WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE!
This post was meant to start with a comment on the weather and stories of dishwashers and cottage pie. That was what I'd planned....but then I did a blogaround.....a visit to a few of my blogfriends...just to catch up on the news. All my plans flew out of the window when I visited one particular blog. The post was about new beginnings; about the baggage of the past; about decisions for the future....what baggage do we take? ...what do we leave behind?. As I started reading it I could feel myself withdrawing from it.......I moved from "interested party" to "casual observer" over the course of a couple of paragraphs. The problem was it made me think too much...an indulgence I can ill afford. For now, at this moment, this is where I am.....I cannot...must not think of the past...the memories of happy days weaken me...those "days of yore" bring tears to my eyes.......sometimes I do write a post and tell a story from the past...a Mick & Ruth story......so many times these posts are put into draft as I compose myself enough to reach the end. Even a light hearted piece, such as I wrote on M.M.L.M.G. for the Blog-Ass Hat Awards......our cheese board story.....even that took a few hours for what was nothing more than a few paragraphs. There again, I dare not think of the future...to look ahead fills me with dread. To think NOW about how I will be emotionally, financially, socially................HUSH!
The worst of it is that sometimes I wonder who I am now.......I know I am Mick's wife and love, that's not what I mean. What I wonder is ...who is Ruth now......I have changed so much these last two years both emotionally and physically. Too many cancelled dental and optician appointments have taken their toll. My dentist is a kind man; he understands the situation and has promised not to drop me from his N.H.S. lists; something that can happen if appointments are missed. His brother was diagnosed with exactly the same tumor that Mick has in early January 2005 some 4 months before Mick......his brother never saw February 2005.
I know I have lost weight......no bad thing I know...but it's not like when you've gone on a diet and "FEEL GOOD" at your achievements......I feel tired and worn and old. I feel I have totally lost the art of conversation......I chat to Mick of course...but have lost the one to one conversation that we so often had....sometimes about trivialities...other times deep meaningful discussions..."putting the world to rights". Most days now if it wasn't for Manda I would have no interactive, face to face conversation at all. Even when I write I realise that I write in a guarded way...so rarely letting the words flow...losing the eloquence that I know used to be there...as I struggle to hold rein, hold fire, on everything I say. I cannot cope with the memories of the past, I cannot cope with thoughts of the future.......yet each moment, each second of every day I am trying to store up memories for that indefinable future!
No past....no future......just NOW!
10 visitors have commented:
Oh Ruth, I sent you hugs and great sympathy. I have appreciated so much how you maintain cheer and great good humor throughout your days, but I'm truly glad you can also share moments like this one. I think the not knowing is almost harder than the actual experience - the fear of what's to come. I believe that who RUTH is, whose spirit shines now in such adversity, will find her way!
My Dear Ruth, first of all {{{BIG HUGS}}}. Although our lives, stories,backgrounds and current situations are worlds apart, I some how feel I know and understand just how you feel right now.
Ruth you are so many things to so many people! I for one am so glad to have stumbled across you in the blogging world and know that life without your visits and visiting you (blogging of course!) would be that little less bright.
Some very clever lady told me to keep smiling today, and now I'm going to say it back! Keep smiling Ruth and know that we are all here to support you in anyway we can at anytime.
Much love and HUGE hugs xxx
I always read your posts, stop myself from replying and then come back hopefully a bit wiser!
We will do what we can to help you through the now. You are doing what you have to, need to and want to.
Let the words flow if you need to!
We will still keep on coming back!
Sometimes it might be difficult for us to read, but we can take a step back and realise that you cant just step away. So that gives me personally the strength to be here for you.
Now… a moment we sometimes neglect to see. I know you need to cling to the NOW and I think there’s nothing wrong with that, because it makes you go on day after day.
You don’t have to think about the past; those memories will be still there with you when you decide to relieve them…and about the future? Sometimes we all lose track of our present just because the future is too important, but what about the things we have right now? Don’t we miss too many things by focusing on those moments that are still too far from us? Now is ok, now is good, and it’s real and touchable and it’s ours.
But I understand your feelings; I guess all of us do. We are here for you, and as I told you before, we will be here when you have to make it through the rain. I don’t know if we will know what to do, or what to say….I only know we WILL be here just as we are now… but that’s the future and at the present I want to stay with you in the NOW.
And regarding to who you are…you are one of the best friend I’ve ever met, you are a woman with a huge heart. You are Ruth, a person who means a lot to many people and who arouses the most wonderful feelings in us. You are Ruth our friend, and it doesn’t matter the way you look but the way you are, and that my dear friend is something we celebrate every day.
This Auds really moved us today with her post, didn’t she?
Love, ani
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend
Your post today was important, Thankyou
x Auds
Aren't you all just the best friends a girl could have.
Many {{hugs}} & thanks for listening
Rx
My Dearest, I have printed out this post, I want to take it out into the warm sun to read by the river, reflect, then return here later. Just so you know...
You have nothing to prove, nothing to hide. You are all you are. Brave faces, "always look on the bight side", you do NOT have to do it for ANYONE! Remeber what I wrote you about 'weak, feeble' a few days back? Like every one of us, you are a kaleidoscope, a rainbow sum of all your experiences, emotions, circumstances. This life and not a show. It is your own sacred right & choice to share all the colours of your rainbow, or not. Regardless, you know I will always be there for you - whether it's here, there, anywhere or everywhere. Later, & (as I just wished Jenny) Força! (Portuguese for Strength! Courage! Up & at 'em!).Love, SXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
6 hours later. This is just to say that it will not be for here. It cannot be. It doesn'tfel the right medium. So, e-mail alert!!!
And to think the initial tring-tring-tring of the Alan Parsons Project made me smile.......A lot to catch up on, ASAP, promise!
Ruth, I intended to reply to this when I first read it but couldn't think of the words and even now am not sure what to say.
All i can say is that I think I understand a little of what you are feeling and that I hope my daily visits can somehow convey to you how much I've come to like you and that I want in some small way to "be there" for you whatever happens or however you feel.
Icarus; you have already proved so many times what a true friend you are.
CG;your visits ARE important to me and mean a lot.I'm lucky to have friends like you.
Post a Comment