Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Caught A Bus to the CAB

I caught the bus into town this morning and went to the Citizens Advice Bureau (I spent all day yesterday trying to phone them to no avail); it didn't go well for me. I was shown into a small waiting room....too small for me to handle. There were other people waiting...more of the Million Stories. Some of them warned me that it could be a long wait...2 to 3 hours was the reckoning and even then some who had waited may not get seen. The CAB is a voluntary organisation and all the "workers" are volunteers so I have no complaints about this, I like so many others are grateful that the organisation exists; there are just too many people with too many problems who need help. I assumed they were right about the "wait" when I heard the receptionist turning newcomers away saying that there was no chance of being seen today. During the course of the first hour the room slower became smaller and smaller as I felt the walls moving in. I tried to join in the chatter but my anxiety started to rise. I felt my chest tighten, I started to cry, my head began to spin and I had to get out before I was sick. The receptionist came after me; I explained my position and apologised but I just couldn't sit there any longer. She was so sympathetic and so kind and said the chances were I wouldn't be seen today anyway. She explained that appointments were difficult to come by but has managed to squeeze me in on the 31st May and given me some forms to fill in re; probate, income, debts etc. I've never been like this before; I've had times of stress when I could so easily have panicked but have always managed to contain it and carry on regardless. This isn't like me at all. With Mick no problem ever seemed insurmountable...................................
I miss him so much.

I feel slightly more positive though knowing that on the 31st I'll be speaking to someone who knows the legalities of things. I've never been one for "running for help" but sometimes you need someone who knows "what's what".

After I'd left the CAB I took a walk through the park; somehow the communing with nature calmed me down. I've finally had the Carer's Allowance owed to me paid into the bank (still no paperwork though); that and the birthday money I have left will cover the balance of the funeral bill so that's a weight off my mind. I went to the bank to see if they could write me a cheque, as my new cheque book hasn't come through yet, but they said it will cost £10! for them to write it. My "business" head thought "But that's a sixth of my allowable income" my "carnivore" head thought "I can get 3lb of rump steak for that at the butchers".............I decided to wait a few more days and see if the cheque book turns up.

I had intended to go to the Job Centre as well but couldn't face it.....I wanted to get home....I needed to get home...................the panicky feeling was starting again.......................and I feel SAFE at home. As I put the key in the door I suddenly felt calm again....maybe there's something opiate in the scent of the Whiskey Mac by the door...........................

more likely I think it's just that home is where I feel closest to Mick.

Well my PC has done me the honour of allowing me to write this whole post without switching itself off so I think I'll hit the Publish button........also ...........you know the £10 I didn't give to the bank.......well my "carnivore" head dragged me to the butchers on my way home and so there's a lettuce to be picked, new potatoes to steam and a steak waiting to be seared................

12 visitors have commented:

Akelamalu said...

Oh Ruth I just want to cry reading your post. :(

You did so much today, even if you feel it was all 'too much'. I'm so glad you got the appointment with the CAB, I'm sure they will be able to help you. Banks - BAH!!!!!

You enjoy your steak honey, you deserve it.

I am sending Reiki, you don't have to do anything but accept it, if you feel able. x

RUTH said...

thanks akelamula...Reiki gratefuly received....but please don't cry reading my posts, my intention in writing it as I feel it is purely to help me not to upset others...so come on...give me a big grin...let me see those pearly whites....LOL....:-)Rx

Shaz said...

Ruth my heart tightened whilst reading your post. Is there a family member or friend who could write that cheque for you (one thing more crossed off that list of worries).

You'll get there hun, just hang in there as w are all rooting for you x x x x Big sloppy Dane kisses x x x

Akelamalu said...

Hope the Reiki works for you. x

Icarus said...

I can visualise you at the CAB and see/feel all too clearly what happened and why.

Steady, Girl...it's time to learn how to breathe - deep, calm, measured - from the diaphragm.
Banish it, but learn how to fight it.
I take it you aren't going to pay the 10 quid, are you?

There's upsetting & upsetting. When you report frontally exactly how it is, we are all here to try to hold & support you bear it, because we feel for you and want to give you our solidarity & some comfort. I learned way back in the beginning, last Autumn, that if the truth hurt too much, then this was no place to be. It doesn't can't hurt me more than the extent that it can hurt you.
If anyone feels that upset by the million stories that make up someone's realities, then they will not return here.
So do not worry about that.

Now to the mail....

The biggest kisses,


Audrey said...

You achieved so much today Ruth, I dont know if it helps to know the experience you spoke about today is not uncommon...and that was a very different,very stressful situation you were in..a small room full of strangers can be anxiety provoking at the best of times...Im glad the walk in the park helped and that you did that before returning home. Good choice too the steak rather than pay that £10 to the bank...Enjoy !!! You truly deserve itxxxxxxxxxxx Auds

Allotment Lady said...

Glad you got an appointment - I know first hand how long you have to wait.

Glad you got home safely - I always feel the same - our homes are our sanctuary - safe from 'the world' and so too our gardens.

Steak for dinner with home grown salad - a perfect ending to a stressful day.

Well done for all you achieved - you are doing great.

julia said...

I just said goodbye to my dad March 24th and have an idea of how you are coping. I too have written about my feelings and readers have said they felt the tears well up. If your words can create emotion in someone, that is actually a gift, for both you and them. As Icarus says, if they can't bear to share these things with you, that's for them to decide. It's a very strong step to share all of this with us. Thank you.

Sheila said...

What a day you had dear Ruth. I admire your courage in relating it to us, and I hope it helps to put it down on paper.
Good that you were able to get an appointment, and I hope the check book comes soon. Each one thing less to worry you.
It seems the walk in the park, and the yummy dinner wound up your day on a calmer, more comforting note. Who knows, perhaps that rose fragrance did help too, that's what aromatherapy is all about..

Mauigirl said...

Ruth, so sorry you had such a distressing experience but I'm glad you have an appointment for the 31st. Hope you enjoyed that steak!

Auntie Noo said...


You feel Mick so strongly at home and in your garden, ....... in time you will feel him everywhere. You carry him in your heart. At the moment your panic and "earthly emotions" take over. As Icarus says, breathe ddep and slow and feel him put his arms round you........ But you made an hour, and that is extraordinary given you had trouble leaving the house only a couple of weeks ago... It will all come, in time.... be gentle with yourself Ruth. And I hope the steak was good!!!!!

CG said...

What a day you had Ruth! I hope the CAB come up trumps. Do you have a local library? I ask because we have a very helpful set of notes that the CAB use and I think most libraries get them.Might help in the interim. HUGS xxx