Nothing "caught my eye"....I'll know when I see the "right" thing...but while we were there I thought I'd take advantage of having some car drivers about and picked up 4 bags of compost and 3 bags of shingle. These would be difficult things for me to buy and transport home.

Ha..Ha...no one knew I had my camera with me and don't know I took these shots!!!!..as I lingered behind them! A little bit of silliness and light relief!

I have had a phone call from the lady who will be conducting Mick's service...she will be coming to the house on Monday morning to talk about Mick, music and readings. I'll tell you more about that when the final decisions have been made.

Steve has now gone home (after a good roast lamb dinner) and Lynn and I have been round to Manda's house for a short while. It seemed so strange as although she only lives around the corner we haven't been able to get into her house due to the steepness of the steps. I'm finding my own "small steps" quite difficult...it doesn't seem the same without Mick.

It did mean, though, that I saw the Forsythia in bloom that Mick and I had given Manda some years ago.......she says it has never flowered as well as it has this year....very special.

And for the first time I have taken a sunset photo from a garden other than our own.............
I hope you are all enjoying the Easter Egg Hunt; only a few more clues to go!!!!!

IT DON'T GET ANY EASIER

I shall attempt to write this post without using the copious 4 letter words and foul mouthed language that I have been using an hour ago. The NHS has reared its inefficient, uncaring head again.

A brief recap; on Thursday 5th March a Doctor specifically came out to see Mick so that in the event of his death he would not have to have an autopsy. It would be a bit pointless as it had been considered that he would not live beyond July 2005.

Due to Mick passing away on Good Friday we had to wait until this morning to go to our surgery to obtain the death certificate.. As soon as the surgery opened at 8.30 am I went in and explained what I needed to the receptionist. She assured me that the Doctor would get it done today and would phone me as soon as the certificate was ready for collection.

We waited.........waited some more............then we waited a bit more.............did some work in the garden while we waited.......finished that....still waiting...............4 pm the phone went; despite running I didn't get to it quick enough before the caller rang off; I redialed the number as I could see on our caller display that it was the surgery..............the receptionist had no idea who had phoned so I explained that it could have been a call re the death certificate....she put me through to Doctor who said the doctor who came to see Mick was away for a long weekend and so the certificate would not be done until he got back. Wouldn't you have thought someone could have told us that earlier....NOT leave us sitting around all day when there are so many other things we could have been doing and family members we could have visited!!!!

It appears that the "law of the land" decrees that only the doctor who saw Mick previous to death can sign the certificate. Ok so this is the law and I can't fight that but wouldn't you think out of common decency and humanity SOMEONE could have just phoned and let us know!!!! instead of letting us stew!!!!

I spoke to the Hospice Nurse and asked her what happens if the doctor has an accident or falls sick....will Mick then have to have an autopsy!!! She admitted she didn't know and would phone me back. Surprisingly she did!......it seems the doctor in question is back at work tomorrow but at a different surgery which is a whole 5 minutes by car away from ours....therefore we will have to wait till Thursday for him to do anything. I protested my anger "*************" and said Lynn would pick him up and take him to our surgery so he can write it out if needed!!!...the nurse says she will speak to him tomorrow to try and get it sorted. I hope she does because I have arrangements that need to be made. We have already been told by the Funeral Directors that the earliest date possible is 25th April and that's only IF we can quickly get the death certificate before anyone else needs to take the date!

QUESTIONS TO THE NHS

1. 
   
   Why if a doctor has recorded his visit and decided that death is imminent cannot any qualified doctor write out the death certificate?*


2. 
   
   Why cannot a surgery have some respect for grieving relatives and make a simple phone call to explain any problems?


3. 
   
   Why in this age of technology and modern transport cannot a doctor in a surgery 5 minutes away from another get of his a**e and write a certificate?

End of rant you'll be pleased to know.....that's until I start on some of the family members!!!

MY DREAM

*just to clarify as I think I did not explain it well during my rant moment; Mick was, of course, seen by a doctor after he passed away; this doctor only verifies death....the doctor who saw Mick BEFORE he passed away has to actually write the certificate out.

SHORT BUT SWEET

Just a short post, will catch up with things during the week. Lynn will be arriving shortly; it will be the first time I've seen her since I lost Mick. You can be sure there will be plenty of hugs and plenty of tears but in true "Mick" fashion we will have plenty of laughs!

