Caught A Bus to the CAB

I caught the bus into town this morning and went to the Citizens Advice Bureau (I spent all day yesterday trying to phone them to no avail); it didn't go well for me. I was shown into a small waiting room....too small for me to handle. There were other people waiting...more of the Million Stories. Some of them warned me that it could be a long wait...2 to 3 hours was the reckoning and even then some who had waited may not get seen. The CAB is a voluntary organisation and all the "workers" are volunteers so I have no complaints about this, I like so many others are grateful that the organisation exists; there are just too many people with too many problems who need help. I assumed they were right about the "wait" when I heard the receptionist turning newcomers away saying that there was no chance of being seen today. During the course of the first hour the room slower became smaller and smaller as I felt the walls moving in. I tried to join in the chatter but my anxiety started to rise. I felt my chest tighten, I started to cry, my head began to spin and I had to get out before I was sick. The receptionist came after me; I explained my position and apologised but I just couldn't sit there any longer. She was so sympathetic and so kind and said the chances were I wouldn't be seen today anyway. She explained that appointments were difficult to come by but has managed to squeeze me in on the 31st May and given me some forms to fill in re; probate, income, debts etc. I've never been like this before; I've had times of stress when I could so easily have panicked but have always managed to contain it and carry on regardless. This isn't like me at all. With Mick no problem ever seemed insurmountable...................................

I miss him so much.

I feel slightly more positive though knowing that on the 31st I'll be speaking to someone who knows the legalities of things. I've never been one for "running for help" but sometimes you need someone who knows "what's what".

After I'd left the CAB I took a walk through the park; somehow the communing with nature calmed me down. I've finally had the Carer's Allowance owed to me paid into the bank (still no paperwork though); that and the birthday money I have left will cover the balance of the funeral bill so that's a weight off my mind. I went to the bank to see if they could write me a cheque, as my new cheque book hasn't come through yet, but they said it will cost £10! for them to write it. My "business" head thought "But that's a sixth of my allowable income" my "carnivore" head thought "I can get 3lb of rump steak for that at the butchers".............I decided to wait a few more days and see if the cheque book turns up.

I had intended to go to the Job Centre as well but couldn't face it.....I wanted to get home....I needed to get home...................the panicky feeling was starting again.......................and I feel SAFE at home. As I put the key in the door I suddenly felt calm again....maybe there's something opiate in the scent of the Whiskey Mac by the door...........................

more likely I think it's just that home is where I feel closest to Mick.

Well my PC has done me the honour of allowing me to write this whole post without switching itself off so I think I'll hit the Publish button........also ...........you know the £10 I didn't give to the bank.......well my "carnivore" head dragged me to the butchers on my way home and so there's a lettuce to be picked, new potatoes to steam and a steak waiting to be seared................