Saturday, August 04, 2007

I've not posted on this blog for quite a while; I wish I could say it's because I'm not ranting or crying. Sadly that's not the reason. Time isn't healing at the moment and I've had some really down days. Having a couple of days out this week has helped but last week was terrible and I think I almost hit rock bottom and cried continuously for 3 days.....at one stage I didn't think I was going to pull myself out of it, but I did, so must be grateful for that. At the moment I find it so much easier to hide behind the general life on my Garden Blog......I have to try and focus on as much of the positive side of my life even if it's just something as simple a new flower in bloom. I try not to think about Mick in relation to the last two years...that wasn't MY Mick.....I just long so much for things to be normal again....but I know they never will. Even just writing that last sentence I feel my emotions welling up inside....where once it helped to share the pain I don't think I can go that route anymore. I've thought about closing this blog completely but can't bring myself to do it. If nothing else it serves as a reminder to me of the "strength" I once had.................a part of me died when I lost Mick......I have to make that part live again.
“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death"

19 visitors have commented:

Shaz said...

Oh Ruth, I know you have your family to grieve with but you also have us bloggers too. Please let us help if we can . . .a kind word, a quick email.

I understand you possibly wanting to close this blog but how about making it private for a while rather than closing it altogether. Then if you change your mind later you can open the door to the blogshere again x x x

Akelamalu said...

I'm sorry to hear you have had a bad week Ruth. This blog is part of your life - you can't close part of your life down honey, it happened it doesn't go away.

I can only imagine what it is like to lose your life partner - I think I'd die myself! But then, of course, we know that doesn't happen. Have you thought about taking something like St. John's Wort to easy the 'blackness'? I can recommend it but you must check with your doctor first as it can react with certain medications.

I feel for you m'dear, I really do, I'm sure things will get easier but it will take time. If ever you want to talk you can email me - I'm a good listener. xx

meeyauw said...

It was a bad week for you. I'm glad it's over now. I'm glad you wrote and hope you can get some rest for a moment. My thoughts are with you.

Jenny said...

I hope you don't close your blog, and keep posting from time to time. I want to know how you are doing, and I feel like I've learned so much from you - I can't really explain what I mean in full detail but you've been my teacher - so a completely selfish reason for not wanting you to stop!

Mousie/Paisible said...

I quite understand dear...so difficult to live sometimes...you are deeply tired and sad...it will take time to recover...I know such words aren't really comforting ones...may be you could close your blog for a while and wait until you feel stronger...don't hurt yourself too much by facing it...you've got another one...
I send you all my love

Auntie Noo said...

Oh my lovely lady, there are no words I can say, nothing I can do that will ever help. But you know how much I care, and how it hurts us all that you hurt so bad. It will never go away, he was and still is the other half of you, you have lost that, and that's how it is. I truly believe that you MUST allow yourself time to wallow a little in the sadness, because it's there and if you try to hide it, it will consume you. Give it some time, then when you think you have paid it due hommage, pick yourself up and dust yourself down until the next time. DOn't beat yourself up, and please don't close the blog..... it's so much part of who you are.... and it proves the strength you have.... but you are allowed bad times too...... unfortunately it's part of this rich tapestry we call life.

{{{Big Hugs}}}

RUTH said...

Thank you all so much for your support. I know I'll never get over losing Mick; he really was the most wonderful man and we were so much "us". I'm finding it very difficult to find a way forward at the moment. I hope I'll get there in the end...it's just going to take me some time.
Rx

Leanne said...

hi mum, all our lives are never going to be the same again, mick was such a wonderful person and would of done anything for anyone,as we would of for him. i miss him so much still and everyday i talk away to him, and he's answered me in his own special way. he's always going to be part of us and one day we'll be together again. love you loads and big hugs xxxx

Allotment Lady said...

To have this blog - a special but different place - is just what you need for now.

There will come a time when it will have run its course and served you well, and only you will know when that time has come.

To have it here - as a cushion is a good thing - and to be able to release some of the turmoil on here is part of the healing process.

Some days will be better than others - and you may not feel so at times- but you are really achieving so much.

It is good to have your 'other life' on your other blogs. It gives you a routine and purpose.

And of course we love them.

Always in our thoughts - you are not alone

Claire said...

You dont have to get over Mick, you have every right to feel like crap and miss him like hell!