I've been printing out some flyers and posters for her for the Pledge Bank...she is going to take them to work next week and spread the word about the Clatteridge Campaign. If anyone would like to print some themselves you'll find the link in the sidebar of The Easter Bunnies Egg Hunt.

I've also been into town...well just the one shop....my friend Sue was going to Roys and I thought I'd go with her. It seemed so strange going without Mick; I've not set foot outside the house without him for almost 2 years. I did enjoy the shopping expedition but did start to get a bit jittery after a little while and wanted to go home. I think "going out" is something I will have to do in small doses...one step at a time. It's so strange that I could push Mick up the steepest hill yet without him my legs were like jelly.

I've done a little gardening...OF COURSE!!! and no doubt tonight will be eating well.....I'll have to or get nagged by Lynn!!!

Thank you once more for all the lovely comments and emails that are continuing to come in

Rx

EASTER SUNDAY VISITS

I slept so well last night...the best night's sleep I've had for a long time. Being back in OUR bedroom made such a difference...it just seemed RIGHT. I whispered my "good nights" to Mick... I know I'll always do that and slept for a full 6 hours.

I woke up really bright eyed and looked forward to seeing Rob. He was initially going to bring his girlfriend Louise with him...we have never met her as she has been on a "Grand Tour" ....but we have been keeping up with her "escapades" via her travel blog. I was a little apprehensive as I knew that it would be a difficult time for a "first meeting"....Rob thought the same thing and we are going to leave meeting her until a later date. I think it was the right decision and when she does come I will be better prepared...I hadn't even thought about feeding them or hunting out those stray cobwebs....well I want to make a good impression don't I!!!

As it was still quite chilly first thing I thought that while I waited for Rob to arrive (he was picking up Leanne & co on his way) I'd print out the comments and emails I'd received from you all so that the rest of the family could read them at their leisure................an HOUR later...there are just so many!!!.......I'd finally finished...well I thought I had but I see even more have come in since then!

When Rob, Leanne and the grandchildren arrived there were lots of hugs and a few tears. It was the first time I'd seen them since Mick died ( I hate that word). Rob brought in a Banana Bread that Louise had made for me as a gift...isn't that a wonderful thing to do!!!....I just know I'm going to love her when we do meet.

I had previously arranged with the funeral directors for Leanne, Rob and I to go and visit Mick at the Chapel of Rest. This was really important to Leanne as her final words to Mick when she left on Friday afternoon was that she'd be over on Sunday to see us both....she didn't intend to break that promise!!! We each went in separately, and, talking afterwards we had each reacted the same way.....giving him a hug and a kiss, shedding some tears and then just chatting and chatting away to him. He looked so rested and handsome....in my heart I could feel him smiling when I told him about Kirsty's poem and all the lovely comments I'd had about it. I could have stayed there all day but knew I had to leave so carried him home in my heart with me.

By the time we got home all of us were starving and ready for some "junk" food. Robbie took a very long list up to MacDonalds as Manda, Chris and Nicole had come round too to keep Phil, Kirsty & Mel company while we went to see Mick.

Would you believe I ate TWO of these as well as fries!!!!!

Mac Donald's have a Monopoly competition running at the moment and Leanne & Phil sorted out all the stickers...we only needed Bond Street and we would have won 10 grand!....LOL

We all spent a lovely afternoon in the garden; the weather was lovely..............

Our "BABY" boy, Rob!!!

and they didn't leave until well after the sun had gone down.

Time for me to catch up with a few blogs now.......did you know the Easter Egg Hunt has already raised £107...isn't that wonderful news!!!................also some of my long term blogfriends have said that some of you may not have seen the REAL MICK posts I did in December...just click on the "Real Mick Photos" label below if you'd like a peek.

