LAUGHTER AND TEARS

The girls have all gone home now. It's been lovely having them here; I was especially pleased that Leanne could stay over last night. It's been difficult for her not being here where we all feel Mick's presence. With three children at home and no other adult in the house she has not had a chance to truly show her grief. I'm so glad that, thanks to Chris "childsitting", she was able to come over and join myself, Lynn and Manda as we laughed and cried with our memories. We shed many, many tears but feeling Mick around us we also giggled like schoolgirls remembering so many of those special "Mick moments".

I'm looking forward to the weekend; there is so much gardening that hasn't been done yet and because it is the weekend all those official letters and phone calls I still have to make can be put on hold until offices reopen on Monday. Mick and I were just an ordinary couple, no vast savings accounts, or hundreds of stocks and shares yet the paperwork that will be involved is incredible. The registrar gave me a list of things I should do. I'm glad she did as it would probably not have crossed my mind to notify the Passport Office or the Driver's Licensing Department.

I can't believe a week has almost past; this time last week I had just finished watching the TV gardening programmes with Mick by my side..........

I was hoping to email and personally thank all the bloggers who had sent emails and left such wonderful comments over the last few days but the list would just be too long. I have emailed a few of the people who contributed to the lovely booklet that Denise had compiled:

Sylvia,

Kai,

Julie,

Sheila,

Talj

Gillian

Denise.. (I have actually spoken to on the phone a couple of times and she has the most brilliant video on her post today (13th) ....we roared with laughter!!! You must take a look.....click HERE.)

unfortunately some of them do not have an email facility on their blog so;

Scarecrow and Doc

Annie in Little Rock

Lori Schmidt

Dot

Lilymarlene

"Thank you for the wonderful words you each wrote; your kind and loving thoughts are treasured by us all."

and the same message to all of you who have emailed and commented. If I could cyberwhisk you all here on 25th April when Mick makes his final journey I would, so that I could hug each and every one of you!

There have also been two new comments from Tom on my Art, Art, wherefore art thou art? post. If you are reading this Tom I can't pick up a link from your comments so if you could email me (see my profile page) or leave your blog address I would be much obliged.

I hope you've all been casting your votes on the Easter Egg Hunt.....it's been such a success and raised £109..........now that's put another smile on my face!

THE POST WITHIN A POST

I knew this morning was going to be difficult, thanks to Chris offering to go to Leanne's to stay with the children, myself, Lynn, Leanne and Mandy were able to go to the registrars and the funeral directors as a family unit. It was the first time that I had been to the registrars since Mick and I got married... Such is the fickle hand of fate. The registrar was courteous and sympathetic but even so when I saw the word "Widow" written on the certificate the enormity of no longer being known as "Mick's wife" hit me hard. The rest of the meeting passed in a blur but the one shining light was the fact that the registrar agreed to acknowledge that Mick passed away on the 6th. Having now got the official certificate we then had to go to the funeral directors to confirm the date of Mick's funeral being the 25th April. Much form filling and name signing later Leanne and I separately went to see Mick. I know you will all understand if I do not go into details... When I left I needed to get home, back to our garden. We were all feeling rather somber but as so often happens in moments like these a small ray of sunshine was waiting for us in the form of...

Lynn, Leanne and Mandy taking over this post for a while to say a huge thank you for all the heart felt messages in this special gift which came at a time that we needed them most; it is a gift we shall treasure forever. It makes us all proud to know how much Dad's life touched so many others. There are not enough words to say how grateful we are that Mum has the love and support of so many wonderful people. Even though we have never met you personally it is nice to know that there are special, amazing, thoughtful bloggers that care so much. Mum has printed out all the emails and comments that she has received which we have all read and have been deeply moved by. Ourselves and Mum have spent an afternoon full of tears and laughter reminiscing about Dad and all our fantastic memories of an always happy, everloving, devoted Father.

Right it is me back again, I must tell you about the fun evening I have had watching Leanne's endeavours to solve the last clue of the Easter Hunt Challenge.

