Monday, December 11, 2006

SECS (secateurs), (grey) SKIES AND VIDEOTAPES!

All my good intentions of Mick and I taking a trip to the Dairy Stores and posting my Dads and Sisters Christmas parcels faded when I looked outside at the weather. Although Mick has a waterproof cape it's not long enough to cover his legs and I knew he would have got soaked if we had ventured out. Once again Superheroes Manda and Chris came to the rescue. Before she started work Manda popped over to the cash point (needed money for postage and also haircuts tonight) and got me some money out. I THINK it may have made her a few minutes late. I did offer to write a note to her Headmistress but Manda reckoned she was a bit old for "Notes from her Mum".

The impending cloud.
Chris (my hero) then popped round to collect the parcels to trek down to the post office. It was starting to rain quite heavily by then and I told him to leave it but in true HERO style he insisted on going.


Now tomorrow is Brown Bin (garden rubbish) day and the bin was only half full (or should that be half empty) and seeing how the wind was blowing about the remaining cannas in the garden and the carpet rose which I had not pruned; I thought I would brave the elements and get outside to do some more pruning. Donning my sou'wester (light raincoat actually) and wellies (would you believe flip-flops!); intercom in my pocket (so I can hear if Mick coughs or anything); Mick safely snuggled in front of the TV (Bobby Charlton Story video - more about that later) and secateurs in hand I went outside. No Fairweather Gardener am I! It was actually quite warm; just very wet and windy. Well to cut a long story short - makes a change eh! - I got the job done. A few people did go by and I had comments ranging from "Good weather for ducks!" to "Are you f....ing MAD!". I smiled sweetly, singing to myself "Raindrops are falling off my nose; Wind's blown my hair; I look like a scarecrow"

I put the bin out ready for collection and came inside; changed my clothes and made Mick and I a nice hot chocolate drink. Typing that has reminded me of something I must tell you. Mick has/had a great singing voice but sometimes he would get the words a little wrong. Whenever he sang Hot Chocolates' "I believe in miracles" he would always sing the next line as "Where's your bra, you sexy thing!". It took years and much family persuasion for him to admit that he had got the words wrong. Secretly though I think HIS words were more fun!!!!!


Now I did say I'd come back to the Bobby Charlton tape. Now my Dad often scours the church jumble sales for football related video tapes for Mick too watch/listen too. It is really sweet of him to do it and we often get a parcel through the post with 2 or 3 tapes in. I'm going to have to tell you a little about my Dad's character for you to fully appreciate this story. He is Ex-army - old school Sargent Major type. Very Victorian strict; very upright and religious (to the point of hypocrisy); always right; farting and smutty humour is only alright if HE does it and very much a "DO AS I TELL YOU; NOT AS I DO" sort of person. Lat week I got a phone call from him. He was in a state of panic. "Are those videos ok I sent you" he said. "Sure Dad" I replied "Why do you ask?". He said "Well I'd got myself one about the history of the S.A.S. and when I went to watch it someone must have taped over it because it was a PORN FILM!" I tried not to snigger; the idea of my Dad buying a porn film from the CHURCH jumble sale somehow appealed to my sense of humour. "Oh dear" I responded, stuffing a handkerchief in my mouth to stop me from laughing "What the WHOLE TAPE was porn?". "Oh yes " he said "I watched it all to make sure!", (more tissues stuffed in my mouth). Being a dutiful daughter I mumbled "Oh dear what a terrible shock; I hope you've got rid of it". He replied "Well No that's why I'm ringing you. Do you think I should phone the VICE SQUAD. I mean something's got to be done about it but I'm in a quandary because I don't want the church RAIDED by squads of policemen!!! It would be in all the newspapers!!!!". I suggested that maybe it would be an idea to have a quiet word with the vicar as he would probably know how to deal with the situation. This seemed to appease dad and I've heard from him since and this is what he did. The vicar is going to keep close eye on any future videos that are sent into the church sales and has asked my Dad if he would be willing to VET them for a while as it possibly was just a "one off" and the donator may have bought the tape second hand and sent it to the church without watching it first.


Mick actually fell asleep watching this so I am assuming that there was nothing "spicy" on this one.

2 visitors have commented:

Mile Stones said...

A brilliant, tragi-comic story! I'm trying to imagine my Dad's reaction if that had happened to him. I wouldn't have needed the hanks, at least not for my mouth.
I'm also trying to imagine the link between 'miracles' and 'bra'...nope, it won't happen!
But I do have a link between 'football' and 'bra' (one for Mick). Back in early-90s London, when Channel were inspired to start showing live Italian league football every Sunday afternoon, I became a big fan. They would show Juventus games quite often, and as my eyes took in the whole scene around the pitch, I gradually became aware that in one spot in the stands, at every game, there would be a giant banner that proclaimed "Juventus Club Bra", when the excitement dipped, i wasgiven to musing over the incredible notion of this item for the Juve lady fans, proudly wearing a black & white striped bra under their team-shirt. And why. And why not? I pointed it out to Ana, to friends & it became a big topic.
Then one day, the explanation came in the 'Guardian'....the banner belonged to the Juve fans from a village outside Turin. Name? You've got it! Bra. Hahahahaha!! So, Errol singing "Where you from, you sexy thing?" in Turin may well have evinced the straight-faced, honest answer: "Bra". Over & out!

Mile Stones said...

PS...I forgot to type 4 after Channel...over-excited. Or just over-tired. Byeeeeee!