TO MY FRIENDS

I've been lurking today; both in blogworld, my email inbox and my comment box. Yes I have read them all; the posts, the poems, the heartfelt condolences and promises of support have not been overlooked. I am just not ready to answer them....be patient with me. I've shed many tears it is true...not only of sadness but of pride......... I've always been an emotionally person, wearing my heart on my sleeve...........The person that I truly am has been locked away for almost 2 years now as "strength, courage and fortitude" have been mantra. I had wondered that when the time came would I be able to "break" or would that stone wall hiding my emotions be an impenetrable barrier. Well it has broken many, many times today as I read the words my blog friends around the world had written.
But please don't think I have been sitting in abject misery surrounded by soggy tissues all day. The hospital bed has been pushed back against the wall, the hoist is in the hallway...not in full view all the time, the wheelchairs are tucked out of sight in the garage, my bed is now back upstairs in OUR bedroom, the living room has started to look more like OUR living room..........and all this done before breakfast!!!!
It's going to be a long, long time before all the reminders of Mick's illness are gone especially as it is the Easter weekend, this in itself will cause many delays..note I said reminders of Micks illness...not reminders of Mick himself.....they are my comforters. The reminders I want around me and the reminders I want carry in my heart will be reminders of the REAL Mick.
Over the next few days there are many more things I want to tell you about Friday evening and today.........so many of you have touched the life of Mick and Ruth and shared in our joys and sorrows....it won't be all doom and gloom ...you know me better than that!!!
For now though, before I pop over to the Easter Egg Hunt (thanks Claire for publishing today's clues) I want to share with you a poem that Kirsty, our twelve year old granddaughter, wrote about Mick a few days ago......(I did ask her first if she was happy for me to print it)

MY POEM

The person who I’ll never forget,
My grandad he’s the best,
He’s always helped me all the time,
He never ever made a mess.

Except from when he was painting,
You see that was his job,
He didn’t sit there doing nothing,
He wasn’t a lazy slob.

But now he can’t talk or walk,
Or do really anything,
But that don’t mean I do not care,
Because I still really love him.

There are some people, who just ignore,
They just sit there and stare,
But me and my grandad,
To be honest we don’t really care.

I know he can hear us,
Cos he gets tears in his eye,
When we read soppy cards,
Oh Grandad please don’t cry.

You’ll always have this little girl,
With the really frizzy hair,
But all that matters is just this,
I love you and I care.

Even when you’ve gone away,
I’ll think of you night and day,
I won’t forget the good times we’ve had,
We’ve never ever had any bad.

You’re always in my heart for ever,
Just you and me together,
We’ll skip along in my wonderland,
You and I hand in hand.

I love you so much,
Your golden touch,
Warms my heart,
Your 1st on my chart.

MICK'S LAST SUNSET

At 11.30pm 6th April My Darling Mick peacefully passed away as I held him in my arms. It had been a happy day full of sunshine and laughter......I know that's how Mick would have wanted his final day to be...............

SO FAR SO GOOD FRIDAY!

First of all I must say a huge THANK YOU for all the wonderful comments, ecards and emails I have received...not only re: the situation here with Mick but also for the Easter good wishes and even a "thank you for your garden help". They have been wonderful not only for me to read but also for the family to share in. We have spent SO much time outside that I've hardly visited anyones blogs, and those I have visited I have not left comments on (extra time needed) though I must admit I was very tempted when I saw MrsN asking for crop rotation help!!! I will get to you all in time and catch up with all the goings on. At the moment there is a certain gentleman whose hand I can't resist holding....I know you will all understand.

Meanwhile I leave you with a brief slideshow of our day so far. The girls have all gone home now to give me some "special" time with Mick. They have been wonderful......to know those farewell kisses are more than likely their last kisses...well I will only say how PROUD I am of them all.......especially the Grandchildren............."troopers" every one of them.

GOOD FRIDAY........WE HOPE!

A beautiful sunrise this morning and Mick had a peaceful night. I was up and dressed early ready for Lynn to arrive; just after 6am she turned up with Manda!!! Unbeknown to me Lynn had driven down during the night and (rather than risk disturbing Mick & I) had stayed at Mandas. It seems the 2 girls have been up talking all night and have not slept yet!!! Leanne has to work today but Lynn is going to go and pick her up later and bring her over for a quick visit....I know how much this will mean to Leanne. I'm sure Mick will enjoy having so many girls around....lucky man!!!

That's all for now......till later........enjoy the sunshine...we hope to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UPDATE:

Really excited to see the Just Giving Donations have now hit £2000........THANK YOU!!!!!!

