Thursday, May 17, 2007

HOW CAN "WE" BECOME "I"?

I do it all the time, especially when commenting on someone's blog........we went to Cornwall (that's OK..past times)............we've got a Montana in our garden (passable...after all it was planted when Mick was here)........we need to get some more compost before we can plant up the troughs (this is the "oh dear" one....future tense). The problem is I'm not an I....I'm a WE...Mick and I have always been WE....since the day we became one there was never an I for either of us.

I'm finding it so hard.

I've tried reading some articles about "how to deal with the loss of your spouse"....one tip is..

Do something creative--writing, journaling, gardening, painting, woodworking, building, photography--to express the intense feelings.

no problems there....I think blogging covers the writing/journaling part.....and gardening and photography are second nature to me now. The trouble is ..the gardening...the greatest fun... has always been WE.......Mick would be the compost mixer, the builder, the veg man and so much more; I the planter, the flower seed sower, the dead header.....each of us had our separate tasks yet we were part of a team.....there's no "I" in "TEAM". It's not the same "fun" without him.

Then there's the paradox.......Mick's Rhododendron, Mick's Pergola, Mick's Tomatoes (weird but the lettuces were always mine, the tomatoes always Mick's). Now it will be me feeding the Rhody, me maintaining the pergola, me growing the tomatoes......but they will always be Mick's.

I feel so OLD too; pre 6th April when I woke in the morning (usually 5.30am...I've always been an early riser) I would spring out of bed, instantly awake.........now, though I still wake early, I crawl out of bed, bleary-eyed and tired. How did "spring" turn to "crawl"? Pre 6th April I could lift any weight, walk for miles......now those compost bags I threw over my shoulder feel so heavy, those legs that would carry me miles feel like jelly.

Everything around me is filled with memories....HAPPY memories.....what mathematical equation suddenly made HAPPY MEMORIES=SAD TEARS.......?????

And where did those "senior moments" come from........those "forgetful moments"........even over the last two years I never forgot anything...I was always on the ball..........this week I even forgot to put the dustbin out for collection!!! Dear, dear......................

On a lighter note; Chris brought round some Rhubarb today that one of his neighbours had given him...................I made Rhubarb Crumble for Manda & I for lunch.........naturally making an extra one for Manda to take home. Chris is making one of his infamous Chillis ready for tomorrow night. I'm going round to Manda's tomorrow evening and joining them for dinner. I can't remember the last time we (see I've done it again).....I went out to dinner. I hope the weather's fine; I may drag Manda & Nicole up to the woodland area after we've eaten.....I've been wanting to take some photos from up there.


Oh I've suddenly remembered (well done Ruth, there's hope for you yet!) something that will go well with this post.....Jeanette of Jen & Cazz's Chronicles posted it ages ago; I'm sure she won't mind me borrowing it.


My Rememberer Is Broke


My forgetter's getting better but my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering if I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room, say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain, a zero is my score.
At times I put something away where it is safe, but, see!
The person it is safest from is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone, say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better while my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy and that isn't any joke.

Right time for me to go and eat...sadly for my waistline I'm not one of those people who starves themselves when they are depressed........

11 visitors have commented:

A wildlife gardener said...

Dear Ruth,

You are allowed moments of sadness and all the time you need to come to terms with your very great loss, because you dedicated yourself to Mick. Be kind to yourself now, because you deserve it.

I want you to know that you are an inspiration to many, many blogging friends, and I am one of them.This little verse is especially for you, dear Friend.

You Are an Inspiration:

Don't Ever Forget

Your presence is a gift to the world,
You're unique and one of a kind.

Your life can be what you want it to be -
Take it one day at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles,
And you'll make it through what comes along.

Within you are so many answers,
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself,
Your dreams are waiting to be realized.

Don't leave your important decisions to chance -
Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying -
The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets.

Don't take things too seriously -
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way -
Remember that a lot goes forever.

Remember that friendship is a wise investment,
Life's treasures are people ... together.

Have health and hope and happiness,
Take the time to wish on a star.

And don't ever forget for even a day...
How very special YOU are!

Your daily posts ooze with love, and love conquers all. You know that, for you live your life giving love to others. I feel your pain, and wish I could put my arms around you and hug you tight.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

CG said...