You can rant, rave, wail, cry, scream all you want and need. Just know that somehow, some day it will at least feel a bit better and i personally love you to bits! Any support that this blog offers you even if its writing down your feelings no matter how dark, will help in some small way.

Hugs to you!

Gillian @ Indigo Blue said...

Thinking of you. It must be so hard to lose him. I feel for you Ruth, I guess to sound cliche, time will be the only factor here that will help heal you.
xoxo
Blue
(Death can't take your memories, or your love away. That is so true.)

Mauigirl said...

Ruth, I'm so sorry it is so hard...but if you and Mick hadn't had such a wonderful relationship then it wouldn't be, would it. Sadly, we pay for the good things in life by the depth of the pain when they are no longer in our lives. But as the quotation so eloquentlly put it, love is stronger than death.

I hope this blog helps you let out your feelings and know that others are here supporting you. And I'm glad you've been keeping up your garden blog, because as you know it helps to celebrate the beauty that is still in the world despite everything.

Gledwood said...

not died ... just sleeping

Icarus said...

Dearest dear Ruth. Here I am again (a bad penny?).
What srikes me hardest (and with synchronicity, given what you & both know of what we are both separately going through) is the part when you talk about thinkning of closing this blog down completely, and your reason why not. It rings so much with something I just wrote in a comment to Auds, after finding what she said about T & A W. I too, honestly, kkep thinking back 12 months & 6 months, knowing that T & A W kind of charts my own transformation from strong to defenceless & fragile.
And here we are, both in deep pain, for our own reasons, and showing how it is. If only we could carry each other through it, but it doesn't work like that.
As for closing A Million Words, only you can know. You have to do what you want to do, but as long as it can still do you any good at all, then do not close it. I think it is as simple as that.
I would suggest thinking about what I have chosen to do with "The Flames", though. By writing in it as if it was a private diary, writing in it only for me, but really not minding who reads it, it is liberating and has a new value. What do you think?
Your experience since Mick is fully understandable and natural. It is like this: Imagine you are looking at the Mona Lisa, the whole painting, with the countryside in the far distance, but she occupies all of the foreground. Now, imagine going back to it next time and everything is in the painting EXCEPT Mona Lisa. Mick has been in the very centre of your life, right in the foreground. His absence from his position has left a much greater void to you than Mona Lisa would. It can only hurt, as you adjust and come to terms with this new landscape.
I can't kid myself, I know it is easier for me to advise than take my own. But the situations can nver be identical. And I do want you to keep the faith for the struggle to find a better, more bearable space in which life - your life - has meaning and purpose again. Time is everything in all this.
Rest well. And eat your sorbet!

Kisses & love,

stewXXXXXXXXXx

Anonymous said...

All my love and thoughts are with you, dear Ruth xxx
Julie xxx

Audrey said...

Ruth (((hugs)) Ive sat and read your words so many times now, there is strength in your words, youve written openly and honestly about just how difficult the grieving process can be, the doubts followed by the gratitude. I can only suggest that knowing how lonely this journey is at times, the waves hit, the fall and rise you may need somewhere to lay it down in black and white, the acknowledgement that youve felt like youve hit rock bottom, but come up again,and though we cannot be there in that private, very personal space, we are here to hold you if only by listening,acknowledging and hopefully comforting a little.

Be gentle with yourself, you have already had so much adjusting to do, you are not ranting and your tears though painful are healing and accepted with deep respect by those who care about you.

Now you beautiful lady, would that be raspberry or mango sorbet you would desire XXX Auds

RUTH said...

So many comforting words from such wonerful people. Many of you have your own demons to fight and it is with deep affection that I write my thanks. Icarus's analogy to the Mona Lisa painting rings so true; the void is so great and will never disappear. Hopefully little by little the landscape that is my life will help to fill that void and turn the barren wasteland to a field of gold.
Rx

Dirty Butter said...

I ache for you as I read how upset you've been, but it sounds very familiar to me, personally. I hope you choose not to close this blog, as this is where I come to find out how you're REALLY feeling. Your garden blog is beautiful and peppy, but there's so much more to your life than that. Use this blog as a place to vent, cry, or whatever. It's still part of you, and part of Mick.

Love and lots of HUGS!!

Elsie said...

I can only agree with all the things everybody said, Ruth.

Take time to heal no matter how long it takes and do not close this blog. It is a part of your life and you have put so much of your emotions about the last months of Mick's life into it.

Through it you have reached and taught so many people about caring, sharing and love.


Lcxx