Monday, January 22, 2007

BLUE MONDAY

Do you ever have those "things" that rankle away at you for days and months, even years, and you find they get to the stage when you can't stick them into the deepest recesses of your mind any longer. They have grown and festered and the time has come when you know that soon they will either erupt, or, so consume you in such a way that every moment of every day the "thing" is sitting there behind your eyes; the pressure so hard that you feel the constant pricking of tears. Such it is with me at the moment and my only outlet is to turn to my blog. I could just write it down on a scrap of paper and "get it out of my system"; I mean I'm not looking for sympathetic comments or anything like that; I just need to scream it out loud and have someone listen. From the comments that I do get I know the people who read this are not the sort of people who would make anyone feel the way I do at the moment....so by blogging I'm really preaching to the converted.............but just maybe you're sitting in your office, having a quick Blogaround during your lunch hour, maybe you know your work colleague across the desk from you is putting someone in the situation I am in; if so leave this page open for a while.....maybe they will be curious enough to read it....perhaps then they will DO something about it in relation to their own family.
I bet you're screaming at your computer screen now .....WELL WHAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!....SO HERE GOES.
We have some members of the family who are unable to cope with Mick's condition. The idea of seeing him "as he is" is totally abhorrent to them. There is no way they could walk through our front door and SEE him. I have no problem with that....none of us WANT to see him as he is.... Unfortunately these members of the family also seem to find that "picking up a phone" or "sending a conciliatory text" is also beyond them. Now I'm not talking about DISTANT family members; the ones I'm talking about are those, who in the family hierarchy, I would consider as deemed "CLOSE". We have one family member who has not phoned, text, sent a Christmas or Birthday card since October 2005; I think I may have mentioned him before. Other people have now gone a YEAR without even phoning to see how things are going........... I think this is appalling!!! I only have to hear someone has a cough or a cold and the first thing I do is see if I can help. There are days when if Manda didn't come round I would NEVER speak to another human being face to face who ANSWERED me. I speak to Mick endlessly of course but it's a one sided conversation. Lynn, Leanne and Ron text and phone all the time I know.....but sometimes it would be nice to hear about what is going on in the lives of other sectors of the family........to hear about what's going on with their children, how their gardens are doing (Mick and I were always their font of all knowledge in that department), to hear about their holidays, to just feel that we were not being completely ostracised as though suddenly we didn't exist, to not feel that their thoughts are "well Mick can't do our decorating now, Ruth can't come and do our gardens, they can't babysit for us now........LET'S JUST IGNORE THEM.......WHY SHOULD WE WASTE OUR TIME OFFERING SHOPPING HELP OR ANYTHING WHEN THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING IN RETURN............ I can assure you that Mick and I have "done our bit" for them beyond the call of duty in times past.
It hurts so much...................far more than the fact that the NHS don't give a damn about our situation. I am so glad that Mick doesn't realise how these people are acting...or should I say NOT acting. He would be devastated to think that he and I mean so little that even out of common decency some people NEVER contact me. Neither of us would ever want people to feel that they need to do anything as a "DUTY" but it's heartbreaking to think that these people would no doubt "rally round" if one of their neighbours broke an arm or something. We know that from firsthand experience of things they have done in the past for their "friends". We had always thought that we were "friends" as well as relatives. I've learnt different now.
I suppose the fact that I started Blogging has in it's own way made their actions seem so intolerable; some of you reading this take the time and trouble to drop by regularly to see how Mick is yet you've never even met him! Often there will be comments telling me to take care of myself and offering words of support, other times little snippets of your own lives will be left which help me to feel part of the outside world...yet you've never even met me either!
I'm sorry that you've had to read through all this rant and I appreciate you sticking with it..........the last few days I have felt those earlier mentioned tears pricking constantly...and writing this has helped me so much..........those tears managed to get to full flow mode as I typed...it's what I needed........so onwards and upwards............a new day beckons.

Back to events in our little world. Mick seemed to be chewing something yesterday. I couldn't work out what it was that I had given him that entailed so much chewing...........I had to risk loosing a few fingers but finally managed to get it out of his mouth..........it was a TOOTH.......my poor darling........he must have had a loose tooth for ages but couldn't tell me..........he had a very flushed face a couple of days ago................this explains why! I wish I could clean his teeth properly...........it's impossible though. I am just so glad that he hadn't swallowed it.........he could have choked so badly. I'm pleased to say the TOOTH FAIRY came and left him £5.............she must have thought it was a very special tooth...........I'm sure the going rate is usually only £1. I'll make sure he gets a little treat with the money. He hasn't wanted to eat and drink this morning...it could be that his mouth is very sore..............now I know his tooth was loose I'm so proud of the way he has been managing to eat for the past few days!
Today is Kitchenshower day and I now he'll enjoy that. He always sleeps so peacefully afterwards. Then tomorrow Ron and Brenda are coming to visit. I've made a Marmalade Cake this morning.............they always bring lunch with them so I like to make something in return. Really shouldn't have been moaning earlier should I?...........We have Manda & co, Lynn & co, Leanne & co, Ron & co and Sue..........................why do I let the rest get to me?????
I found this little video and having written about Mick and the tooth fairy thought you may like to see it.......................



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............isn't that sweet!

6 visitors have commented:

Mile Stones said...

