TURNING MY BACK ON LADY LUCK

I don't write here much about how I'm feeling it's just all too depressing and I do my best to switch off and think about something else when the "Blues" hit; as they invariably do. Today though I got extra upset...and why?...because I cancelled our Lottery Subscription. Yes I know it sounds silly and it had to be done..I really can't afford it anymore...but it was as though I was losing another memory and turning my back on a chance to live one of our dreams. The chances of winning the lottery are VERY remote but in the past, for a few moments each Wednesday and Saturday night Mick and I could dream...till the WRONG numbers came up that is! We never really expected to become fully fledged millionaires...we just wanted enough to buy a small cottage with plenty of land, start up a nursery and help the family. I still each week as the numbers are drawn hear Mick's voice in my head saying "I'm just a Jenner; but win me a tenner!" and remember well all our "fantasy" talks about what we'd do if we won. But as I say, it had to be done. I'm hoping to get a place on a Higher Education Teaching, Humanities and Social Sciences course...even with concessions for my low income I've got to pay out quite a wodge...and I've not yet had permission from my landlady to have a water meter installed so still forking out a sixth of my income on my water bill.

I have a meeting on Tuesday to find out what the course entails. I'm really nervous but have to do something to give me more options when I try to find a job. I'm hoping that it will also give me the chance to meet new people and learn to interact with the public again. I may even have a few conversations about things that DON'T upset me. At the moment most of my chats with the outside world are with the DHSS, doctors, CAB or debt collectors.........not particularly enjoyable. I just hope everyone's as friendly as they are in Blogworld.

Now I just need to FORGET our lottery numbers the way I forget where I've put my glasses!!!!!!!

“Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; This is good luck”
~Buddha~

BLOGGING FOR ROSE

As many of you know I have in my own small way tried to raise money and awareness for the Clatterbridge Cancer Centre and endeavoured to help Talj and Andrew towards their goal of £5000. You may have taken part in my "100 comments" or the Easter Egg Hunt yourselves. For that I thank you. Thanks to friends and relatives a further amount was raised at Mick's funeral and I was fortunate enough to meet Talj and Andi themselves when Talj came to stay with me for a few days. Even the Grand National played it's party...what an exciting day that was!

Well the day of the Britball Run has finally dawned.....Talj has worked so hard in preparation for this and I wish both she and Andi well over the next three gruelling days. May they have sunshine and laughter and NOT GET LOST!!!!!

ROSE EMMA McGILL
26th January 1984 – 11th November 2006

Today Rose’s Father, Andrew, and his best friend, Natalya, are setting off on a 3 day, 1,000 mile fundraising event in memory of Rose.

Right from the start it has been their intention to use their fundraising activities as a way of sharing Rose and her beautiful smile with all who read about her.

Rose was an up and coming designer and was featured at the New Designers Exhibition in London in June 2006. Sadly, that same month the family was devastated when Rose was diagnosed with a Grade 4 malignant brain tumour. Following surgery to remove the tumour treatment was started straight away and on 26th October 2006 Rose graduated with honours from Liverpool Hope University. Just two weeks later Rose was admitted to hospital and sadly passed away on 11th November 2006.

As Andrew and Natalya navigate around the UK, bloggers across the world are coming together to help them share Rose’s story and her wonderful smile.


Please click on these words if you'd like to read more about the Britball Event

After worrying all week about the appointment today it turned out to be nothing at all. All they wanted to know was whether I could drive a car and what my last job was so that it could be entered on the DHSS computer for future reference.. Even I got through those questions with no trouble and was out again within minutes.

I hear on the news that two more Suffolk based members of our military forces have been killed in the last few days (one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan). Once again my problems seem insignificant compared to grief of their families. At least Mick was safe and secure in my arms as he said farewell to this life.

On a brighter note; today was the wedding day of Mick's niece Sarah......may she and Ben have many long years of happiness ahead of them.

"Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal."

~Louis K. Anspacher~

MY NEW MANTRA

One of my dearest friends Icarus is writing his Flames of Eden blog as an open but personal diary in which he is relating the events of his life that brought him to his present tenuous position. In his latest post he quoted from Tennyson's "Ulysses" and emailed me telling me to take special note of these words,

"Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'

We are not now that strength which, in old days,

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and NOT TO YIELD!".

A much longer mantra than "Força" but words that I must remember. I had to go to the doctors on Monday; it was a locum and so I had to try an explain my "problems" at the moment.....it was a difficult visit....having to speak to a stranger about how I'm feeling brought me to tears...however my "weakness" (for want of a better word) actually did me a favour as she signed me off from work for a further 4 months. Hopefully this will take the pressure off of me for an appointment I have tomorrow. I have been summoned by our local Job Centre to discuss arrangements for my finding a job......even though I'm signed off from work I still have to attend or they say they will cease my Bereavement Benefit......I know that whatever my resolve I'm going to end up in tears and am already feeling quite sick at the thought of sitting discussing my future with yet another stranger. It's ironic really; because I am signed off from work I should be able to receive Incapacity Benefit which would increase my current income of £58 ....however because I was caring for Mick the National Insurance contributions I was credited as a Carer were at the lower rate which means I don't qualify. I know I'm lucky to live in a country where ANY financial help is available but I'm saddened to think that Carer's are being penalised for CARING!

I've not posted on this blog for quite a while; I wish I could say it's because I'm not ranting or crying. Sadly that's not the reason. Time isn't healing at the moment and I've had some really down days. Having a couple of days out this week has helped but last week was terrible and I think I almost hit rock bottom and cried continuously for 3 days.....at one stage I didn't think I was going to pull myself out of it, but I did, so must be grateful for that. At the moment I find it so much easier to hide behind the general life on my Garden Blog......I have to try and focus on as much of the positive side of my life even if it's just something as simple a new flower in bloom. I try not to think about Mick in relation to the last two years...that wasn't MY Mick.....I just long so much for things to be normal again....but I know they never will. Even just writing that last sentence I feel my emotions welling up inside....where once it helped to share the pain I don't think I can go that route anymore. I've thought about closing this blog completely but can't bring myself to do it. If nothing else it serves as a reminder to me of the "strength" I once had.................a part of me died when I lost Mick......I have to make that part live again.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death"