INTENSE CONCENTRATION

With some help from her two sisters she managed to "crack" the code. With great "eggs-citement" Leanne "scrambled" her answers off to Claire. She was "boiling" with glee. I have been very good and did not let her "poach" any answers off of me... Hopefully there are enough eggs jokes there and you go off home and finish the Easter Egg Hunt just to keep me quiet...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

N.H.S. (No Heart Service)

Well we got the Death Certificate...the powers that be have decided that Mick passed away on the 7th April despite the fact WE know and the Doctor who verified knows it was the 6th. It seems because of the fact we had to wait for over 2 hours before the Doctor came to see Mick and by then it was the early hours Saturday morning, that as far as his records are concerned that is the day he died. We are all very upset at this; we all felt that Mick had decided when it should be and waited until the end of a very special, happy family day...waited until the children had gone home...waited until he and I had our few special hours together. What ever the certificate says as far as we are concerned and what I shall tell anyone who asks is that the date of Mick's last journey was GOOD FRIDAY 6TH APRIL 2007. It upset me deeply; it felt as though that special day and special moment had been stolen from us by bureaucracy.

What made it worse was the insensitivity of our doctor when he phoned to tell me the certificate was ready. He told me to come to the surgery and pick it up and then said "Where's the BODY". Even just typing it brings tears to my eyes. There are a hundred ways he could have asked,...who's taking care of your husband?....which funeral director have you chosen?.....I'm sure you can think of another 98 ways without being so brutal and cruel. This is the same doctor who when Mick had terrible headaches, started to become incontinent, couldn't walk in a straight line without guidance, couldn't see clearly and felt permanently giddy told us that Mick had an ear infection....and continued to treat him for this despite continuous weekly appointments at his surgery. What a callous, cold blooded apology for a human being our doctor is.

My stress levels are rising and rising. I want to grieve and cry but I am so damned angry!!!!! I could accept feeling angry at losing Mick...that would be natural...a natural process of grief and loss; but my whole being is being eaten away by the anger I feel at this so called doctor and the whole of our local NHS.

It was so nice when Steve (Lynn's hubby) turned up, although the poor man must have thought he'd turned up into a war zone as Lynn and I were so stressed out......his big "man" cuddle made us both feel a lot better.

Still at least now we have been able to make an appointment with the registrar and the funeral directors for tomorrow and so by the end of Thursday we should feel a lot calmer as the NHS should by then be totally out of the system...providing of course that TWO doctors DO go to the funeral directors and grant permission for a cremation!!!!! It seems they have to certify that no "foul play" has taken place.....I think the only foul play involved was that done by the NHS!!!!

To help lower my stress levels and hopefully my blood pressure...the rate we are going I'll be needing to increase my own dosage!!!.......we went to a garden centre. One of my blogfriends, Julie, had sent me a lovely card which included some Garden Gift Vouchers so that I could buy something special for the garden....isn't that such a lovely thing to do!!!!!

Nothing "caught my eye"....I'll know when I see the "right" thing...but while we were there I thought I'd take advantage of having some car drivers about and picked up 4 bags of compost and 3 bags of shingle. These would be difficult things for me to buy and transport home.

Ha..Ha...no one knew I had my camera with me and don't know I took these shots!!!!..as I lingered behind them! A little bit of silliness and light relief!

I have had a phone call from the lady who will be conducting Mick's service...she will be coming to the house on Monday morning to talk about Mick, music and readings. I'll tell you more about that when the final decisions have been made.

Steve has now gone home (after a good roast lamb dinner) and Lynn and I have been round to Manda's house for a short while. It seemed so strange as although she only lives around the corner we haven't been able to get into her house due to the steepness of the steps. I'm finding my own "small steps" quite difficult...it doesn't seem the same without Mick.

It did mean, though, that I saw the Forsythia in bloom that Mick and I had given Manda some years ago.......she says it has never flowered as well as it has this year....very special.

And for the first time I have taken a sunset photo from a garden other than our own.............
I hope you are all enjoying the Easter Egg Hunt; only a few more clues to go!!!!!

SHORT BUT SWEET

Just a short post, will catch up with things during the week. Lynn will be arriving shortly; it will be the first time I've seen her since I lost Mick. You can be sure there will be plenty of hugs and plenty of tears but in true "Mick" fashion we will have plenty of laughs!

I've been printing out some flyers and posters for her for the Pledge Bank...she is going to take them to work next week and spread the word about the Clatteridge Campaign. If anyone would like to print some themselves you'll find the link in the sidebar of The Easter Bunnies Egg Hunt.

I've also been into town...well just the one shop....my friend Sue was going to Roys and I thought I'd go with her. It seemed so strange going without Mick; I've not set foot outside the house without him for almost 2 years. I did enjoy the shopping expedition but did start to get a bit jittery after a little while and wanted to go home. I think "going out" is something I will have to do in small doses...one step at a time. It's so strange that I could push Mick up the steepest hill yet without him my legs were like jelly.