Just a catch up on today, a day of blue skies and sunshine. Manda and I had arranged earlier in the week that we would walk to town today; I thought about it and decided not to go. As I fear things are not going well for Mick I knew that if he was aware of what was going on that he would rather be sitting in our garden than traipsing around a noisy, busy town.


So that's what we did and we stayed there until 3.30pm.Manda popped in a few times during the day and kept me well supplied with coffees!!! Like Leanne and Lynn she wants to spend as much time with Mick as possible but at the same time realises how important it is for me to have my own private time with him.......well there's some sloppy stuff I can't possibly say to him in front of the children!!!!!Manda and I took it in turns to read some interesting bits out of the Gardening Magazine I'd bought the last time we went to the shops........Manda (being a self-confessed NON gardener) did very well reading out some of the Latin names....I bet Mick was smiling inside at some of her pronunciation. Chris and Nicole also popped in for a while and Lynn is coming (just for the day) tomorrow. Leanne was due to come on Thursday but wants to bring that forward; the problem is that being the Easter weekend public transport is almost non existent!

The Hospice Nurse phoned and popped in. I told her of my problem that some people want me to let them know WHEN Mick is in his final stages........she said even the greatest physician on Earth wouldn't be able to answer that...it could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be...???? Mick has been defying the odds for 22+ months already. Two "good" things she did do was bring me some of the soft mouth swabs which she expected we had been given from day one......we hadn't....and also made sure the Doctor popped in...just for the record...so that we wouldn't have to have an autopsy.........I'm grateful for that!

I'm sorry if this all sounds a bit gloomy but I will quote what I wrote in the 2nd post of this blog when I began it;

Before I start writing this blog in earnest I must warn you that this is my "no holds barred" blog. It is not for the faint hearted or the squeamish. Although I hope it will contain some "smiley" entries I know that many of my posts will be of sad events over the last 18 months and of sad events in the days to come. There WILL be mention of bowel movements and vomit. There WILL be tears. So should I make this blog a private one and allow NO visitors?
Maybe I should.............................
But then again.................................
maybe reading this will make someone happier with their "lot"
maybe reading this will make someone feel less alone coping with their problems
but most of all
maybe reading this will make YOU realise how precious every moment is that is spent with those we love

On that note I leave you with tonight's sunset, a gentle reminder to visit the Easter Bunnies Egg Hunt and

Carpe Diem (Seize the day!) ....... thanks to Sx for this one too!

Mick was asleep most of yesterday; he opened his eyes a few times but to be honest I don't think he was actually seeing anything. There was certainly no response in his eyes. He has passed urine; very dark coloured...this I know is to be expected. He is still reacting to touch and pain. I gave him a shave this morning and then popped out into the garden it was quite chilly and when I came back inside and touched him he flinched at my cold hands....I DID apologise to him! Manda and I changed his dressing on his elbow in the evening; it really looks sore and he winced as we did it. I asked him quite regularly if he wanted anything to eat or drink a couple of times he licked his lips but as soon as I put the drink to his lips he turned his head away. As he isn't eating or drinking the mucus in his throat isn't bothering him as much. Just the odd phlegmy cough now and again. I think I may have forgotten to say that the Hospice Nurse said on Tuesday that they would phone me on Wednesday to sort out trying a suction machine to remove the mucus....nobody phoned.

I've been keeping busy drafting entries for the Easter Bunnies Egg Hunt.....as it WAS so chilly in the morning I didn't take Mick outside.....it actually turned out quite warm and sunny in the afternoon but by then the sun was moving off of the area that I could sit Mick in and I didn't want to sit him in the shade where it still felt quite cold.

I'm publishing this post in the early hours of Thursday morning before I go to bed.......if there is any change I'll do an update later. I wanted to put a picture on my post and decided on this one which was taken in February 2006....almost 14 months ago. I didn't have a digital camera then...this was taken with my mobile phone...not the greatest quality but a treasured memory.

Before I hit that publish button........I'd like to say once again a HUGE Thank You to all of you who are taking part in the Egg Hunt.....and for all your donations and pledges.

Força!.........(the urging to courage & strength)..........my new mantra.....(thanks Sx)

UPDATE:

7A.M. The sun is shining; Mick has roused a few times after a peaceful night's sleep. We may try and get out later and feel the sunshine on our faces and the wind in our hair.