Wednesday, May 09, 2007


I do fact I'll go further than that..........I wail. I don't think depressing thoughts all the time; it wasn't OUR way. Even at the gloomiest of times we would always find something to bring a smile to our faces. Someone at Mick's funeral said "the nights when you go to bed will be worse"...not so for me...I go to bed and go to sleep no restless nights for me. It is during the day that I have my moments.....usually something happens that just triggers it off........a Lionel Richie song on the radio; a sudden memory; potting a particular plant; sometimes just a single word will start me off. That's the good thing about having time on my own....I can let go..... When other people are around it's "stiff upper lip" time...not because they wouldn't be's because only one person could ever stop me crying...just a word or a hug from him and my troubles would disappear. When I cry on my own I hear those words in my head; I feel that hug in my heart and I get through it. When I'm on my own in the house I take Mick (ashes) with me; if I'm in the living room watching TV or on the computer he sits on the table; if I'm in the garden he sits in the garden; when I go to bed he sits on the bedside cabinet; when I'm cooking he sits in the kitchen. I know I won't be doing this for ever but for now it's a comfort to me to have something to touch, something to see. Of course I wouldn't do it with other people in the house, some may find it upsetting...I understand that....but it works for me. I guess feeling the way I do with all this deep heartrending grief is why; the idiots at some of the companies I contact don't upset me; silly anonymous comments don't upset me; complaining emails from people upset by my posts or comments don't upset me...these things don't seem to hurt me anymore....I'm hurting enough already to last me my lifetime.

On Sunday Leanne's friend,Kim, is doing the Race For Life in Colchester. Last year she raced for Mick and this year she is doing the same in his memory. As long as the trains run well I'm going to Colchester to support her...........this is a copy of her personal message on her Donation Page (click on the photo above of her message last year if you'd like to visit it)

Thank you for visiting my Race for Life fundraising page. Please dig deep and sponsor me online.Events like Race for Life are an important way in which Cancer Research UK is able to fund its life-saving work into preventing, diagnosing and treating cancer. By sponsoring me now you could help more people survive cancer.Donating through this site is simple, fast and totally secure. It is also the most efficient way to sponsor me - Cancer Research UK will receive your money faster and, if you are a UK taxpayer, an extra 28% in tax will be added to your gift at no cost to you.
This year is a very poignant year, I raced last year for my Uncle who sadly died of cancer and also for Mick who is the Step-dad of my best mate Leanne, very sadly Mick passed away this month so I would like to race this year for him. He put up a strong and dignified fight and was cared for by his very brave and strong wife Ruth to whom I will also race as she was Micks angel and there are many like her who really don't get the recognition they deserve.So please sponsor me now!Many thanks for your support.

Would you believe I've only ever met her once! What a kind, caring person she is and what a true friend she has been to Leanne. I really hope I do make it on Sunday; I could go over on Saturday and stay the night with Leanne but I'm just not ready to be away from home for a night yet.

It will also be Kirsty's 13th Birthday on Saturday; she is staying with her Dad on Saturday but on Sunday I would get to see her; that's another special reason to go.

I've had a lovely day in the garden today....catching up on the time I lost Tuesday because of the rain. Mick's special Rhododendron is really starting to bloom...he would be pleased that I've managed to master his Rhody TLC.............yes.......... more tears.

“There is a sacredness in tears.

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
~Washington Irving~

8 visitors have commented:

Sheila said...

Tears help to heal. There is no shame in crying. The fact that Mick still accompanies you around the house is good too. You must do what you need to do to adjust, whether it takes a month or a year or longer.
You will know when the time has come to move forward..

Icarus said...

I am going to say one very simple thing to you (now I know that my comment can't upset you - LOL!):
That was just the bravest, most frontal, honest, totally plausible piece on how you are feeling, how you are facing it, how it is hurting.
It is loss, it is grief, it is the enormous upheaval of irrevocable change. Like I have said to you already, the book on how to do it hasyet to be written and never will be. Nobody else can tell you what to do, or how. It is yours; your greatest responsibility is to you. Me, I just think you are doing it right, facing it the very best you can. May Mick smile down on you, take care of you and give you any comfort possible.
Enough said. Força & more força to you, with affection,

CG said...

I can't begin to imagine your pain, ruth. I hope in time the tears will lessen and the pain is just a little easier to bear. xxx

Blue the Spa Girl said...

Do what YOU have to do.
Forget the people who critique. They need to focus on their own lives.
Crying is the best. Cry Ruth. Cry or you may become ill holding it in.
I will cry with you.

Mauigirl said...

I agree, it is good to let the tears out. The only thing that will help you heal is time...and time will move slowly. Just know there are many of us here thinking of you and supporting you in what you need to do.

lynn and steve said...

Hi mummy
Nobody will ever know what you are feeling at the moment and only you will know what makes you feel a little better and only you will know when you want a hug or to cry. We are all here for you and hope that we are able to help you anyway we can. You are so precious to us mummy. So when you are feeling low just remember our arms are around you constantly too. Forever Lynn and Steve

Allotment Lady said...

I agree with wholeheartedly with Sheila - tears heal the soul. It so so good that you can talk about how you are feeling and it is all part of the grieving and healing process, and I hope that knowing there are so many people 'out there' who feel your pain and share you feeling, will bring you comfort.

Have a good weekend, and I hope to get to see the race. I have sponsored a friend of mine and her daughter running in the race for life too - it in a nice way to 'do' something on a personal level.

I also sponsor the illumination of the lights on the village church a couple of nights a year in memory of my dear friend - it was a promise I made to her as she was dying.

So every Christmas - in her memory the church is lit up at night, and I take a walk up to see it, whatever the weather, and I feel very close to my friend - knowing that in a little village in England - the church is lit up for everyone to see - in her memory.

It brings tears - but comfort too.

Sylvia said...

Cry, yell, scream, get mad, whatever it takes. You have been through a lot and continue with all the madness with the credit card company and agencies. Makes we wonder how they all stay in business with such inconsiderate people and polices. We must come up with a way to get even with them. lol