I've done a little gardening...OF COURSE!!! and no doubt tonight will be eating well.....I'll have to or get nagged by Lynn!!!

Thank you once more for all the lovely comments and emails that are continuing to come in

Rx

A GREY DAY....A GLIMMER OF SUNSHINE

Yesterday was a strange sort of day.......I don't feel that I actually did anything yet somehow the day disappeared. I think I went into "wandering" mode.... I'm a bit "Mother Hennish" around Mick at the moment...even more so than usual. He is still not eating or drinking and has had a lot of problems with the mucus in his throat; his breathing pattern has changed slightly too. He has also not passed urine at all. He has intermittantly opened his eyes wide but as much as I like to see him with his eyes open I would rather he slept peacefully than be coughing and choking. I must admit I have stolen a few kisses and gentle hugs......I needed them.

Another "crazy" Doctor's Surgery story......I phoned up the Chemist to see if Mick's prescription was in...it wasn't..so I phoned the Docs to see when it might be ready.....it seems that despite our Doctor's Surgery being fully equipped with computers...they don't have a PRINTER...so all prescription requests have to be sent to a surgery the other side of town to be printed out, then sent back to our surgery for signing before they get sent to the Chemists. Now I understand why it takes so long to get a prescription filled...all that to-ing and fro-ing must take up so much time and workforce.... Why have computers and NO printer???? Crazy!!!

It probably didn't help my mood much that the weather was gloomy and cold and we didn't get out into the garden at all. However it really cheered me up when I saw that not only had there been visitors to the Easter Egg Hunt, but there had also been some sign ups in the Mr Linky boxes, some comments,a poem and some jokes! Best of all there has even been a donation!!!! I'm really hoping that this will continue........I'd like to think that the money that is raised will mean that one day, in years to come, we were all a cog in the wheel that cured or prevented cancer. I don't want future generations to have to go through what Mick and I are going through.

So if you haven't already paid it a visit please do; new "fun things" will be added all the time and each day there will be new "eggs" to find. Even if you don't wish to donate at least join us and have a bit of fun........go on ...we've even laid on transport....just click on the car!

DOWNS AND UPS

My parents always told me that when I was eating a meal that I should eat what I don't like first and leave what I do like to the end. I still to an extent do that to this day...though there aren't many foods that I can honestly say I DON'T like. I'm telling you this because that's what I'm doing today with this post....I'm telling you the bits I don't like first.

Mick is still not eating or drinking properly. He managed a little porridge but besides that just wasn't interested at all. If I try to get him to drink he seems to clench his teeth...he just doesn't want it. I was really worried about his complete lack of liquid intake so I phoned the McMillan Hospice in Bury St Edmunds. I don't want Mick to suffer because of his dehydration. The lady I spoke to was very nice and explained that in some ways it is kinder not to try to make Mick drink as this will make him more sleepy; and when he sleeps he is at peace. This did may sense to me although I saw it as the harbinger of doom. I know that if Mick was feeling hungry or thirsty that he would TRY to eat and drink. I guess the stage has come when he no longer feels the need. I won't say any more about it...what is there to say?

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On to more cheerful things...we had a lovely trip over to the school Manda works at; she had some items to collect and asked the headmistress if we could go and see the schools vegetable patch, pond and wildlife area.While we waited in our garden for Manda, Chris and Nicole to arrive I made sure Mick had a good view of his Camellia...there are only a few flowers out at the moment but at least 30 more in bud.There are a few more photos of the vegetable patch on M.M.L.M.G.; this one is of the cut flower garden the sweet peas are already in and there are some Chrysanthemums shooting through to.

The pond and wildlife area is in need of a revamp.....under different circumstances I know Mick and I would get it "sorted"!

When we returned home the weather was still so lovely, bright sunshine and an almost warm breeze. We stayed outside until well into the afternoon, me pottering about and Mick dozing and intermittently peeking at me. It was a lovely day; one for the memory book.

Now for the really EGG-citing stuff;..........................Claire had the EGG-cellent idea of doing a Blog Easter Egg Hunt to try and raise awareness and hopefully some money for the Clatteridge Cancer Campaign. We passed the idea by Talj who was EGGs-tremely EGG-cited and so Claire and I have gone ahead and YOU can all be part of it!!!! Up until this moment even Talj doesn't know what we've actually done! So get that clicking finger of yours ready, aim your cursor at the cute little bunny and join in with all the fun of

THE EASTER BUNNIES EGG HUNT