Ruth, can't find words to answer you but am sending you a loving hug xxx

AnalĂ­a said...

Querida amiga mia, for a long time you have been a wooden stake (like the ones that keep your plants straight and firm)to Mick, to your family and to many of us. I have never met someone so willing to BE there for us and so kind hearted. I know this is a difficult time, and becoming "I" may be everything but easy. What you are going through now, even when it's painful, is part of the process and one day your legs will stop shaking and your I/me will come earier to your words.
You've been under so much pressure for some weeks, months actually, and sooner or later what you feel now was going to happen. You are not old or forgetfull!! As soon as you start feeling better, little by little you will bright again, remember more and change tears for smiles. Give time to time and never give up being the wonderful woman you are.
One more thing, allow yourself to say WE sometimes...remember the The Little Prince? What is essential is invisible to the eye...but it is still there.
I loved the words from a wildlife gardener, read them again and every time you need them and wear sunscreen.
Love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssss much and more :)

Icarus said...

Yes, you had more to unload, indeed.
Do you remember that time back in Janury when I had that Supertramp song on T & a W, when the going was getting tough and I could just about only "speak" through songs. Just now, as I finished reading you then the others above, I suddenly heard in my head:
"And when the crowds disapear,
And only the silence is near,
Watch yourself, easy does it, easy does it,
Easy while you wait".

The morning feelings, old & tired, are easy to explain.
Ruth, I can remember us "talking" about this. You talked about being sustained by the "here & now" and all the routine tasks that needed to be carried out, which you carried out with 500% will, strength & resilience because you were so totally loving & devoted.
That love & devotion carried along, and moreover WAS your purpose. And then one day, you get hit hard by a train moving faster than light.
You feel that way because you were so locked into the struggle that the exhaustion from it, that you couldn't feel, could only come over you after the train moved on.
It is, unfortunately, entirely natural to hurt like this now. You gave everything & gladly. Now you have to adjust to this monumental new world.
I realise that in fact, I'm echoing what Analia has written. It can't just go away, because as I wrote you before, it is the price for what you - that "we" - had.
For the rest, a Wildlife Gardener has told you priceless wise words.
Analia's advice is right.
Catch this bubble:
((((((((((((R))))))))))))))
SXXX

Allotment Lady said...

I can only agree with all the other comments on here.

The 'forgetter' poem is a good one isn't it.

It saddened me to read that you received such a heartless comment - I hope you never get one like that again

Shaz said...

Ruth in my opinion you don't need to change "We" to "I". Just be "we" & we'll know Mick is with you. x x x

Sheila said...

Dear Ruth,
everyone of your friends here has given you sound advice. There is nothing I can add to it, other than to say you are wrapped in our collective (all be it virtual) love, and you need to allow yourself to grieve.
You have been super human for the last few years, now it's time to allow yourself to be human again..
Lots of love
xoxoxo

Akelamalu said...

Ruth who said you have to change we to I?

lynn said...

I agree with everybody elses comments mum - why change from we to I - you will always be you and dad in my eyes...
Sending huge hugs
xxx

Mauigirl said...

Ruth, it must be so hard. I agree with the others, don't try to edit your "we" to "I" - some day it may just happen of its own accord and you'll realize it happens when you're ready for it. I'm sure Mick's spirit is indeed still with you so "we" is not incorrect anyway!

As for the forgetfulness and other things, those too are normal. If you haven't read it already, you may want to read "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion, who wrote it during the year after her husband died suddenly. I'm sure you've heard of it, they made it into a Broadway play. I found the book very insightful into how her mind was responding to the immense changes in her life after her husband died. It is not a cheerful book, but if you read it you will know that all the ups and downs and changes you are experiencing are normal, and that may make you feel you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

Petunia's Gardener said...

Ruth,
The "do" I'd pass along is to do give yourself time and time and time! and there are no 'shoulds' in this time. Your body from head to toe is healing and it uses energy (& tears) to do this (and extra at that for having those darn agencies to deal with). Just be you - sometimes an I, sometimes a we - but just be. And remember there is probably one of us checking in on you from somewhere in the world at every hour of the day! So feel the love!