Look who's here??????? And right on cue, it seems. Not a moment too soon. Ruth, I'ver left them all behind long ago. I am sure I wrote you some time, back in the beginning of "us" about my knowledge and feelings about exactly what you have released here. Of course, during my mum's 6-and-a-half years of vegetating, waiting from 1984 to 1990, there wasn't the merest drop of inkling of internets and blogs. Don't recall anyone having a mobile phone back then either. Certainly not me the luddite technophobic. But having just read your thoughts on the deserters, my anger wells up again, almost as fresh as back in 1988, 89, 90. How could lifelong friends dare to go on calling themselves "friends" when they could tell her son to his face: "I just can't bare to see her like she is now. I prefer to remember her as she used to be. It's so terrible". And so on top of our pain, my mother's suffering, we inevitably had to add deep, unforgettable anger; an outrage that never left me and was stored up and spewed eloquently out to any of them - friends & family - who had acted as you are now experiencing, when the time and occasion came. Not loud, vicious, vulgar, but powerfully articulated until they wept, as they had to sit and listen to what they had done, the crimes they had committed by turning away when faced with that greatest of trials of friendship or family relationship.
What is it that makes it happen? Mostly, it's fear of their own vulnerability. But not only. It is insensitivity, inhumanity, selfishness. But Ruth, now you know what these family are capable & incapable of, surely like me you write them off? Surely you know that you are better off without them, because it is done, out in the open and seeing them in their true colours makes you realise that you are better off without them, no matter the cost, the added hardship? But I know full well, nothing can really alleviate the hurt to you of having that knowledge?
Last summer was different for me, even though Leonor had one or two dropped-out close old friends. She knew who she wanted and needed. And she had them. And this time, I had the internet, the blog, e-mail, pc phone. And a world of goodness pouring in its support every day. Remember what I wrote you the other day, from my mum the philosopher of Whitechapel? "Yes is yes and no is no". There it is, another way of dividing humanity into 2 camps. Those who've got a heart & know what to do with it; and those who don't & don't.
You take very good care now. They are not worth your energy. And I like to think that one day, they will know what they have NOT done...
Peaceful, golden slumbers to you both. It does me some good to share your anger and very much good to know you. Bless you, SXXX

Audrey said...

Ruth,

Its 12.22am, had quite a long busy day today, Not long home, and so glad I visited your blog first tonight. What you describe must be so painful some days and as you say it builds and rankles away. Its so alien to everything you know,believe in and express through your very caring nature. Im truly humbled by reading this and feel priveledged that you share this so openly and honestly, Im pleased to read the tears flowed, you know I mean that well, it can bring such relief and I sit with you in the silence and honour them, bourne of deep pain, yet healing for now. This Ruth is not a rant!!!!

As for the following tale about Mick and the tooth fairies visit, firstly, glad Mick was able to manouvere it out of his mouth, and secondly cant wait to hear what his treat will be, loved the video too.:))

Sending you a soft snuggly blanket, so you and Mick can cuddle in, its spun with love and hopes of a lovely day tommorrow. Onwards and upwards as you say

Love to you both x x x

crpitt said...

Lol! to the tooth fairy video it made me laugh!
As to the well deserved rant, i mean if you dont deserve a bloody good rant! who does?
As to the unmentionables!!! that you mentioned what can i say? except if they can really shut that part of themselves off then they need to look in mirror an decide if they like what they see! but of course they wont! because they just dont think the same as us!
Its all very well to say that people cope with illness and death in their own way and some people cant cope with it, but how does that help you, me or anyone?
I wish they could read this blog and truley understand it, but they wouldnt, talking about pressure sores and complan would make them feel uncomfrtable! cheeeky buggers!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Its their loss and we get you to be part of your instead.
Claire xx
I feel better now! hope you do too!

RUTH said...

Well there's an instant cheer up...MileStones back on my blog...another case of serendipity eh! MS.....
After I posted this piece I heard on the news that yesterday really was Blue Monday as it's classed as the most depressing day of the year!!! I may not be getting out into the outside world but I'm sure still picking up its vibes!
Thanks to you MS, Auds and Claire for your comments; I know that for your own reasons you each understand "where I'm coming from ". It makes me feel better about feeling bad when I read them; and I'm glad I got it out of my system.
Love to you all
Ruth (wrapped in a snuggly blanket)

Analia said...

Catharsis would be a good word to describe your post and your feelings. I’ve read carefully each line and also each comment….your catharsis worked for you and your blogger friends who have experienced similar situations…Sometimes taking our anger or sorrow off, and of course our tears, can wash away our pain and the one of those who love you so much.
Now it’s time to focus on the loving people around you and forget about those who decided to walk away.
Real friends and family are there in your moments of extreme joy, truly celebrating with you….and in the moments of need, offering their shoulders…..friends are even there when everything is just ok, they are just there no matter what.
I’ve always thought that the sense of family goes beyond our blood, family is the one that sticks together and Ruth, you have a wonderful family, forget about the rest for they are not family at all….And friends… same thing, care for those who are and will be by your side…the rest don’t deserve to be called friends, it’s a huge word for them. It’s their loss not yours.
As I was reading I felt the same pricking of tears you feel, maybe I was doing catharsis, too… I guess I needed it. In general, when I need to release stress I read one of those books I know will make me cry and then I get sore eyes but relieved soul. Today I did it with your words. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

The video is sooooo sweet! I loved it. And regarding to the tooth fairy….oh my friend you, sorry…SHE is awesome and even sweeter than the video…have I told you how much I love this fairy?

Lots of kisses for you and Mick and for your true family and friends. Smile amiguita mia!

Dirty Butter said...

There is one situation where I very much fit into the "I want to remember them the way they were" category. I have never been one to look at someone in a casket, unless the funeral parlor arrangement made it impossible not to.

But for living breathing human beings, no matter how bad it might look, or even smell, they need to know that people still treat them as people!! And you, as such a remarkable care giver, deserve their fellowship.

So, I agree, this was not a rant! To think that close relatives would desert you is just preposterous!!

They are blood kin, that's all. You didn't choose them, and they obviously didn't choose you.

They are not worth the effort of you being upset by their insensitivity. Lambast away, have at'm, and then ... enjoy your friends.